


Avengers at Disney World

by cutielemon07



Series: Avengers At Disney World-Verse [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel 616, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Actor Paradox, Animal Kingdom, Avengers Misbehaving, Blizzard Beach, Cable and Deadpool cameo, Clintasha - Freeform, Comedy, Coulson Lives, Crack I guess, Daddy Coulson, Deaf Clint Barton, Disabled Original Character, Disney Characters - Freeform, Disney Paradox, Disney Rides, Disney World, Downtown Disney, Epcot, F/M, Hollywood Studios, Humor, Kid Avengers, Kind of AU, M/M, Magic Kingdom, Obligatory Stan Lee, Original Female Character - Freeform, Original Male Character - Freeform, Paradox, Phil Coulson Has the Patience of a Saint, Poor Maria Hill, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Typhoon Lagoon, andother cameos, cameos for everyone!, i dunno, implied stucky - Freeform, it's just funny, multiple Deadpool and Cable cameos, okay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-18
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-03-31 05:10:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 69,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3965614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cutielemon07/pseuds/cutielemon07
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nick Fury has finally had enough of the main Avengers arguing, in fighting and generally not behaving like a team, so he's sending them on a bonding trip to Disney World with Maria Hill as their babysitter. Meanwhile, Phil Coulson is an over worked single father who rarely gets to spend time with his kids, so he decided to take them to Disney World. The problem? The Coulsons are going to be there at the same time as the Avengers-the same Avengers who don't know that their old buddy Phil Coulson was revived and is totally and 100% not dead... Any more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

"So what now?" Tony Stark asked. He flipped the face plate up on his Iron Man armor and looked around, feeling grateful that he and the Avengers had managed to subdue Loki with minimum damage to New York City.

"We separate. Again." Steve Rogers put his shield back on his back.

"Yeah, I've got SHIELD stuff. Phil would probably kill me if I..." Clint Barton stopped his sentence abruptly. There was one thing he wasn't supposed to discuss with the rest of the Avengers-outside Natasha Romanoff-it was the survival of Agent Phil Coulson. "You know?" He said after a pause.

"Phil?" Tony asked. "As in Coulson?"

"No!" Clint laughed. "Phil as in..."

"Smith." Natasha said quickly. "Phil Smith. He's our new handler." Clint and Natasha exchanged quick glances. They knew that recently Phil Coulson had taken on the responsibility of fatherhood. Two kids. Max and Dana. At first, Clint had been skeptical and almost certain that Phil wanted to bring the kids into SHIELD to be agents somehow. It was only when he caught Phil reading _Goodnight Moon_ to the younger child-Dana-that Clint realized that Phil actually _wanted_ to be a father and not only that, but he _enjoyed_ it.

"I didn't know you got a new handler." Steve put his hands on his hips. "When did that happen?"

"A few days after the Battle of New York." Clint said. Again, they both knew the general circumstances surrounding Phil's survival-or rather his reanimation-and that Nick Fury 'moved Heaven and Earth' to bring him back. Clint sighed and Tony shot him a sympathetic glance.

"That soon, huh?"

"How else did they expect us to get shit done, Tony?"

"Hang on, who are we talking about here?" A new Avenger asked as he landed on the ground carefully. Falcon-AKA Sam Wilson. His mechanical wings retracted into his backpack.

"You wouldn't know him, Wilson." Tony waved him off.

"SHIELD agent. Our old handler." Clint said.

"Like SHIELD-SHIELD or Hydra-SHIELD?" Sam asked skeptically.

"SHIELD-SHIELD." Clint and Natasha said in unison.

"He i-was one of the good guys." Natasha almost caught herself speaking of Phil in the present tense.

"Best guy I've ever known." Clint sighed.

"He was a bit obsessive about me-in fact he was _very_ obsessive about me. One time told me about his vintage card collection, you know, of me and then he told me that he watched me sleep when I was practically in a coma. It was borderline... "

"Like _Misery_?" Tony joked.

"What? No. Is this another reference I don't get?" Tony nodded. "No, it was just creepy."

"The Son of Coul was indeed a most gracious ally." Thor added.

"What do you guys remember most about him?" Sam asked, keen to know more about the man they were talking about. Everyone paused for a moment to remember Phil. Except Natasha and Clint who knew full well he was alive and had talked to him many times in the just over 4 years since the Battle of New York. Clint spoke up first.

"He was like a father to me. Despite being only something like 15 years older."

"Me too." Natasha said. "In many ways, Clint and I _were_ his children."

"He idolized me. He was my biggest fan." Steve sighed and hung his head. "And I never _did_ sign those Captain America cards for him."

"I remember how he locked me inside a room and tied me up to ask questions." Thor frowned. "But then he became a much doted upon ally before my brother wickedly speared him through the heart." Thor sighed. "But what can I say." He added. "He's adopted."

"Well, I remember how Phil threatened to tase me and watch _Supernanny_." Tony smiled. "In fact, I think that's the only thing I knew about him, that he liked _Supernanny_. Heh." The smile on Tony's face widened. It got Clint thinking if only Tony knew half the shit that Phil watched-and still _does_ watch. _Supernanny_ trumps Kardashians _any_ day of the week. "I really should have made more of an effort to get to know him. Even from Pepper." Tony's beaming smile quickly turned into a small, solemn one.

"He liked the Kardashians too." Natasha offered. Everyone started laughing as they walked away from the battle site together.

* * *

The next day, Nick Fury called the Avengers into his office.

"What's this about, Fury?" Tony asked arrogantly.

"It's about you. The Avengers." Fury said irritatedly. "You're _still_ not working well as a team." He growled. "Barnes, I don't remember seeing you at the battle yesterday." He said coldly, his eye focusing on Bucky, who was squirming in his seat. "Well, Barton and Romanoff work really well together, but I'd expect nothing less off SHIELD's finest assets." His eye quickly darted towards Steve. "As do Cap and Wilson." He exhaled sharply. "And as much as I hate to say it, Stark and Banner work alright together, too. But that's just it, isn't it? You're not _supposed_ to be duos..." Fury slammed the palms of his hands down on the table so quickly that it startled everyone sitting at it. "You're supposed to be a TEAM!" Everyone looked down sheepishly. "What's wrong with asking that the Avengers-a _team_ of superheroes-work _as_ a team?"

"Nothing, Fury, I..."

"Shut it, Stark." Fury snapped. Tony slunk back into his seat. "You _not_ working as a team... You're disrespecting the memory of Agent Phil Coulson." Everyone's eyes widened in horror at the thought of that. Even Clint and Natasha pulled it off convincingly. Mostly because they actually _were_ shocked at the thought of disrespecting their good friend and handler.

"With all due respect, Sir, I..."

"Shut up, Cap." Fury glared at Steve with his one eye.

"No offense, Sir, but I outrank you."

"In the military, maybe. But this is _SHIELD_ , goddamn it!" Steve bit his lip and sat back down. "Now, I believe we've had this little discussion before. Coulson believed in you guys and that you could work together. I'm not seeing any evidence of that. Answer me honestly now; are you?" Nobody dared answer. "I take your stony silence to mean " _no_ " then. You are _not_ seeing evidence of teamwork." Fury grunted out of annoyance. "Maybe it's because I let you split up after missions. You need to get to know _and_ like each other." He pulled out an envelope from his trench coat. "So congratulations. Here's your new assignment." He said, flinging it on the table. Sam reached over and grabbed the envelope. As he opened it, everyone peered at him.

"Fury, what's the meaning of this?" Sam asked. "It's 8 tickets to Disney World. And over a grand in... Disney Dollars."

"Correction, Wilson. It's 8-one for each of you-7 _day_ tickets to Disney World. Wasn't sure if you wanted the Park Hopper option, so that's included too."

"This isn't a mission, you're _really_ sending us on vacation?" Clint asked, panic slowly filling his voice.

"Yeah, I'm sending you on vacation. And you're going _together_ and most of all, you're gonna like it." Even though the Avengers were told that they'd be going to Disney World, groans still filled the room.

"Why are we off to another realm-I am still learning to understand Midgard." Thor whined loudly. But not quite loud enough for the others not to be understood.

"I could've paid for this if I wanted to." Tony complained.

"Disney World? I'm not a child!" Natasha narrowed her eyes and folded her arms.

"Vacation? Why vacation? Not fair." Clint grumbled.

"How will it look, 8 adults going to Disney World? It looks bad." Sam moaned.

"What if the Other Guy comes out and I break something?" Bruce asked through legitimate concern. "That Small World song would be just enough to set him off. Everything could."

"Why can't we just 'bond' here? Why do we have to go wherever Disney World is?" Bucky groaned. "This isn't fair!"

"What's Disney World? Is it _exactly_ what I think it is? Like the Walt Disney studios or something?" Steve asked. "Why do we have to go? Why with Tony?"

"SHUT UP!" Fury bellowed out. Everyone stopped talking, even if they were mid word. "I will _not_ have petty squabbling in my motherfucking office!" Steve blushed. "Nor will I have 8 immature motherfucking superheroes talking over each other and giving me a motherfucking headache!" Fury said, glaring at everyone. "You _will_ go on this vacation. You _will_ bond. And you _will_ like it." Fury said, each statement getting more stern than the last. "Are we understood here?" Everyone nodded, mostly out of fear. "Your flight leaves in three hours. Go and pack. And before you say anything, Stark, I didn't trust you and your private jet. That's why you're taking a commercial airliner."

"First class?" Tony asked nervously.

Fury raised an eyebrow. "No." He said angrily. Tony looked almost fearful. He was the great Tony Stark! He flew everywhere by his private jet. Or his Iron Man suit. He flew commercial a few times, but never in... Coach. "Everyone okay with that?" Everyone nodded, again out of fear. "Good. Now get the hell out of my office." The Avengers each scrambled out of Nick Fury's office because they didn't want to face his wrath. He was quite terrifying when he was angry.

* * *

Phil Coulson was in the kitchenette of his apartment making pancakes for himself and his children. He smiled to himself knowing how lucky he was. Yes, he was still suffering the effects of being stabbed and killed by Loki-in the form of flashbacks and nightmares-but he had kids. Kids he needed to look out for. Kids that were sitting on the floor playing _Lego_ while _PBS Kids_ blared from the TV. Phil had tried to turn the TV off before he started on the pancakes, but loud protests from both kids meant that _Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood_ was now gracing his TV screen. Not that he minded. His youngest, Dana, was 4 and his oldest, Max, was still only 6.

Phil looked over at his kids, having fun together and then down at the pancakes. Today was the day he was taking a well earned vacation. Today was the day he was taking his kids with him. Today was the day he told his kids that they're going to Disney World. And he was going to do it using pancakes shaped like Mickey Mouse. He took another look at his kids and his heart filled with joy, seeing his daughter and son playing together, his daughter helping her brother as they stacked the _Lego_ bricks higher.

Phil sighed as he started humming the theme to _Mister Rogers' Neighborhood_ to himself and began to set the table for breakfast. Forks-especially his daughter's Disney Princess fork. She wouldn't eat a meal without it. He filled cups with milk and set them out on the table, remembering that Dana would only drink pink milk from her Frozen cup. He knew he had to break his daughter off her obsession with Disney Princesses and for the next two weeks, he would be playing directly into it. Maple syrup and squirty cream went on the table-at the middle-along with the fresh fruit, because canned wasn't good enough for the Coulson children.

Finally, Phil took out the plates for his meticulously sculpted pancakes. He carefully took out of the pan and set them down on the small designated plates, his daughter's being on a Disney Princess plate and his son's being on a Captain America plate. His own was on a slightly larger Captain America plate. Phil didn't feel bad for passing on his obsession with Captain America down to his son, nor did he see a problem with it. He only saw a problem with obsessions over things _not_ named 'Captain America'.

"Alright kids, come and get it!" Phil called. He watched as his daughter jumped and skipped about her brother as he rose unsteadily onto his feet. While Dana pranced gracefully to the table, Max wobbled uncertainly and Phil walked over to him.

"Need some help, buddy?" He asked. Max nodded and Phil offered his son his hand. Max took it. They walked carefully to the table together and sat down.

"What's this, Daddy?" Dana asked.

"Pancakes." Phil smiled innocently.

"Why are they shaped like Mickey Mouse?" Max asked, more pressingly.

"Because today, I'm taking you to Disney World." He looked at his kids' shocked expressions. He wasn't quite sure they believed him. "What?" He asked, shoving a piece of pancake in his mouth. "I am." Phil's phone started to ring and he fumbled about in his pocket before he found it. "Hang on kids. Go watch _Daniel Tiger._ " He smiled. "Coulson." He said instinctively as he raised the phone to his ear.

" _Phil, it's Maria._ " The voice on the other end of the phone said.

"Maria, what's wrong?" He asked worriedly, standing up from the table.

" _I know you're planning to take your kids to Disney World today._ " Phil nodded even though he knew Maria couldn't see him. " _It's just that..._ " She paused.

"Go on."

" _You heard what happened yesterday, with Loki?_ " She said gently. As he groaned, Maria sighed, knowing that Loki was a touchy subject for Phil. " _Phil?_ " She prompted after not hearing anything for a while. " _Still there, buddy?_ "

"Yeah. I heard. I heard there was some trouble in New York. No casualties and minimal damage." He said.

" _That's right. Well the Avengers aren't getting on, so Fury..._ "

"What are you getting at, Maria?" Phil asked, sounding nervous.

" _Watch your back when you're at Disney World. Fury's sent them there for the next two weeks on a 'bonding mission'- **eight** of them._ " There was a loud crash as Phil dropped the phone. He looked horrified.

" _Phil? Phil are you there? Are you alright? Are you **there**_?" Maria asked through the phone.

"Daddy? What's the matter?" Dana asked looking up, her eyes full of concern for her father. Phil snapped back into consciousness upon hearing his daughter's voice.

"Yeah, I'm fine honey, go back to _Daniel Tiger_." Phil said, picking up his dropped phone. Dana turned back to play with her brother.

" _What was that?_ " Maria asked on the other line.

" _Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood_. My daughter loves it. My son, too. I remember _Mister Rogers_ though. I grew up watching the guy-loved him almost as much as a certain _other_ Mr. Rogers, I did when..."

" _Phil, you're rambling._ " Maria said coldly.

"Sorry." Phil said sheepishly.

" _Are you okay with the Avengers being in Disney World? Do you want to cancel?_ " Maria asked, concerned.

"Nah, I'll do it." Phil smiled. "After all..." He added. "What's the worst that can happen?"

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own the Avengers, only Coulson's adopted kids.  
> I know I have other Avengers stories on the go, but I couldn't resist posting this one up too. This one's light-hearted and fun as opposed to my other ones. Or at least it's supposed to be. I mean, Coulson's a single dad to two adopted kids in this one and the Avengers still just don't get along. Or know that Coulson's alive. And yet, they're going to be at Disney World at the exact same time. Fortunately for Coulson, Maria Hill is babysitting the Avengers and knows he's alive. With Clint, Natasha and Maria's help, he can avoid being caught by Captain America and his group of extraordinary misfits right? Yep. That's what Coulson thought too.  
> ...  
> Cue the madness.


	2. On My Way

Tony seethed as he dragged a suitcase along the tarmac of the airport. He didn't want to go to Disney World. Oh, how he didn't want to go to Disney World. Unfortunately, Fury had pretty much ordered him to go, so he was stuck going.

Tony assumed he was the last one to arrive and when he boarded the plane, he found out he was. He was also pleasantly surprised and secretly grateful that Fury hadn't forced him to fly coach as he was boarding a S.H.I.E.L.D private jet.

"Should've figured you'd be the last one to get here, Stark." Fury said, narrowing his eye at Tony.

"Yeah, well... Whatever." He muttered.

"You missed my little speech." Fury said.

"Which was?" Tony rolled his eyes.

"I had difficulties finding an agent to cover you on such short notice and frankly I'm surprised they even volunteered at all." Fury smiled wickedly. "You all know Maria Hill." He said as Maria walked over to him, phone in hand.

"Phil? Phil are you there? Are you alright? Are you  _there_?" Maria asked, looking slightly panicked.

"She's going to accompany you to Disney World." Fury put his hand on Maria's shoulder.

"What was that?" Maria asked her phone.

"What? Like... A babysitter?" Tony asked. Fury nodded with a devious grin plastered on his face and Tony's jaw dropped.

"Phil, you're rambling." Maria said coldly to her phone, putting one arm over her chest.

" _Exactly_  like a babysitter, Stark."

"Are you okay with the Avengers being in Disney World? Do you want to cancel?" Maria asked. Her voice was full of concern.

"Enjoy it." Fury clapped Maria on the shoulder and began to exit the plane. "Have fun in Orlando, Avengers! See you in two weeks!" He cackled as he walked down the stairs onto the airport tarmac.

"Alright if you're sure." Maria rolled her eyes as she waved Fury farewell. "See you soon, Phil." She caught sight of the Avengers looking at her both confused and accusingly. "Love you so much honey! See you in two weeks!" She made a kissing noise down the phone before hanging up and laughed internally thinking of what Coulson must have been thinking in that moment. She had to though. She couldn't have the Avengers knowing that Coulson was alive. Well, the Avengers  _not_  named Clint or Natasha.

"I didn't know you had a boyfriend, Hill." Tony smiled. "Didn't figure you for the type to settle down."

"I didn't think you were the type to settle down either, Stark." Maria said as she took her seat. Tony blushed as snickers from the rest of the Avengers filled the plane.

"Yes, well..." Tony sat down in the only available seat, next to Steve. Bruce and Sam were sitting behind. On the other side of the aisle, Clint and Natasha were sitting next to each other with Thor and Maria sitting in front of them and across from Steve and Tony. And in front of them was Bucky, who Steve  _tried_  to get to sit with him, but he wanted to sit alone. "And what kind of private jet is this?" Tony asked indignantly. "I've got a bigger jet than this. I know lots of people with bigger jets than this."

"It's a private plane, Stark." Maria sighed. "Not a private jet private jets are bigger." She said, fiddling with her phone. Tony folded his arms and began to sulk. He was determined not to have fun at Disney World. Very determined.

* * *

 

Phil washed the dishes he and his kids had eaten breakfast from. His kids were both sat on the couch, now watching  _Sesame Street_. He smiled to himself on hearing their laughter as he kept all the plates and cutlery ready for use for when they came back from Disney World.

"Kids, have you forgotten already? Let's go get dressed!" He urged with a big smile on his face. "You're going to Disney World!" Phil still wasn't sure whether either of his kids really believed this, but he figured he'd just let them see for themselves when they got to the airport. Dana jumped from the couch and began to skip and prance to her room. Max looked up at Phil and raised his arms, an indication for Phil to carry him. Phil smiled kindly down on his oldest child and lifted him up, carrying him to the room he shared with his sister.

"Daddy, I'm gonna wear this and this and this and... Oh! And this!" Dana said, pulling out various mismatching clothes and eventually a  _Frozen_  tutu.

"Whoa, easy there, Honey." Phil smiled at his youngest child's enthusiasm and gently setting his oldest child down on his bed with its Iron Man themed sheets. "How about I pick you out something nice, huh?" The little girl nodded. Phil walked over to her open drawers and picked out a white Beauty and the Beast t-shirt, a pair of flamingo pink leggings and a ruffled knee length skirt in a shade darker. "Come on, put these on." He smiled handing the small child her clothes. Dana grinned exposing her missing front teeth as she took the clothes into the bathroom. "Don't forget your underwear!" Phil called out, holding out a pair of underwear. His daughter took them, grinning that same toothless grin before running back into the bathroom. Phil remembered how he had panicked a few short weeks ago when those teeth fell out, thinking she had a gum disease because he was a bad parent. That was before her dentist assured him it was normal for some kids to loose teeth at age 4. He turned over to his son. "Since you're already wearing your jeans, what t-shirt do you want to wear today, buddy?" He asked.

"How about... My Hawkeye t-shirt?" The boy asked eagerly. Phil smirked briefly before turning it into a smile.

"Hawkeye, you got it!" Phil opened up his son's drawers and searched for his son's Hawkeye t-shirt, which he eventually found under a  _Cookie Monster_  t-shirt and a Captain America sweater. He threw the t-shirt to his son, who tried to catch it. "Reflexes are getting better, buddy." Phil said, picking the clothing item up off the floor and handing it to his son.

"But not good enough." Max hung his head and Phil bit his lip trying not to cry.

"Some people can never be happy, Max." Phil said carefully. "But you should be, because you're going to Disney World today." He knelt down so he was eye level with the little boy. "Just think." He began. "This evening, you could be meeting Mickey Mouse himself." This caused Max to give his dad a little smile. "Now, where are your leg braces?" Phil asked before looking under his son's bed-that's where they usually were. And sure enough, it's also where they were that day. "Who do you want to meet then?" Phil asked, carefully placing Max's right leg into a plastic moulded leg brace.

"I wanna see Mickey Mouse of course!" Max said, as if it should be obvious. Phil chuckled a bit.

"Can't go all the way to Disney without meeting the Mouse himself, can we?" Max beamed with delight as his father strapped his leg into the brace, before he moved onto the left leg.

"I wanna see Buzz Lightyear too!" He shouted excitedly. "And Donald and Goofy and Hiro and Baymax and..." Max was getting more excitable with each character's name.

"Whoa, slow down there, buddy!" Phil chuckled. "There'll be plenty of time for that later!" He said, smiling as he fastened the last strap on his son's leg brace.

"I know." Max said. The smile suddenly vanished from his face. Phil noticed.

"What's wrong, Max? Are you okay?" Phil gently put his hand on his son's shoulder.

"We really  _are_  going to Disney World? Right?" Max said, his chocolate colored eyes staring into Phil's blue ones.

"Of  _course_  we are." Phil smiled. "Have I  _ever_  lied to you?" Just then Max wrapped his arms around Phil, who more than happily hugged his son back.

"Daddy!" Dana called out from the bathroom. Phil pulled himself up off the floor and walked over to the bathroom to check on his daughter. When he walked in, nothing could prepare him for what he saw. Toilet water was overflowing into the bathroom and his daughter appeared to be... Foaming at the mouth?

"What's going on in here?" He asked, folding his arms. Dana, for her part, looked sheepish. Phil simply shook his head and walked over to the sink, where his daughter was standing. "Spit it out." He said firmly, realizing that she was only foaming at the mouth because she was brushing her teeth by herself-something Phil had told her  _not_  to do, countless times-and had used far too much toothpaste. She did as she was told. Phil then fumbled around under the sink for the toilet plunger and sighed as he realized his daughter had put a whole roll of toilet paper down the toilet. He shouldn't have to be doing this, not on the morning of his vacation. Maybe this vacation wouldn't go as smooth as he thought.

* * *

Meanwhile, up in the air, Steve was leaned over the table and telling war stories to Tony, who was doing his damnedest to block them out.

"And so I said to Howard, 'why isn't this standard issue?' and he replied back that I had a bit of the world's limited supply and I still do. It's still super rare, just ask T'Challa." Steve tapped the metal shield at his feet. "And then..." Tony turned to face Maria.

"Why did I have to go on a S.H.I.E.L.D mandated vacation to Disney World?" He whined, interrupting Steve's story about his beloved star-spangled shield.

"Because you aren't bonding." Maria said, disinterested in Tony's complaints. "How many times must I explain it to you?"

"It's not  _fair_!" He wailed.

"Well, you're here now." Maria stared at him coldly. "You might as well get used to the idea." Tony huffed and crossed his arms over his chest, holding them there so tightly that they just about covered all light emitted from his arc reactor.

Behind them, he could hear Natasha and Clint sharing a bowl of ice cream and laughing. Oh, how Tony was irritated at their laughter.

"I tell you what would be fun." Natasha said. She had a Stark Pad in front of her and was looking at Disney World park maps. "We get FastPass+ for Big Thunder Mountain, Splash Mountain and Space Mountain."

"I like the way you think." Clint said, taking a spoonful of ice cream and guiding it towards his mouth, looking at the upside down Stark Pad. "But what are we gonna do about the 7 Dwarfs Mine Train?" He asks, tapping on the ride. "Wait times are expected to be like 2 hours long."

"2 hours?!" Natasha almost choked on her ice cream in disbelief. "Then we get another FastPass+ for another day." She said once she'd recovered enough.

"We could use the disability pass though, right?" Clint asked.

"Nah, they stopped all that since people used it fraudulently." She shrugs. "Besides, who out of  _us_  is disabled?"

"Stark." Clint said, his mouth full of ice cream. He swallowed. "He's got a heart defect. That arc thing." He put his spoon into the ice cream and pulled it out with a small mound of ice cream sitting on it. "And arguably Bruce." He shrugged, putting the spoon in his mouth.

"That's kind of true." Natasha arched her eyebrows. "We wouldn't want the 'Other Guy' making an appearance and destroying Cinderella's Castle now, would we?"

"Cinderella would go nuts." Clint chuckled. "And so would the Disney Corporation!" Natasha and Clint both began to laugh heartily which really irked Tony. Steve had moved on to telling a story about the love of his life-Peggy Carter-which sickened Tony right to his miserable core. Behind him, Bruce and Sam were playing Go Fish.

"Got any threes?" Sam asked.

"Go fish." Bruce said, halfheartedly. Sam picked up a card from the remainder of the deck in front of them. "Got any sevens?"

"Yeah, here you go." Sam sighed, handing Bruce the 7 of Clubs. "Got any Jacks?"

"Go fish." Bruce said.

"Is it me, or is this game just mind numbingly boring?" Sam asked as he took another card.

"I don't know. Probably. It  _is_  boring." Bruce shrugged. "Any ones?"

"Yeah. Here." Sam grunted, handing Bruce the 1 of Hearts. "Are there any other games we could play?"

"I suppose we could play 52 Pickup." Bruce said, struggling to conceal the smile that was forming.

"No, Bruce, I ain't falling for that." Sam said, slamming his cards down on the tiny aircraft table.

"Oh no?" Bruce raised an eyebrow and snatched Sam's cards.

"Hey!" Sam protested, but Bruce had already thrown all the cards onto the floor.

"52 Pickup!" Bruce yelled out with a smirk. Sam narrowed his eyes at Bruce.

"I hate you, you know that?" Sam glared at Bruce, who was still smirking. "I'm  _not_  going to pick up those cards."

"You have to." Bruce cocked his head innocently. "It's 52 Pickup."

"Well, what if I just leave them there?" Sam half shrugs.

"Those were my father's cards. You can't just leave them there." Bruce snorted. "I'm getting mad." Sam relaxed his mini stand-off with Bruce. He would  _not_  want to be the reason that the Hulk freaked out on a private jet leaving only two survivors. Well, three. Tony probably had his Iron Man suit with him-or one of them. Especially since Sam thought he saw Bruce's eye turn green.

"You're a piece of work, you know that?" Sam stood up almost fearfully. Tony turned around and saw Sam on his knees in the plane aisle, picking Bruce's playing cards back up. Tony groaned and put his head in his hands. Steve was still rambling on about Peggy. How she had wonderful eyes, how soft her skin and lips were, how shiny her hair was and how hard she could give a punch. Tony was way past the point of caring. He just wanted Steve to shut up or he'd jump out the door  _without_  his Iron Man suit. Tony checked his watch and felt even more suicidal when he saw that they were only just over an hour into a 3 hour flight. Bucky was being oddly quiet, but he's a guy who wanted to be alone. And at least Maria had the usually obnoxious Thor under control. He was reading  _Us Weekly_.

* * *

Phil dragged his and his kids' suitcases out of the building and was loading them into his family car. He had one of his neighbors help out with his kids by watching them as he did this.

"Hey, Phil!" Another neighbor ran out from the apartment building to greet him. "Need a hand?" He asked.

"Nah, I can do it." Phil smiled. "I'm a big boy, Tom."

"Never said you weren't." Tom smiled back.

"There is  _something_  you can do though." Phil turned to look at Tom. "Can you go up to my apartment and get Max's wheelchair? I could use a hand loading it into the car."

"Sure thing, Phil."

"I got Eddie and Chrissie watching the kids while I'm loading my car up."

"Can't trust 'em?" Tom chuckled.

"I have a  _lot_  of important things in my apartment, Tom and two of them are my kids." Phil chuckled back.

"I'll go now." Tom reentered the apartment complex and Phil sat down on the trunk of his car, smiling. The last time he had any time off was when he adopted his children and even  _that_  was only for two weeks. He loved his kids a lot, even if biologically they weren't his. He remembered the look on Fury's face when Phil walked into his office and told him that he'd applied for an adoption. Fury looked at Phil as if Phil had just lost his mind. He wondered if it was a result of the alien drug that he'd had Phil injected with and almost called for a SHIELD medical team until Agent May ran in and explained what was happening. Fury then became really supportive of Phil and he and some other agents-including Sitwell before he was revealed to be Hydra and killed by Winter Soldier-gave Phil good character references.

After a year and a bit, he was approved to adopt. He chose 18 month old Dana, but found out she had an older brother who had cerebral palsy. As soon as he met Max, he knew he wanted them _both_  and after a row with Fury about being an Agent in his 50s and taking on the responsibility of a disabled child, Phil set about making his home kid-proof. As soon as they came home it seemed Phil went back to work, but he couldn't imagine life without them-his kids. And now he was here and couldn't get over how time had just snuck up on him.

"Phil!" Phil's head snapped up so quickly, it's a mystery why he didn't get whiplash. He saw it was Tom.

"Yeah, Tom?" Phil said, pushing himself up out of the trunk of his car. His  _family_  car.

"I got Max's chair, but Eddie and Chrissie gotta go to work."

"Alright, could you just put the chair in carefully and I'll be right back." Phil ran into the apartment complex, thanking himself for buying that practical station wagon over the fancy looking sedan and called for the elevator.

When Phil opened the door to his apartment, he saw Eddie and Chrissie sitting at the table, playing 'Snow White Gets Rescued by Captain America' with his kids, their favorite game. Only sometimes Snow White would get substituted for Cinderella, Ariel, Rapunzel or Belle.

"Ready to go kids?" Phil said with a big grin on his face. Both kids squealed with excitement. Dana sprang off her chair and bounced around Phil, still clutching tightly on to her Snow White doll. Eddie and Chrissie stood up and Dana grabbed Phil's arm, still bouncing up and down.

"Thanks, Chrissie. Thanks, Eddie." Phil said to the couple as he was being jerked about by his hyperactive pre-schooler.

"No problem Phil." Chrissie said.

"Need any babysitters when you get back off vacay, let us know." Eddie smiled. "You  _need_  to get back in the game, give these kids a mom."

"Nah. The last relationship I was in didn't exactly work out well." He shrugged.

"The cellist?" Chrissie asked. Phil nodded. "Didn't she just leave you? Is that who their mom is?"

Phil chuckled. "No. Dana and Max are adopted."

"They allowed a single man to adopt?" Chrissie asked in disbelief.

"Well, I had no criminal record and I'm an upstanding... IT guy." Phil didn't want  _anyone_  to know about his profession, _especially_  when it could endanger his young children. So to those living in and around his apartment building, Phil was just your friendly neighborhood computer programmer.

"Huh." Eddie shrugged. "Nice to know I could still get kids if we split."

"Hey!" Chrissie said in mock anger.

"Alright, take it easy, guys." Phil said, before the couple could kiss in front of his children.

"Bye, Phil." They said together as they left his apartment. Phil turned to his kids.

"We going to Disney World, or what?"

* * *

It was now around halfway through the flight and Tony was positive that S.H.I.E.L.D were flying their tiny private plane as slow as possible just to wind him up. Why couldn't they have taken the quinjet?

"And so I said to Bucky..." Oh god. Why won't Steve shut up? "But Bucky grabbed my shield and hid behind it. Self preservation and all that." Please shut up, Steve.

"Maria!" Tony blurted out. "Are you excited for Disney World?" He asked, in a bid to shut Steve up.

"Not particularly." Maria said, fiddling on her S.H.I.E.L.D mandated phone. She was texting someone. Her boyfriend Phil. Tony began to smirk.

"Texting Phil?" Tony said cockily. Maria's eyes widened in shock.

"What? Who told you about that? You're not supposed to know-it's classified!" She said panicked.

"Chill out, it was a joke." Tony rolled his eyes. "Girls are  _always_  defensive when it comes to their boyfriends." He muttered.

"I do  _not_  have a boyfriend, Tony." Maria said calmly.

"Then who were you making kissy noises to down the phone?" Maria looked away from Tony. "Are you lesbian?"

"No, Tony." She said sourly.

"Do you have a brother?"

"No, Tony."

"Nephew? Uncle perhaps?" Maria shook her head. "There's a guy in your life named Phil and he's close enough to you that you make kissy noises over the phone to him." Tony rubbed his goatee. "I'm gonna find out who it is."

"Just not in the next two weeks. This is playtime, not work time." Maria said in monotone, still playing on her phone. "Besides, I'm not texting anyone. I'm playing  _Angry Birds_." She turned the screen so it faced Tony and there he saw it-4 little birds of varying colors and sizes with structures of varying materials around several little green pigs. Tony nodded.

"So that's  _Angry Birds.._." Tony said sheepishly.

"Yes, Tony, that  _is_   _Angry Birds_." She turned the screen back around and carried on playing.

"Angry birds? Where are the angry birds? I shall take them down!" Thor rapidly stood up from his seat and picked up his hammer.

"It's just a game, Point Break." Tony rolled his eyes at the naive demi-god.

"A game?" Thor lowered his hammer.

"Yeah. That's it. It's on her phone." Tony pointed to Maria's phone and smiled. He'd much rather explain the concept of video games to Thor than listen to another one of Captain America's war stories. Even though they were better than listening to an old person telling them-because to Steve, World War II was only a few years ago and thus he remembered them more vividly, but that  _was_  the problem. He included  _every_  damn detail.

Clint and Natasha were still busy planning out the first day in the Magic Kingdom and had now taken out a second Stark Pad, which Clint was writing on with a stylus.

"So we have FastPass+ for the three mountains-" Clint began.

"I just thought of something." Natasha said, interrupting Clint. "What if Bruce... You know." She whispers.

"Please." Clint rolled his eyes. "If he were to do that on any ride, it'd be It's a Small World." He waved Natasha off.

"So we don't take him on Small World." She shrugs.

"What about dining reservations?" Clint looked up from his Stark Pad. "Do we  _want_  character meals?"

" _That_  would be funny." Natasha smiled wickedly. "I'd pay good money to see Eeyore hug Tony."

"Or Cinderella."

"He's so vain, he'd probably take selfies with them or something." The two assassins shared a laugh at Tony's expense.

Sam and Bruce now each had their phones out.

"Bastard." Sam muttered under his breath.

"I got triple points." Bruce said nonchalantly. "I'm playing by the rules."

"But you scored 62 points on me."

"Deal with it." Bruce shrugged. "You can still score points."

"But you have 62 points on me." Sam growled softly.

"Hey,  _I'm_  the Hulk here." Bruce arched his eyebrows. "It's just  _Words with Friends_ , don't take it so seriously."

"Did I ever tell you the time of when Dum Dum Dugan got drunk and passed out and we all wrote on him?" Tony grunted and narrowed his eyes at Steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having more fun writing this than I should be.


	3. Dancin' a Catchy Rhythm

The Avengers and Maria managed to land at Orlando International Airport without another outburst from Tony. As soon as they all got off the SHIELD plane, Maria checked her text messages, which she admitted to herself that she should have done sooner.

**we at the airport**

**we bout to fly out now**

**Maria?**

**r u ok?**

**answer me Maria**

**the gh325 is eating me inside**

**like the chestbursters in Alien**

She stopped paying attention after the third message from Phil Coulson. However, she couldn't help but read on and smile at his desperation to contact her. She _did_ show a little panic at the sixth message, but as soon as she saw the seventh, she rolled her eyes.

"So he doesn't just watch _Supernanny_ and _Teen Mom_." Maria smiled to herself and skimmed over the rest of the messages.

**Maria?**

**Im dyig maria**

**I got stabbed by loki agin**

**in the head**

**I'm bleeing 2 death**

**help me**

**Maria?**

They continued like this and she kept her phone in her pocket.

"Messages from _Phil_?" Tony said in sing-song.

"None of your business, Stark." Maria folded her arms.

"Has anyone ever told you how..."

"Beautiful I am? Yes, Stark. So I don't need to hear it from you."

"No. How much you look like Robin Sparkles."

"Shut up, Stark."

"Hey, can we go to _McDonalds_?" Clint asked eagerly.

"Clint, you just had a massive ice cream sundae on the flight over here." Maria sighed in disbelief.

"Yeah, but I didn't have a cheeseburger."

"If we're getting cheeseburgers, take us to _Burger King_." Tony chimed in.

"No. We're not going for cheeseburgers." Maria said adamantly. "We're going to get into the mini bus and go to the hotel."

"Which hotel?" Bruce asked.

"So glad you asked, Bruce, Coronado Springs." Maria pulled out a leaflet from her jeans pocket and handed it to Bruce.

"Wow. This looks really cool." Bruce smiled.

"So there's a pool?" Steve said, craning his neck to examine the paper in Bruce's hand. "And a water slide?

"Water slide? No way!" Bucky shouted excitedly.

"You had water slides back before you became a Capsicle?" Tony asked.

"Tony, I fought in World War II. Not the Civil War." Steve clarified.

"That's not according to the comics." Tony muttered under his breath.

"What?"

"Nothing!" Tony said quickly.

"Tony, if you have something to say, say it."

"God, come on!" Tony shouted, defensively.

"What is it you require, Man of Iron?" Thor asked loudly.

"Not you Thor." Tony waved him off.

"He's not even God." Steve said.

"No, that is because I am _a_ God, the God of Thunder!" Thor raised his hammer high.

"There's only one God." Steve said, folding his arms. "Pretty sure he doesn't dress like you." Thor looked at Steve furiously causing Steve to raise his shield above his head.

"Guys, no!" Maria shouted, standing between them. "No fighting! This is a _bonding_ trip!"

"I was not going to fight this man." Thor said. He lowered his hammer slightly. "I was merely going to strike him with my hammer, Mjolnir." He shrugged.

"Yeah, cuz that _really_ worked out last time, didn't it, Point Break?" Tony said, clapping Thor on the shoulder. Steve lowered his shield.

"It's over?" Steve asked, hesitantly.

"Yeah, it's all over, Steve." Bucky placed his hand gently on his friend's shoulder.

"See, _this_ is why Fury mandated the retreat." Maria said once both Steve and Thor had lowered their weapons. "You are getting out of hand with your petty fighting. And frankly it's getting on _everyone's_ last nerve." She sighed and shot an angry look Bucky's way. "That's those of you who actually turn up to missions."

"Yeah, _Bucky_." Clint folded his arms. "You're worse than Ant Man. And he created Ultron!"

"No, that was me." Tony interjected.

"You? I don't remember it being you." Clint says, pulling a worn copy of Age of Ultron from his pocket. "Says here Ultron was created by Hank Pym, but that was way back in Avengers #55 in the 1960s."

"Well, not in _this_ universe." Tony shrugs. "It was me. Also, in this universe, Ant Man is Scott Lang. He went to jail."

"Alright." Clint says skeptically, putting the comic book back in his pocket. "Whatever you say, Tony."

"Ugh. 'Whatever I say'... Bird Brain, he's one of your teammates! Or are you too busy hiding in the vents to notice?" Tony glared at Clint. "And this universe also created Phil Coulson-may he rest in peace.."

"Tony, is that _you_ I'm on this childish trip with, or are you actually _Deadpool_ in disguise?" Natasha asked, folding her arms skeptically. "Because I swear you're getting more nuts by the day."

"Nuts?" 'Tony was taken aback. "I'll show you who's nuts!" Tony raised his fist to punch Natasha, but Clint came between them both before anything could happen.

"Guys, ix-nay on the utant-may." Clint hissed. "We're not allowed to mention anything of mutants or the Fantastic 4 in this universe either."

"Or Spider Man." Steve added.

"What the hell has Spider Man got to do with any of this?" Bucky shouted. "They were arguing about Deadpool!"

"Don't you raise your voice at me, Bucky!" Steve raised his shield once again. "We're _supposed_ to be best friends-till the end of the line, remember?!"

Natasha grabbed Bucky's shoulder, turning him to face her. "Yeah! Don't raise your voice at Steve!" She spat. "I damaged that arm of yours once before, I can totally do it again."

"You do that and I'll shoot you again!" Bucky countered.

"What is the point of this mindless arguing?" Bruce said calmly. "It serves no purpose only than to create tension within our group."

"I'm with the Hulk on this one." Sam said.

"Dude, don't call me the Hulk, I'm not the Hulk." Bruce snapped.

"Fucking whatever." Sam waved him off.

"I swear to God, Clint, shut the hell up!" Tony shouted. "Someone get Legolas out of here!"

"I didn't even say anything that time, Tony!" Clint raised his voice.

"To be fair, Tony, he _really_ didn't." Steve said.

"Thank you, Cap." Clint glared at Tony.

"Your presence is annoying me."

Bruce turned away from Sam. "And I suppose the genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist just gets whatever the fuck he wants, right?"

"Don't blame me, you know it's true." Tony said casually as everyone glared angrily at him.

"GET IN THE MINI BUS!" Maria shouted and the heroes all quietened down and piled into the mini bus sheepishly.

* * *

Phil had just sent his twentieth message to Maria. He knew she was probably mid flight, but wanted to wind her up anyway. He had just touched down in Orlando International Airport-well, not _just_. It had been around an hour since he had to wait on for his family's baggage and his son's wheelchair. He was outside the airport with his two kids and they were waiting for the Disney's Magical Express coach because according to Melinda May, there's no way you could go on vacation to Disney World and stay in a Disney Resort _without_ going there on the Disney's Magical Express coach. It was really getting hot, so Phil took off his jacket, exposing his t-shirt. Phil couldn't remember the last time he wore a t-shirt, jeans _and_ sneakers, normally it was just a work suit. His daughter was bouncing around hyperactively, while his son excitedly reeled off as many Disney character names as he could. That coupled with the heat made Phil convinced he was going to have some sort of psychotic breakdown before the bus actually got there.

* * *

Nobody said anything in the mini bus. Instead, they all sat in their seats, moping. Well, Thor didn't. Thor was excited and kept peppering Maria with questions.

"What will this 'Disney World' be like? I assume we're still on Midgard and that this 'Disney World' is some sort of kingdom in Midgard. It's really hot where we are now. Where are we now? Why is it so hot? New Mexico was hot, but this somehow seems different. Are we going to have fun? Will it be like glorious battle?"

"Thor, please shut the hell up." Maria pinched the bridge of her nose. "Also, try to wear some normal clothes, we've got you under your Donald Blake alias."

"Alias?"

"What Dr. Selvig calls you."

"Is he coming with Jane and Darcy?" Thor asked, somehow more excited than before.

"No." Maria said simply.

"Oh." Thor sighed, feeling deflated*.

"Maria!" Clint called. "I have to go potty."

"Gee, Legolas, you're a trained assassin and you still say 'go potty'. Wow." Tony smiled.

"Don't think about it, Stark." Clint narrowed his eyes.

"What?" Tony smiled innocently. "I wasn't going to do _anything_."

"Clint, I'm not stopping." Maria turned around to see the now shirtless assassin. She studied the scars criss-crossing his body. "What happened to your clothes, Barton?"

"I had a SHIELD tactical vest on, Maria." Clint said as if it were obvious. "It's hardly Disney World wear. It's work wear."

"I'm still not taking you to the bathroom."

"Maria, please." Clint said, dragging out the vowels.

"No." Maria said and turned around. Clint reached down in his backpack and pulled out a severely wrinkled purple t-shirt.

"Not fair." He grunted.

"Yes fair." Maria said.

"You never answered my question." Thor said after a brief silence.

"Which one was that then, Thor?" Maria sighed with boredom.

"Where are we and why is it so hot?"

"We're in Florida." She said, turning to the Asgardian God sitting on her right. "And it's a different kind of heat because it's humid heat."

"I do not understand."

"New Mexico had dry heat because it's a desert. But here it rains all the time and there's moisture in the air." Maria paused for thought. "Fuck it, I'm not a scientist. Bruce, explain humidity to Thor."

"We call the amount of water vapor in the air humidity." Bruce said. "The more water vapor that is in the air, the higher the humidity has risen."

"I do not understand." Thor said. "How can there be water in the air?"

"It's just a vapor. It's not actually real water." Bruce rolled his eyes. "And the reason humidity makes it seem hotter is because the water vapor in the air effectively reduces the effectiveness of the body to be able to sweat, because the sweat isn't getting enough of a chance to evaporate off the body."

"I still do not understand."

"Never mind." Bruce muttered.

"Look, we're almost there, can we just _not_ get into yet _another_ petty argument about the most random of shit?" Maria said, exasperated. "Fucking please?" Nobody answered. "Just stay like this, nice and quiet." Maria pulled out her phone and began to text Phil.

**Phil, I'm fine. How did you put up with the Avengers, they're like children?**

She sent the text and sat back. Natasha and Clint had moved on from planning the first day and had moved on to planning the second day in Epcot. Maria's phone buzzed in her lap. Phil had replied.

**Because Fury considered me to be one :p**

"Typical Phil." Maria smiled. "Can't believe that stiff knows emoticons." She immediately punched out her reply.

**any tips? Theyre giving me a head ache**

After listening to more of Natasha and Clint, Maria got her reply.

**you mean Starks giving you a hedache**

Maria sighed and typed out her response-one which she didn't even have to think about.

**yes**

Maria could just imagine the delights Phil was getting from that text. He was probably grinning really hard with some sort of 'I told you so' smug satisfaction painted on his face. She received another text.

 **sorry. no help.** As she was reading, her phone went off again. **You get used to his overbearing soon. I did.**

She looked at the next text.

**but it took me like 6 moths**

**fuck you.** She wrote.

* * *

Phil sat with his kids on the Disney's Magical Express coach. Well, actually, he sat behind them because he wasn't going to sit with one and not the other, so he sat them together. A man sat next to Phil, his wife and daughter sat behind. Phil's kids were occupied by the Stark Pad that Phil had brought along.

"Hi." The guy next to Phil said.

"Uh... Hi." Phil said awkwardly in return.

"I'm Todd. It's my family's third visit to Disney World this year." The man smiled.

"It's my family's first." Phil said. "And before you tell me where I need to visit and that I simply _must_ ride on Pirates of the Caribbean, I'm just gonna say that I've been to Disney World before. My kids haven't." Technically, Phil _wasn't_ lying, since he had been on an undercover assignment for a week at Epcot Center last year. Maria had looked after his kids.

"They're _your_ kids?" Todd asked. "I thought you might be their grandpa or something."

"Nope. They're _my_ kids." Phil raised an eyebrow. "You young people aren't the only people who can have kids."

"Where's the mom?"

"I'm single."

"Divorced? Is this a custody thing?"

"No, I'm single." Phil said coolly. "I have had relationships, but the last one, got broken off before the kids were mine."

"What happened?"

"I died." Phil said bluntly, causing Todd to look at Phil fearfully. Phil leaned over the seats to briefly check on his kids and sat back down.

"You died?" Todd asked. "Like clinical death of like a minute or something? Major surgery?"

"You could say that..." Phil trailed off and rubbed his chest where what he called the 'Loki scar' is. "And more like a few days." He turned to look out the window.

"You..." Todd whimpered. "Days huh?" His voice was noticeably more high pitched.

"The information's all out there if you know where to look." Phil said under his breath.

"Huh. I did not need to know that." Todd stared at the should-really-be-dead-man through morbid curiosity. Phil wondered why he told a strange man that he'd been dead for days. He also hoped that the guy wouldn't ask any questions about it. Phil eventually came to the conclusion that he just didn't want the guy talking to him and creeped him out to achieve his goal. Phil leaned to check on his kids again and then slumped back, concluding that his kids were happy watching Disney World 'propaganda' on the overhead screens. He felt a buzz go off in his pocket-his phone and checked to see who was texting him. It was Maria Hill.

**Phil, I'm fine. How did you put up with the Avengers, they're like children?**

The text read. Phil smiled to himself and typed out a reply.

**Because Fury considered me to be one :p**

Yes, he was a government stiff, but Phil knew emoticons. He was 52, not stupid. Seemingly immediately he got a reply.

**any tips? Theyre giving me a head ache**

Phil thought for a second and smirked as he typed out his response and sent it.

**you mean Starks giving you a hedache**

Phil didn't even have a chance to lock his phone screen before he got the next reply which was a simple one word answer.

**yes**

**sorry. no help.** He typed. **You get used to his overbearing soon. I did.**

He sent another text immediately following.

**but it took me like 6 moths**

After a brief passage of time, Phil received another text. He looked at and it fought hard to hold back his laughter.

 **fuck you.** It read.

* * *

The mini bus carrying Maria and the Avengers stopped at a traffic light and Steve looked out the window.

" _Coronado Springs Resort and Convention Center._ " He read. "Is this it?"

"Yeah, Cap. This is it." Maria replied. "We're here." The mini bus turned in to the resort, giving the Avengers the chance to look around at all the palm trees surrounding them.

"Where's Mickey Mouse?" Steve asked. "I'm not seeing him anywhere.

"You will soon, Spangles." Tony said. "Hang on-so you get the concept of Disney World then?"

"Tony, by the time I was frozen, Disney had already brought out Snow White, Pinocchio, Fantasia, Dumbo, Bambi, Saludos Amigos, The Three Caballeros plus a lot of short cartoons like Steamboat Willie." Steve glared at Tony, who was sitting opposite him. "Plus in the time that I've been unfrozen, there's been Brave, Monsters University, Winnie the Pooh, Wreck-It Ralph, Frozen and Big Hero 6." He sighed. "Sorry to say, but I'm _well_ familiar with Disney."

"Is Big Hero 6 _allowed_ to exist in our universe?" Clint asked. "Since in the comics, we're apparently supposed to know Sunfire?"

"And Sunfire's supposed to know Wolver..."

"Let's just ignore that fact, shall we?" Tony whispered loudly, interrupting Natasha. The mini bus came to a halt outside a large building.

"Alright." Maria said. "Everyone get out and don't make me say that twice." Everyone piled out the mini bus. Maria got out first and Thor followed. Clint was the last one out. Maria looked around her group and noticed that Thor was carrying his hammer, Captain America had his shield, Sam had his winged backpack and Clint had his bow and quiver full of deadly, dangerous arrows. "Weapons in the bus." She said sternly. "NOW!" She barked. Everyone carrying some kind of weapon ran back onto the bus and left them there.

"What do I do about my arm, Maria? I mean, it's a weapon too, right?" Bucky pondered.

"It's also a prosthetic that we don't know how to get the hell off you." Maria replied. "Whatever." She rolled her eyes. "Just get your shit together-get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit that _isn't_ weapons and get into the building."

* * *

Phil's Disney's Magical Express coach stopped at the Caribbean Beach Resort to let people off and thankfully his neighbor Todd left at this stop. Phil hated the way that Todd stared at him after he told him he'd died. There's creepier things than talking to someone who was dead but had been resurrected-Phil would've wagered good money that Todd wouldn't look at Phil funny for having come back to life after days if he'd been Jesus. But then again, Phil had been dead longer than Jesus had been when _he_ was resurrected. Whatever. It wasn't worth thinking about anymore. He had come all the way down to Florida to have fun and spend time with his kids.

"Daddy, when are we going to get to our place?" 4 year old Dana asked,turning around to display her puppy dog eyes to Phil.

"Soon, Honey." Phil said, smiling at his little girl. She sure had him wrapped around her finger. "Not long now, in fact, I can see the sign!" He said eagerly.

"Really, Daddy?!" The little girl squealed with delight when she saw her father nod.

"Yeah, see." Phil began. "Coronado Springs Resort."

"This looks cool, Dad.." Max nodded in approval. "Two weeks here?"

"Two whole weeks with my undivided attention!" Phil smiled to himself. "Well, maybe shared with Mickey Mouse."

"Mickey Mouse?!" His kids screamed with delight in such a high pitch, it hurt Phil's ears.

"Only if you're quiet from now until we get to our room." Phil said, looking at his kids. "Alright, this is us." He said when the bus came to a stop, a few seconds later. Phil picked up his son's crutches, his own Backpack of Important Stuff and stood up. He then handed the crutches to Max, who stood up and gingerly navigated his way down the aisle with them. He was followed by his sister and Phil. The bus driver helped Phil out immensely with his kids disembarking the bus, so he felt it best to tip the driver a $10.

Once they received their luggage-and Max's wheelchair-they were helped into the main lobby by a bellhop, since Phil seemed desperately unsure of where to go next.

* * *

Maria happened to be in the lobby and was making a complaint since-apparently-Thor's TV wasn't working right. While waiting for the concierge to report back to her, she heard a familiar voice and her blood ran cold.

"Yeah, I can't believe I got lost. The main lobby's right here!" No. No it couldn't be.

Maria winced as she turned her head to see, only five desks down, Phil Coulson. She continued to stare as every cell in her body kept repeating what her face already read. 'We're boned'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: *NOT a reference to 'deflategate'. But you know to be topical, Tom Brady's balls.  
> I hope after this that things will start to pick up and get better. The self referencing bit... Well, let's just say I read a bit too much Deadpool. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just true. Anyway, Deadpool's great, go read some Deadpool. And yep. I watch Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D as well. So this story's also sort of an AU from that, too. Because why the hell not? Comedy doesn't have to make sense. Like Deadpool. (Sorry, no more Deadpool, I promise). And let's just imagine that Bucky's regained his memories. So it would be shortly after Age of Ultron, which both has and hasn't taken place yet. See, this is why there's labels like AU about. Yay!  
> Anyway... Let me know what you think. The slow buildup was necessary, I'm afraid. Sorry. And while Clint and Natasha may have the whole vacay planned out, I don't. If you can suggest something, please do.


	4. Poor Unfortunate Souls

"Okay, Ms. Hill, a technician will be up to the room shortly." The concierge said. Maria paid little to no attention as she was busy staring at Phil Coulson.

"Alright, thanks." She muttered absently and headed into the shop for some food for the Avengers. Natasha and Clint were already in the shop to help carry things the things back. Maria realized that this was a good thing. Had it been anyone else like Bruce or Tony...

"Fanboy's here." Maria said under her breath. Clint shrugged and Maria made the SHIELD accepted ASL sign for ' _Coulson_ '. Both Natasha and Clint's jaws dropped.

"No way." Clint shook his head. "No _way_ is that possible."

"He's got his two kids with him." Maria whispered.

"Kids or not..." Clint trailed off.

"Yeah, what if one of the others sees him?" Natasha said quietly.

"If Bucky or Sam sees him, it wouldn't be a problem." Clint reasoned. "They don't know him. But if Tony, Thor, Bruce or Cap- _especially_ Cap-sees him then we better call Houston as we're gonna have a problem on our hands."

"Let's not worry about that now." Maria said to the two calm looking assassins who were no doubt panicking on the inside. "Let's just worry about supplies."

Maria made a mental list of what she might need. First, Thor. "Alright, Thor will eat _anything_ as long as you pair it with coffee." Maria picked up a Darth Vader cookie and walked over to the coffee machine to make a coffee for Thor.

"Tony will eat chips if he's desperate." Natasha said, picking up a bag of _Lays_. "Bruce told me that Tony eats them when he's down in the lab because he can just pick at them."

"Cap likes sandwiches." Clint said. "Bacon is awesome." He took a deep breath. "So bacon sandwich it is for Cap. And another one for Sam since he's Cap's sidekick or whatever he is."

"He's a friend. I'd say Bucky's more his sidekick." Natasha said. "I don't really know what he likes."

"Then get him a plain cheese sandwich." Clint shrugged and Natasha picked up a cheese sandwich.

"That leaves Bruce." Maria said.

"Get him a salad." Clint smiled. "He's vegetarian. Vegetarians eat salad."

"They eat other things _besides_ salad, Clint."

"Whoa! Who died and made Tasha Queen of the Vegetarians?!" Clint laughed. Maria and Natasha looked on at him, unamused.

"Let's get him some chips too." Natasha suggested.

" _Pringles_?" Clint asked, his hand hovering over a small carton of the famous potato chips.

"Why not?" Natasha shrugged. "I mean, Tony's getting _Lays_ , why not give Bruce _Pringles_." Clint grabbed the carton and they went to pay.

"Hang on! Drinks!" Natasha said and went to the fridge. She came away with as many bottles of water as she could carry and let them all fall on the counter.

"Clint, you're gonna have to go the shop next door for a plastic bag or two." Maria said.

"On it, Chief." Clint nodded and ran out the small food shop.

"Don't call me Chief." Maria muttered under her breath.

"Should we get cupcakes?" Natasha asked.

"No, I think we got enough here..." Maria began.

"Let me rephrase that." Natasha said sternly. "We're _getting_ cupcakes."

* * *

It was easier getting a plastic bag than Clint anticipated. He was on his way back to Maria and Natasha when he heard something that stopped him dead in his tracks.

"Unca Clint!"

"Kids, be quiet!"

Clint turned around to see Phil Coulson with his children, looking at a sheet of paper and accompanied by a bellhop.

"Uh... Sir." Clint addressed Phil nervously.

"No need for formalities, Clint. This is Disney World." Phil looked at the archer up and down. "So you're staying here too, then."

Clint nodded. "Two weeks, Phil."

"The others still don't know I'm alive now, I hope."

"Thor, Bruce, Tony and Cap don't and Sam and Bucky don't even know who you are." Clint confirmed.

"Sam and Bucky?"

"Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes."

"Wait-Bucky Barnes?" Phil choked in surprise. "The Winter Soldier?"

"Yeah. He's an Avenger now."

"Wow. You die and then go away for 4 years and _this_ happens." Phil shook his head.

"So how are you enjoying fatherhood? Novelty worn off yet?" Clint asked.

"Clint, it's hard." Phil ran his hand through what was left of his hair. "I can't deny that."

"And I see they're costing you a fortune."

"Oh no, _I_ wanted this." Phil smiled. "I'm usually too busy with my work as a _computer programmer_ ," He emphasized. "That I don't spend too much time with my kids. This vacation is my attempt to correct that."

"He does biz-niss." Phil's daughter Dana said innocently.

"That's right." Phil patted his daughter on the head.

"Not told them about SHIELD?" Clint raised his eyebrow.

"S.H.I.E.L.D. is the program Daddy makes." Dana smiled up at Clint.

"CLINT!" Maria shouted. "How long does it take to get a bag..." She emerged from the small food shop.

"Hello, Maria." Phil smiled.

"Hi, Aunt Maria!" Phil's kids said together.

"Are you and Unca Clint seeing each other?" Phil's son Max blurted out.

"No. No we're not!" Maria and Clint said defensively.

"And Phil, as much as you're my father figure and one of my closest friends, I have to go get back to the guys now."

"Yeah, I know how Tony can be." Phil rubbed the back of his neck.

"Come on, Clint." Maria said, grabbing Clint's free arm and pulled him back into the shop.

* * *

Maria, Natasha and Clint were walking to their hotel rooms with their items-sans Thor's coffee-now in the plastic bag.

"I can't believe Coulson's here." Natasha said after a long period of silence.

"Part of me still can't believe he's not dead now." Clint muttered. "He's alive, Tasha. He had trouble telling us that."

"Grow up. We've known for the past 3 years, Clint. He didn't have to tell us." She shrugged. "We're both SHIELD Level 7."

"Still." Clint shrugged.

"He didn't tell you because of the really cruel nature of Project T.A.H.I.T.I." Maria said. "He never actually went to Tahiti." She inhaled deeply because she knew that though they knew that Phil lived, neither Clint or Natasha knew what had happened to him. "He had his memories altered. He was half alive, begging for death, but Fury never gave up on him. The 'drug'" She did quotation marks in the air. "That saved him is called GH-325. And it's only for use on... Dead or dying Avengers."

"Well..." Clint's eyes widened and his face paled. "Good to know there's a contingency plan. Y'know? In case someone disembowels me, stabs me, shoots me or whatever."

They walked in silence past the swimming pool. Clint and Natasha couldn't help but to crane their necks to see it.

"Clint, did you pack your swimming trunks?" Natasha asked.

"I sure did. Did you pack your bikini?"

"No." Natasha answered. "I packed my swim suit."

"Damn. I'm going there when we've had our snacks." Clint said.

"Oh no you're not." Maria said. "We're sticking together."

"Not fair." Clint huffed.

"Yes fair." Maria said.

"So we can't go swimming?"

"Oh no, we can. Just not today."

Natasha grunted. She felt Maria was being unreasonable. "It's only 6 in the evening, Maria." Maria sighed. "This is in case the others see Coulson, isn't it?"

"No, it isn't." Maria said as they approached their hotel building very far from the main reception, but close to one of the resort shuttle stations. Perhaps they should've taken it.

"What is it then?"

"It is what it is, now suck it up." Maria ordered. "We're gonna have snacks and go to bed early because according to you two" She pointed at Clint and Natasha. "We've to be at the Magic Kingdom by 8."

"Do you want to do the 7 Dwarfs Mine Train or not?" Natasha folded her arms sullenly.

"I could care less, but for the next two weeks, I'm with you." Maria grunted. "I don't know _why_ I volunteered for this shit. Fury should've sent Agent fucking anyone but me." They stopped outside a door and heard loud noises and muffled voices. "Fuck me, what are they doing _now_?" Maria sighed as she raised her wrist and touched her MagicBand on the door. When she opened it, she half expected the remaining Avengers to be squabbling with each other. What she didn't expect was them to be taking sides. Bruce and Thor sided with Tony and Bucky and Sam with Steve.

"Well at least I was never in show-business." Tony spat. "The star-spangled man with a plan!"

"You may never have been in show-business, but you don't have to be!" Steve scowled. "Your private life is splattered all over the tabloids! You're practically an alcoholic!" He shouted, waving Thor's copy of Us Weekly in Tony's face.

"According to the studies today, _you_ should be an alcoholic or at _least_ suffering from some sort of PTSD like your good friend Winter Soldier." Tony raised his voice. "But _no_! You're perfect in every fucking way!"

"I may be a war veteran," Steve began. "And it might not seem so great for you because I never _once_ profited of civilian casualties."

"Fuck you." Tony's eyes narrowed. "Your precious Howard started making those weapons. I only continued. At least I fucking changed."

"At least Howard loved me." Steve crossed his arms smugly. This lasted all but a second as Maria, Clint and Natasha could only look on in shock as Tony tackled Steve to the ground and punched him in the face. Steve then began hitting Tony.

"Civil War! Civil War!" Bruce, Thor, Sam and Bucky cried out.

"Take that back!" Tony growled.

"Never!" Steve shouted. "Benedict Cumberbatch is the better _Sherlock Holmes_!"

"Fuck you!" Tony shouted as Bruce and Thor pulled Tony off Steve.

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Maria shouted. "Tell me how this started."

"I'd rather not do that..." Tony grunted.

" _Not_ a question, Stark." Maria snapped.

"He insulted my father." Tony said under his breath.

"And?" Maria turned to Steve. "Did you?"

"I only did it because he said I was a disgrace as a soldier."

"And I only said that because he said I don't deserve my Iron Man armor."

"And I only said _that_ because _he_ said that I'm 'nothing but a lab rat'."

"And I said _that_..."

"Alright!" Maria raised her hands. "No more." She turned to Bucky and Sam. "When did you start taking sides?"

"When Tony called Steve the worst Human Torch." Sam said.

Maria turned to Bruce and Thor. "And you?"

"When Steve called Tony a pathetic alcoholic." Bruce said.

"That's right. I'm not an alcoholic." Tony whined. "I'm a drunk. There's a difference."

"Tony, Steve, go to your rooms." Maria inhaled deeply. "I feel like I'm your mother rather than your boss."

"But-but..." They protested. Maria growled at them and they each left Maria's hotel room.

"And you four," She began, looking at Bruce, Thor, Bucky and Sam. "No taking sides." They all looked at the floor, sheepishly. "We brought snacks, by the way." Maria clicked her fingers and Natasha came forward and handed Thor his coffee.

Clint tipped all the snacks from the bag out on the table. "The _Lays_ are Tony's and one of the bacon sandwiches is Steve's." He explained. "The other one is for Sam and the cheese one is Bucky's."

"I'm guessing the salad is mine..." Bruce sighed.

"And the _Pringles_." Clint smiled. "The Darth Vader cookie is for you, Thor. You like Star Wars, right?"

"Indeed." Thor smiled, picking up the black iced cookie. "I enjoyed it very much when I watched it with Jane. This is a most wondrous baked treat. Many thanks to you, Bird Man."

"It's Clint... We've been over this before." Clint whined.

"There's also cupcakes." Natasha said cheerfully. "Three choc chip, three double choc chip and three blueberry."

"And a bottled water." Clint added.

"So who's the popcorn, the _Cheetos_ and the trail mix for?" Bucky asked as he poked the bag of trail mix. "And for that matter, why does the trail mix have Chip and Dale on it?"

"To answer the first question, the trail mix is mine." Clint said, snatching the trail mix from Bucky. "And it's got Chip and Dale on it because this is Disney World."

"The popcorn's mine." Natasha said. "The _Cheetos_ are Maria's."

"Now everyone choose a cupcake, pick up a water and get the fucking hell out of my room."

* * *

About an hour or so later-though it might have been an hour and a half-Maria picked up the bacon sandwich, one of the spare cupcakes and a water and left her room. She walked two doors down and knocked on the door. Steve answered it. She could see he still had a black eye, but it was in the latest stage of healing.

"Hey, Steve." She said. "I brought food."

"Come in." He said and stepped away from the door to let Maria in. She lay the food down on his table.

"Where's Bucky?" She asked.

"In the bathroom." Steve replied. "He's having a bath. Apparently it's easier on his arm than a shower." He shrugged.

"Sorry that I had to throw you out earlier." Maria said softly. "But you and Stark are just arguing too much for my liking. And that's what we aim to correct by sending you guys here and having you spend pretty much all your time with each other-except for sleep of course-"

"Clint and Natasha went to the pool." Steve blurted out. "Is this blueberry?" He asked, pointing at the cupcake.

"They _what_?!"

"They went down to the pool." Steve repeated, taking a bite out of the cupcake. "Wow. _This_ is good." He mumbled with his mouth full. Maria's phone began to ring. "You gonna get that?"

"Agent Hill." Maria winced. Although this was work for her, she didn't want it to feel like it was work. But what if it was Fury calling her?

"Maria! It's Natasha Romanoff here." Natasha's voice dripped with false cheerfulness.

"Natasha." Maria said coldly.

"So uh... We got a problem."

"How bad is it?" Maria asked in monotone.

"Erm... Pretty bad." Natasha said sheepishly. "It's Clint."

"I know you're at the pool. Stay there, I'll be there in around 15 minutes." Maria hung up, not giving Natasha the chance to respond.

* * *

True to her word, Maria arrived at the main pool area in quarter of an hour after dropping Tony's food off at his and Bruce's hotel room which was directly under hers. She was greeted by a dry Natasha wearing a black swimsuit and goggles and a wet Clint wearing purple swimming trunks and flip flops.

"What's happened here, then?" Maria asked sternly, folding her arms.

"Clint jumped into the water."

"So I see." Maria said, tensing up further.

"He had his... You know." Natasha whispered sheepishly. "He forgot to take them out before jumping in the water."

"Clint, you didn't..."

"He can't hear you." Natasha sighed. "Water damage."

"Back to your hotel room." Maria said. "Don't make me repeat it."

"Actually, I think you're going to have to for Clint..." Maria's stare hardened. "Okay. Going now." Natasha grabbed Clint's wrist and they both walked away from the pool with their heads down while Maria marched behind them, carrying their items.

* * *

"So you have got spare hearing aids for Clint?" Maria asked Tony, in her second visit of the hour to his hotel room.

"Yeah, but they're not the fancy little in ear SHIELD ones that he usually has." Tony said, producing a small, hard black box from his suitcase. "They're just your average looking ones that I've been tinkering with."

"How powerful are they?" Maria asked.

"Powerful enough that he'll be able to hear us close to normal." Tony said as he opened the box to show Maria the two average looking, purple behind the ear hearing aids that he'd been working on.

"They're purple." Maria noted.

"And isn't that Bird Brain's favorite color?" Tony asked.

"Yeah." Maria nodded. "I just wasn't aware that hearing aids came in purple."

"They come in whatever color you want." Tony closed the box and handed it to Maria.

"Thanks, Tony."

"No problem Boss."

* * *

Maria lay her head down on her pillow and checked the time on her phone. 20:18. Damn. So early. But she felt so drained. And this wasn't even the first day! How would she feel over the next two weeks, being the only responsible adult of a group of 8 bickering superheroes while trying to keep them away from their "dead" handler-who was staying at the _exact_ same resort as they were, because of _course_ he was.

One thing was certain; this was going to be a _long_ two weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Magic Kingdom next chapter! Yay! More of the Coulson clan next chapter! Double yay!  
> So Clint and Natasha now know Coulson's staying at the same resort. What will they do with this information? I can imagine-especially after the end of Winter Soldier-that they know of Coulson's resurrection, but not quite the exact circumstance surrounding it, so I promise, the story won't hit dark like that again. And don't worry, I've already got It's A Small World all planned out.


	5. The Great Outdoors

Maria woke up at 6:41 the next morning, deeply hoping that none of the Avengers had tried to kill each other in the night. She got out of bed and stumbled to the bathroom to brush her teeth. She dressed into a blue Frozen t-shirt and a pair of jorts. It's not that she _liked_ Frozen, she just wanted to fit in. She then put her socks and sneakers on. Grabbing her MagicBand, cell phone and SHIELD ID card, she left her room, hurriedly wrapping the Magic Band around her wrist and wedging her ID card between her breasts. She put her phone in her pocket and knocked on the door of the Avengers closest to her-Steve and Bucky two doors down.

"Bucky! Cap!" Maria said loudly. "Get up! We're going for breakfast!" Bucky opened the door, red, puffy circles around his eyes and his long hair completely matted, also shirtless.

"I think Steve's in a coma." He said, emotionlessly.

"What do you mean 'in a coma'? You're super soldiers." Maria asked irritatedly.

"Well... He won't wake up." Bucky yawned.

"Bucky, you have a metal prosthetic arm." Maria arched an eyebrow. "Just put your metal hand on his face, the cold will..." She sighed. "Why do I bother?"

"Maria?" Bucky asked.

"Just be ready in 10 minutes." Maria shook her head as she walked away. Sam and Thor were next door so Maria knocked on their door next. Sam answered it, wide awake and fully dressed in a grey t-shirt and black shorts.

"You're up early." Maria said.

"Military training, ma'am." Sam smirked.

"Yeah well," Maria began. "Tell that to the super soldier World War II veterans next door." She scoffed. "One of them's half dead and the other's comatose."

"Cap and Bucky?" Sam looked at Maria incredulously. "No way."

"It's true. You'll see." Maria inhaled loudly. "So where's Thor?"

"In the shower singing Asgardian folk songs." Sam groaned. "Can't you hear it?" She could. Before that moment, Maria had no idea what traditional Asgardian folk songs sounded like and she hoped never to hear them again. Thor couldn't hold a tune to prevent Ragnarok. Maria's phone started to ring. "You should probably get that. Come in." He said, moving aside to let Maria in as she fumbled about in her shorts pocket for her cell phone.

"Agent Hill." She winced again. But this time it _was_ Nick Fury on the phone.

" _Hill, it's Fury_." He said down the phone.

"Nick Fury, what a surprise." It genuinely was. "Calling to check up on the Avengers are you?"

" _No, I'm calling to tell you to keep them away from the news_."

"Why?"

" _Because MODOK is causing some trouble over in Jersey City._ "

"Jersey City?" Maria asked skeptically.

" _Yeah. I don't want them coming back to sort it out_." Fury snapped.

"What do I tell them if they _do_ find out?"

" _Tell them that SHIELD and Black Panther have the situation under control_." He said and hung up.

"Fury? Fury? Nick?" She asked down the phone. "Bastard hung up on me." She muttered, pocketing her phone.

"What aren't we supposed to find out?" Sam asked.

"Not you, Sam. Tony and Cap." Maria said.

"What aren't _they_ supposed to find out?" Sam folded his arms challengingly. "And what does it have to do with Jersey City?" Maria cleared her throat. "It's something to do with those Maximoff twins, isn't it? Or Black Panther? Doctor Strange?" He paused. "Loki?"

"I'm not telling you because you'll tell them." Maria countered. "Ten minutes, my hotel room." She turned on her heel and swiftly walked out of Sam and Thor's hotel room.

Bruce and Tony were next, on the lower floor. If Maria thought right, she knew that neither of them had slept due to sciencing or whatever. She wasn't very surprised when she found herself banging on their door. _Eventually_ , Tony answered.

"What?" Tony asked indignantly.

"Get up. We're going to breakfast." Maria snapped. "You two have got five minutes. Be at my room or else make your way to the food place alone." And with that, she left for the assassins' room next door to Bruce and Tony's. Natasha opened the door before Maria could even knock.

"I heard and saw you coming." She said.

"Where's Clint?" Maria asked.

"Brushing his teeth." Natasha pointed to a man in her bathroom-Clint. He hadn't closed the door because he didn't feel privacy was necessary with Natasha, not after what happened in Budapest.

"How're the new hearing aids?" Maria asked.

"He likes them." Natasha said and Maria gave a small smile. "He just hates how bulky and obvious they look." That wiped the smile off Maria's face.

"Yes. Well..."

"I know." Natasha sighed. "They're the only spares."

"They are." Maria nodded as Clint came out of the bathroom. "You guys ready?" She asked.

"Yeah, we've got our MagicBands and our phones." Clint said.

"What about your SHIELD identification?"

"Uh..." Clint and Natasha shared a worried expression. They hadn't thought about SHIELD ID.

"You forgot, didn't you?"

"Well it's a vacation..." Clint began.

"What're you gonna do if MODOK comes here?"

"Why would MODOK come here?" Natasha asked.

"Because he's already tearing up Jersey City." Maria answered. Clint and Natasha's facial expressions turned from confused to horrified. "Black Panther and SHIELD are handling it." They relaxed a little.

"Have you got yours?" Clint asked.

Maria paused. "Yes." She answered. Natasha then grabbed hers and Clint's ID cards and put them between her breasts.

"That's where mine is too." Maria nodded. "Ready to go, now?"

"Yep." The assassins both nodded.

"Let's go to my hotel room." The three SHIELD agents left the hotel room and were greeted by Bruce and Tony outside.

"We were just on our way to your room." Bruce said.

"Join us, then." Maria shrugged and the five of them began their walk to Maria's hotel room.

When they got to Maria's room, they saw a half asleep Steve wearing a green t-shirt and beige shorts-the first time Maria had seen him wear anything that wasn't red, white, blue or all of the above-a fully alert Sam who was tying Bucky's bedraggled hair back into a ponytail and an excited Thor who was singing the chorus of It's a Small World over and over.

"What's going on here?" She asked.

"Thor saw Disney World TV last night and this morning. He won't stop." Sam rolled his eyes.

"Thor?" Maria said. "Thor?!" She shouted louder.

Thor turned to look at her. "What is it you require?" He asked.

"For you to shut the hell up." Maria said in the nicest way possible. "We're going to breakfast _together_." Tony opened his mouth as if to say something. "Not a question Stark." She turned to Thor. "We gotta get you some more Earth looking clothes."

* * *

In the Pepper Market restaurant, the Avengers sat down to breakfast. Bruce and Tony were eating _Froot Loops_ because they claimed they weren't hungry, but Maria made them eat something because you apparently can't go to a Disney Park without first eating something. Clint was eating grits because he claimed to never have had them before. Natasha-who was eating toast along with Sam and Maria-knew different and that Clint, though he would never dare admit it to the Avengers, actually liked grits. Bucky and Steve were also eating cereal, _Raisin Bran_ , because they were familiar with it from the time where they grew up. Thor was eating everything on the menu-bagels, cereals, danishes, muffins, omelettes, pancakes, waffles... You name it, there's a good chance Thor was eating it. Maria had insisted on them having a fruit bowl each. However, the Avengers had also insisted on a souvenir mug each and so to stop confusion (and later arguments and/or fist fighting), Maria had to borrow a Sharpie from the cashier to put names on the mugs, which were currently all filled with coffee. Maria decided to check her texts.

**so i lied abut being dead**

**i not dying eithr**

**i need your attenton thouh**

**maria?**

**maria?**

**maria?**

There were about 20-odd texts of just "Maria" over and over again. She sighed and replied.

**Phil**

**Phil**

**Phil**

Just texting his name repeatedly.

"Sending texts to your secret boyfriend are you?" Tony smirked.

"I thought I explained this to you yesterday, Stark." Maria stuffed her phone back into her pocket. "I haven't got a boyfriend."

" _Sure_ you don't."

"I really, _really_ don't, Stark."

"Mhm." Tony grunted as he shoveled the _Froot Loops_ into his mouth. His smirk quickly turned into a thoughtful frown. "That guy over there, he kind of looks like Coulson."

"Where?" Bruce asked, enthusiastically.

"Over there." Tony pointed to a guy six tables ahead of the Avengers. "Only this guy has kids."

"Holy crap he _does look_ like Coulson." Bruce said, his mouth full of _Froot Loops_. "Cap, you seeing this?"

"Yeah, this is really strange." Steve said. "Hey, Maria? Does that guy over there look like Coulson?"

"No." Maria said coldly. She knew that the man actually _was_ her old friend Phil Coulson. She just didn't want any of the Avengers to know that.

"I think it does." Tony shrugged.

"If Coulson were alive now, we'd be pointing that guy out to him and laughing." Bruce smiled as he popped a piece of apple into his mouth.

"More like Coulson wouldn't laugh or show any kind of emotion because I'm still convinced he was some sort of Life Model Decoy." Tony took a swig of his coffee.

"I'm going to top up on coffee." Maria said, standing and picking up her coffee cup. At the coffee station, Maria sent a text to Phil.

**Hey, I got a story you'd like-David,** **Pat** **and Bill saw cheese for breakfast. I told them they couldn't have any and they're thinking about the last time they had cheese.**

Maria had deliberately written it in code in case one of the Avengers-especially Tony-got their hands on her phone accidentally. She topped up her coffee quickly and rejoined the others. She glanced over at Coulson who had gathered his kids and was beginning to walk away.

"Wonder where Coulson's not-dead double is going." Tony said picking up a grape.

"Probably to catch up with his wife." Bruce shrugged. "Or husband, if he leans that way."

* * *

Phil looked over at his children, happily eating their Disney character waffles. He was eating his own sesame seed bagel-that he coated with cream cheese-when his phone buzzed in the pocket of his dark green shorts. It was a text from Maria. His eyes widened in shock when he saw the message.

**Hey, I got a story you'd like-David,** **Pat** **and Bill saw cheese for breakfast. I told them they couldn't have any and they're thinking about the last time they had cheese.**

It had taken Phil but a few seconds to decipher the message. David was the nickname he and Maria had given Bruce, since he reminded them of an old SHIELD acquaintance. Pat was short for Patriot, the nickname of Captain Am-uh Steve and Bill was short for billionaire, which could only be Tony. Although Phil was annoyed that people in SHIELD _still_ called him Cheese, at least he knew who she was referring to. So Bruce, Steve and Tony had seen him at breakfast but Maria had told them that it wasn't him and now they're talking about him. He had to leave.

Shoving his phone into his pocket, Phil addressed his two kids. "So kids, how about we leave now and go the Magic Kingdom earlier?" Max nodded enthusiastically.

"Does this mean we meet Mickey Mouse earlier?" He asked.

"Of course." Phil smiled.

"Okay." Max smiled back.

"But I haven't finished my waffle." Dana looked at Phil sadly.

"It doesn't matter, we're going to meet Mickey Mouse!" He said full of false enthusiasm.

"I want my waffle." Dana frowned Phil.

"Take it with you." He suggested. "I'll tell you what. I'll buy you the biggest, bestest toy you want when we get to the park," Phil watched as his daughter's eyes lit up. "But only if we leave now."

"Okay." Dana agreed. Phil grabbed the handle of his son's wheelchair and took his daughter's hand, before glancing looking around to see if he could see the Avengers. When he spotted them, he realized that Maria wasn't lying. He also realized that he would be spending a good portion of his much needed vacation stressing about bumping into the Avengers. He wasn't worried about Maria, Clint or Natasha, but the others... Phil proceeded to walk away from the table and eventually out the canteen and into the hotel foyer.

"You want an ice cream?" Phil asked. His kids nodded enthusiastically. "I'll get you one when we go to the park." He smiled. "So what ride do you want to go on first?" They had been studying the park maps the concierge had given them last night.

"I wanna do Aladdin!" Dana shouted.

"Buzz Lightyear!" Max shouted.

"Aladdin!"

"Buzz Lightyear!"

"Kids!" Phil said loudly. "We'll toss a coin on it." Phil reached into his pocket. He pulled out a dime and flicked it into the air. When he caught it, he held it flat against the bottom of his hand, looking at his children as he did so. "Alright, 'heads', Aladdin's flying carpets and 'tails', Buzz Lightyear." Phil removed his hand from the coin and lowered his hand so his kids could see. Dana grumbled frustratedly while Max cheered. "Dana, you can choose the ride tomorrow."

"Why not now?"

"Because the ride today was chosen fairly." Phil explained. "When you can't decide between two things, it's always helpful to flick a coin." Phil remembered back when he first joined SHIELD. He was 23, fresh out of university and a lot more intelligent than most of his peers. Nick Fury found out about this-as well as his top marks in his exams-and started to recruit him into SHIELD. He flipped a coin and joined, not regretting his decision. Well, maybe like three times. When he was a young Level 2 field agent and was pushed off of a fifth story balcony (he spent months in hospital after that incident), when SHIELD fell and he was tasked with rebuilding (stress, so much stress) and of course, when he was killed by Loki.

"So flipping a coin solves problems?" Dana asked, looking up at Phil with her head cocked. His heart melted. She looked so cute.

"Some problems, yes." Phil smiled down at his daughter as they walked out of the foyer and into the Florida heat.

"What kinds of problems?" She asked.

"Can it solve world peace?" Max asked.

"I don't think it can, Max." Phil said carefully. "There's always going to be people out there who don't like each other."

"I thought 'haters gonna hate' or something." Max said curiously.

"But some people hate the people that hate them." Phil explained. "And then these people fight. Do you understand?"

Max nodded. "Yeah, I think so."

"Good." Phil smiled. "And don't use 'haters gonna hate' again. It sounds stupid." Max simply nodded as the three arrived at the resort bus station. There were other families there, thankfully none, like Max, using a wheelchair. Or going to the Magic Kingdom. Two were going to Animal Kingdom, one to Blizzard Beach, another to Hollywood Studios and another two were going to Epcot.

* * *

"Donny, come on." Maria said to Thor. They were in the Magic Kingdom-correction, everyone but Thor was in the Magic Kingdom. Thor was still at the ticket gate, since he couldn't figure out how to put his Magic Band to the glowing Mickey head orb in front of him.

"It is so confusing." Thor said, looking all around the orb. "Fascinating, also."

"Listen, Pal. I don't have all day." An irritated Cast Member spoke up.

"You." Thor pointed at the Cast Member. "I take it you are the guardian to this realm. I request you enlighten me as to how I gain access through this invisible portal into your realm." The Cast Member looked at Thor as if he'd lost his mind, while Maria facepalmed and the rest of the Avengers either cringed or looked away with embarrassment.

"Donny, speak in proper English." Maria said. "I know you're practicing for that Shakespeare play, but this is a day off from that."

"I do not understand..." Thor began.

"Even Bucky and I figured it out." Steve muttered under his breath.

"Donny, please." Maria said firmly.

"You wanna know how to get into the Magic Kingdom?" The Cast Member asked. "Sure, I'll show you how." She grabbed Thor's arm and held the Magic Band against the Mickey Mouse head orb. It then flashed green so signify Thor had gained entry to the park. "Simple as that. Mickey to Mickey." She sighed. "Have a nice day now." She waved after the group, who were now walking off. Maria felt a buzz in her pocket and pulled out her phone. Sure enough, she'd had a text. From Phil Coulson.

**dont bother me, Im in Magic Kindom. If yuo need me let me know.**

Maria fired off a quick text to Phil as they passed under the Main Street USA train station. "Bruce, can you get us some park maps please. One each." She said without looking up from her phone.

**I'm in Magic Kingdom to. Theres 9 of us. 2 super solders, 1 asassin archer, 1 genuis, 1 african american solider, 1 russian spy, 1 asgardian god, 1 hulk and 1 overworked and underpaid SHIELD agent. watch you doint bump into us**

The text read. She sent it and pocketed her phone. Bruce handed her a park map and they all walked out onto Main Street USA. Maria stopped next to Tony's Town Square Restaurant and opened up her map. The Avengers crowded around her.

"Alright, it's..." She looked at her wrist to find no watch, but rather her MagicBand there. "Sam, what time is it?" She asked.

Sam pulled out his own cell phone. "It's 10:08." He said as he kept it again.

"Thanks." Maria nodded. "The park's closing at 11 tonight, but I wanna be back at the hotel earlier than that because tomorrow, we're going to Animal Kingdom." She explained. "So where do we go first?" She asked. Everyone's hands shot up into the air.

"Food!" Thor shouted.

"Frontierland!" Steve and Bucky called out.

"Tomorrowland! Tomorrowland!" Tony and Bruce shouted, a little too enthusiastically.

"Mickey Mouse!" Clint said.

"Back to New York!" Natasha shouted out.

"No, we're not going back to New York, Natasha. You've done your share in planning the FastPasses." Maria said irritatedly. "Any other suggestions?"

"How about we just take pictures of the Cinderella Castle first, since it's so iconic?" Sam asked.

"That's a good idea, Sam." Maria folded her park map and slid it in her back pocket. Sam looked proudly at the rest of the Avengers. Natasha glared at him, making it obvious she didn't want to be there.

"I don't like this ragtime music." Clint whined.

"Come on, Clint." Natasha sighed. "It's not like you can even hear it that well."

"I can hear it just fine." He snapped. "It's that damn ragtime version of Fortuosity, you know, the one from The Happiest Millionaire?"

"Clinton Francis Barton!" Natasha said in shock. "Are you actually a Disney Fan, or has my best fuck buddy been replaced by a Life Model Decoy?"

"I-Tasha, please don't call me your 'fuck buddy', it sounds so crass." Clint shook his head in disgust. "We're not at SHIELD now, just call me your boyfriend."

"Now you know I can't do _that_." Natasha smiled wickedly. "It would upset all the people that ship you and Coulson."

"I'm not _with_ Phil." Clint muttered. "Nor have I _ever_ been."

"I never said that." Natasha threw her hands in the air mock-defensively.

"Clint! Natasha!" Maria called from the front of the group. "Hurry up and stop bickering."

The group stopped at the Partners statue and everyone took out their phones. "Did anyone bring a Sefie Stick?" Natasha asked. Tony pulled one out of his small backpack. "Of course the narcissist would have one." She muttered under her breath.

"You know, I just thought about something." Bruce said as the Avengers gathered to take a few group selfies by the Partners statue. "Why aren't Wanda and Pietro here?"

"Because they're not." Maria replied.

"Yeah, but why?"

"Because people don't want to read about them." Maria said. "They'd rather read about you main Avengers and Sam and Bucky are just lucky that the author likes them enough to write them in." She snapped. "That and in the comics they both become Captain Americas."

"What?!" Steve, Sam and Bucky shouted. * _Snap_ *. Tony had just taken a picture.

"Forget I said anything." Maria said and Tony kept his Selfie Stick. "Where to now?" She asked as she turned around to take in the view of the Cinderella Castle. For a brief moment, she forgot she was with eight annoying and overbearing superheroes. But the universe didn't let her forget for long.

"Frontierland!" Steve shouted.

"Tomorrowland!" Tony shouted.

"Frontierland!"

"Tomorrowland."

"Frontierland!"

"Tomorrowland!"

"Frontierland!" Steve shouted aggressively.

"Tomorrowland!" Tony shouted back, just as aggressively. Maria turned around to see the Avengers had taken sides again. Steve, Sam and Bucky against Tony, Thor and Bruce.

"Civil War! Civil War!" Sam, Thor, Bruce and Bucky chanted. Steve raised his fist to hit Tony.

"NO!" Maria shouted, attracting unwanted stares from tourists. "This is Disney World and you will act like the grown men your biology seems to think you are." She hissed. "We're going to Fantasyland." Maria walked off towards Frontierland, but made a turn onto a path past the castle. The Avengers followed. They ended up behind the castle and by a water fountain and carried on walking for a few yards.

"What is that?" Thor pointed at the carousel which had just caught his eye.

"That's the carousel, Thor." Maria said. "You get on the plastic horses and they bob up and down while going around and around in a circle. That's it, nothing special." She shrugged.

"May we ride these bobbing and circling horses?" Thor asked.

"I guess..." Maria shrugged again and the Avengers all headed towards Prince Charming's Regal Carousel.

* * *

They all got on the ride with no problems. Sure Thor was looked at for his funny dress sense and Bucky also got stared at for his high tech prosthetic arm and of course Tony Stark was stared at for being simply Tony Stark. But mostly, the queuing up happened without issue. They chose to sit away from each other-except for Clint and Natasha and Steve and Bucky. This was actually a very familiar ride to Steve and Bucky. It was nice for them to do something they knew in a place so foreign to them.

Clint and Natasha weren't too happy. Well, Clint was actually pretty happy. Natasha wasn't. It's not that she hated it either, she was just embarrassed.

Maria was sat down on a horse away from the Avengers-as far away as possible. She was just starting to enjoy the ride when she saw Phil Coulson walking towards the Disney Princess Fairytale Hall on one of the revolutions of the carousel. Her heart sank in her chest and she prayed that the others didn't see him.

However, Phil spotted Clint and Natasha waving at him. His blood ran cold as he hoped that the others didn't recognize him.

  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanna say thank you to those who have left Kudos on this story and actually like it. It means a lot to me that people are finding my insomniac writings funny and exciting.  
> So... Will the others recognize Coulson? Well... There's quite a lot of the story left. We're still on day 1 of 14. I have a plan for next chapter and it includes torture, breadsticks and Rapunzel. Stick around.  
> And if you're wondering where 'Cheese' came from for Coulson, that's what Nick Fury Jr calls him in the Secret Avengers comics, like a nickname.


	6. A Whole New World

Phil rushed his kids into the Fairytale Princess hall as quickly as he could-which was pretty quickly because although his daughter was small and had little legs, when it came to the Disney Princesses, she could move like Usain Bolt.

Meanwhile, the Avengers and Maria had just come off Prince Charming's Regal Carousel.

"Did you like it, Thor?" Steve asked.

"It was confusing." Thor nodded. "I can't understand how you Midgardians perceive such an attraction to be 'fun'."

"What do you mean?" Bucky asked, cocking his head.

"It is simply that you strap yourselves down on a plastic horse and remain stationary, yet bob up and down and continue to move in a circle." Thor shrugged. "It is both confusing and yet boring at the same time." Tony snorted, prompting everyone to look at him.

"Something you wanna share, Tony?" Maria asked.

"Why don't you take him on the teacup ride?" Tony suggested.

"Or Winnie the Pooh?" Sam shrugged.

"Where _is_ the Winnie the Pooh ride?" Maria asked.

"Right there." Sam casually pointed over to the Winnie the Pooh ride.

"Alright. Clint, Natasha, what times are our FastPasses for..."

"Space Mountain is first and that's in like... 40 minutes." Clint interrupted.

"Do you think we have time to do Winnie the Pooh...?" Maria trailed off.

"Maria, speak up, I'm Deaf."

"I said 'do you think we have time to do Winnie the Pooh' or should we try to do a ride that's already in Tomorrowland?" Maria repeated, louder for Clint.

"See, I _told_ you we should've gone to Tomorrowland first." Tony folded his arms smugly. "Though why didn't the assassin twins take any sides?"

"Because unlike you six, we're _not_ children." Natasha said.

"Hey, you're in Disney World too..." Tony began.

"No, I meant the fighting with each other." Natasha said. "We didn't take sides because we're not children."

"EXCUSE ME?!" Tony shouted indignantly. "So now I got Spider Woman lecturing _me_ about maturity?!"

"To be fair, Tony, you _do_ drink and party a lot." Clint shrugged.

"Spider Woman and Legolas!" Tony threw his arms into the air. "This is un-fucking-believable, y'know that?!"

"C'mon Tony. _Let it go_! _Let it go_!" Bruce sang.

"No way." Tony growled. "I'm good at what I do."

"And what's that?" Steve asked. "Getting wasted all the time?"

"And you're one to talk. You're probably in AA the way you're so sober all the time."

"Actually, Tony, I can't get drunk. Surprised Howard didn't tell you that actually." Steve smirked. "Oh wait, that's right. He loved me more." Tony lunged at Steve and punched him again. Thor pulled Tony off Steve while Bucky restrained Steve from retaliation.

"Tony, no!" Maria hissed. "I feel like I'm scolding a dog here but, bad billionaire!"

"What did I do?" Tony asked.

"I think the better question is what _didn't_ you do." Maria rolled her eyes. Before today, she never realized how hard Phil had it initially. And why Fury had cackled wickedly when he saw them all off on the plane. The Avengers really _were_ a bunch of children. Natasha and Clint, in their late 30s, should've known better. But then should Tony and Bruce in their early 40s. And Sam in his early 30's? Maria made a mental note to ask Sam actually how old he is. But Bucky and Steve _absolutely_ should know better because technically, they're in their 90s. And Thor who is like a million year old god. Whatever differences they had should be resolved diplomatically. But no. They had to take their problems out on each other using their fists. If they kept it up, they'd totally be thrown in Disney Jail and she wasn't about to let that happen to the Avengers of all heroes.

"So what?" Tony said arrogantly with a shrug of his shoulder.

"So... You're gonna get thrown in Disney Jail."

"That's _not_ a thing, Maria." Tony waved Maria off.

"No. It is." Maria said casually. "I remember Sitwell telling me one time, he and Phil were assigned to Disneyland that they had to free another agent from Disney Jail."

"Sitwell?" Tony asked thoughtfully. "The Hydra guy?"

"Yes, the Hydra guy." Maria sighed.

"Was the agent they freed Hydra as well?"

"No. She's SHIELD. In fact, I believe our own Clint Barton knows her."

"Uh... Tasha?" Clint asked, pointing to Natasha, next to him.

"No." Maria shook her head. "Bobbi Morse." Clint's eyes widened.

"Mockingbird." He whispered softly. Maria nodded.

"So... What?" Tony shook his head and shrugged. "Disney Jail _really_ exists?"

Maria nodded. "Yup. And if you punch anyone-same goes for everyone else-you _will_ end up there and not even _my_ SHIELD pull will be able to get you out." She warned. "We're gonna have to go direct to the big, big cheese himself-Nick Fury. And I _guarantee_ you he won't be happy." She turned to Clint. "How long until the FastPass now?"

"Uh... 30 minutes-half an hour." He confirmed.

"We're going to Tomorrowland now, unless anyone has a problem with it?" Everyone shook their heads. "No? Good." She said and walked towards Tomorrowland. Everyone followed her hurriedly.

* * *

Phil Coulson considered himself to be a patient man. After all, he _had_ worked with the Avengers, he _had_ rebuilt SHIELD, he _had_ died and now he was raising kids-one of which was disabled. So if anyone had told him-before today-that he would lose his sanity in line to meet a Disney Princess, he probably would have laughed in their faces. But no more. Because he was _seriously_ close to having a nervous breakdown in Disney World.

Phil wasn't sure if it was the heat, the screaming children, his _own_ children, being afraid that Tony, Bruce, Thor or Captain America would see him, that Loki was following them and would skewer him again or the fact that the lines were so damn long, but if something happened between now and his kids meeting Cinderella, he was going to go crazy. Not a little bit angry, rather full on insane with Melinda May gaining custody of his two kids. And Lola.

Phil shuddered at the thought. Even _if_ May was the only person he truly trusted at SHIELD, he _still_ didn't want her touching his precious car. What if she drove it? _And crashed it_? There's no way he could live with that. He'd _never_ recover from his psychosis then.

Phil whipped his phone out of his pocket and called the first number on his speed dial.

"May, it's Coulson." He said in a slightly panicked voice.

" _Phil? What's wrong_?" Melinda asked down the phone. Phil sighed with relief. " _Are you experiencing more effects from the GH formula_?" She sounded concerned.

"If being paranoid that someone's touching my Lola is an effect, then yes." Melinda chuckled down the phone.

" _Phil, **nobody's** touching your car._ " She said. " _And by extension, driving it._ "

"I believe you, Melinda." Phil smiled innocently, not quite believing his oldest friend.

" _Enjoying Disney World?_ "

"Not particularly."

" _What's wrong?_ "

"Kids." Phil whined. "So many of them. And they're all screaming about something or other." He heard laughter down the other side of the phone.

" _Phil, it's Disney World! There's **going** to be kids there_!" Melinda continued to laugh. " _Pass me on to **your** kids._ " She said, slightly calmer.

Phil knelt down to his children. "Kids, your Aunt Melinda wants to talk to you." He said, handing his cell phone to Max.

"Hi Auntie Melinda!" The kids squealed.

Phil smiled as his kids told his oldest friend-next to Nick Fury-how they were enjoying Disney World, that they were looking forward to meeting Cinderella and that they were already in the line. When they were called into the next line, Phil took his phone back off the kids.

"Melinda, we're next in line to meet Cinderella and Rapunzel, I'll call you back later." He said before he hung up. And he hung up right as his family were called to meet Cinderella. Dana ran over to the princess as quickly as she could and Cinderella knelt down to hug her.

"Hello, Princess." She said. "What's your name?"

"My name is Dana Elizabeth Coulson." Dana said with a big grin plastered on her face.

"Dana is a very pretty name." Cinderella stood up. "Is this your grandfather? What a wonderful man he is to be taking his grandchildren to see me and my friend Rapunzel today."

"Actually, I'm their father." Phil corrected. "Do I _really_ look that old?" He muttered to himself.

"I'm sorry, Sir." Cinderella's face was practically glowing bright red with embarrassment. "I meant no disrespect."

"It's all fine, Cinderellie." He smiled.

"That's funny." Cinderella smiled, trying to get over her momentary embarrassment. "That's exactly what Jaq, Perla and Gus call me." Cinderella carefully walked over to Phil and his son. "And who do we have here?" She asked, crouching to Max's eye level.

"This is my son Max." Phil said after hearing Max whimper out of nervousness.

"Are you a fan of Black Widow?" Cinderella asked, noticing Max's Black Widow Avengers t-shirt.

Max nodded. "My Daddy _knows_ Black Widow. She's a real nice lady." Max said quietly.

"Does he now?" Cinderella asked.

"How do _you_ know about the Avengers?" Dana asked accusingly.

"Who _hasn't_ heard of the Avengers?" Cinderella countered. "I like people who help other people, just like I like to help people."

Dana nodded. "And the Avengers help people."

"Indeed they do." Cinderella smiled. "Now would you like to take a portrait with me?" She said to Phil.

"No, no I'm good thanks." He smiled.

"Then would Max?" Max furiously shook his head and whimpered nervously again.

"He's nervous at the moment, but of course he will." Phil pushed his son's wheelchair over to Cinderella.

"Daddy, no." Max said softly and grabbed onto Phil's t-shirt.

"Do you want me to stay for the picture?" Phil asked. Max nodded and Phil turned to Cinderella. "Looks like I'm going to be in the photo after all." He said.

* * *

Maria frantically ran over to the Lunching Pad in Tomorrowland with Thor. Somehow she-and the rest of the Avengers-had managed to lose-misplace-Bucky. She saw a Cast Member sweeping up rubbish around the tables and decided to approach him.

"Excuse me, I've lost a member of my party. He's got long brown hair-it either may or may not be tied back-he's around...6 foot 1 or 6 foot 2. He's wearing a green t-shirt, beige shorts and a uh... High tech, cybernetic, prosthetic left arm. It's silver. But it has a... Red star on it. Like the Soviets. Because it was made by the Soviets..." Maria trailed off, knowing she had revealed too much. The Cast Member simply looked at Maria and Thor. with his mouth open in shock. "Not seen him? That's fine. Thank you." She said before rushing off with the stunned-to-silence Asgardian to find another Cast Member to ask the exact same thing.

Tony, on the other hand, was with Bruce and they were trying a different method of finding him. They were trying to hack into his cell phone, to the _Find My Phone_ feature. Natasha and Clint were also trying to hack into Bucky's cell phone, but instead of the _Find My Phone_ , they were trying to find the tracker they planted in it. So far, they were having no such luck. Maybe because Bucky was brainwashed by Hydra, he knew what he was looking for and took out the bugs.

Meanwhile, Sam and Steve were going around Cast Members and random Disney World guests, showing Bucky's (recent) picture and asking them if they had seen him. Some had, some hadn't. A lead that Bucky was near the Carousel of Progress seemed promising until they saw that Bucky wasn't there. What they _hadn't_ thought of, was that Bucky had gone on Carousel of Progress without them. Which is _exactly_ what Bucky had done.

Maria and Thor caught up to Natasha and Clint, who were sitting on a wall by Space Mountain-the mutually agreed upon meet up spot for the whole group.

"Any luck?" Maria asked.

"No luck." Natasha shook her head. "He must have noticed that his cell phone was bugged after his Hydra training."

"Or he's in a dead spot." Clint said, somewhat more optimistically and quite out of character. Steve and Sam shuffled towards the SHIELD agents and the Norse god.

"No luck I see, guys." Maria sighed.

"Well, it's only a matter of time before we _do_ find him. How hard can it be to find Winter Soldier?" Clint shrugged. Steve, Sam, Maria and Natasha briefly stared blankly at Clint and then burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" Clint demanded.

"You, buddy!" Sam, still struggling with his laughter, put his hand on Clint's shoulder. "How hard can it be...!" Sam burst into hysterical laughter again.

"I don't..." Clint shared a look of confusion with Thor while Maria pulled out her phone.

"Hey, Fury!" She said, stifling her laughter.

" _Having fun at Disney World, I hear?_ " Fury said to her, smugly down the phone.

"Can I put you on speakerphone so the rest of the guys can hear you?"

" _Yeah?_ "

"Alright." Maria said, tapping the speakerphone button. "Get a load of what Clint said." She held the phone to the rest of the group. "Alright, to put it into context, we lost- _misplaced_ -Bucky. As in he ah... Wandered off."

" _He WHAT_?!" Fury shouted. There was the sound of clattering items on Fury's line, almost as if he had thrown something across his office.

"Anyway, Clint said..." Maria began.

"He said 'how hard can it be to find the Winter Soldier'." Sam interrupted and said loudly. Fury snorted. That snort then quickly turned into full on hysterical laughter.

"What, so _Fury's_ laughing at me now?" Clint whined.

" _Indeed, I am_." Fury tried his hardest to control his laughter, to no avail. " _Thanks for giving me this laugh, Barton. God knows I needed it. And Hill, find Barnes_." Fury hung up, still laughing.

"Will someone tell me what's so funny?" Clint shouted indignantly.

"Hey, Tony, Bruce!" Sam shouted at the two approaching scientists. "Guess what Clint said!"

"Something about arrows?" Tony shrugged.

"No, he said 'how hard can it be to find the Winter Soldier'." Steve said through his laughter. Tony started laughing hard, while Bruce looked confused.

"I don't get it." Bruce shrugged.

"Join the club." Clint said. "Which so far includes you, me and Thor. Maria even called up Fury, who gets the joke." He sighed. "I bet if Maria could call Coulson that _he_ would be laughing at me, too."

"You _clearly_ haven't spent _any_ length of time looking for Bucky at _any_ point in your life, _ever_." Tony said to the hurt looking master assassin.

"What? And you have?"

"Uh... Yeah." Tony said. "My father knew him and spent time looking for him. Then he and Mom died in that car accident so..."

"You took up the slack." Clint said.

"Yeah, but only for a few months or so before I turned 21." Tony shrugged. "Then I inherited a multi-billion dollar company and had to run it."

"Why did Howard wanna look for Bucky?" Steve asked.

"Because of his massive man-crush on you and the fact that neither yours or Bucky's bodies had ever been found." Tony shrugged. "Y'know. Because both of you you'd never actually died."

"Was he still looking for _me_ , too?"

"Up until his death." Tony sighed. "My dad's friend Peggy helped a lot, of course, when they weren't busy founding SHIELD."

"Peggy?" Steve asked. "Peggy _Carter_?"

"Of course." Tony looked taken aback. "I don't know any other Peggys."

"Peggy _Carter_?" A voice said from behind.

"Of _course_ , I just said it _was_ , Spangles." Tony felt something cold wrap around his arm and yelped in surprise. It was Bucky. He'd found them. But the group was pretty easy to find when you faced them coming out of the attraction you had sneaked on. Steve burst into hysterical laughter once again. "Jesus Christ, Bucky!" Tony shouted. "Don't do that again!"

"Tony, watch your language."

"Uh, I don't believe in God... Or any deity really. So I didn't actually swear." Tony narrowed his eyes at Steve.

"But I am a God." Thor said, sadly. "I am the God of Thunder."

"No, you're not." Tony said. "You're some sort of alien from another dimension that you call 'Asgard', whatever." He made quotation marks in the air as he spoke in a mocking tone to Thor. Thor raised his fist, ready to hit Tony.

"NO!" Maria shouted before the situation could escalate. "No arguing! _Especially_ over politics and _religion_!" She turned to Bucky. "Where the hell were _you_?" She snapped.

"Uh... I got caught up in a crowd and ended up on the Progress Carousel of something?"

"Carousel of Progress." Clint corrected.

"Yeah. That."

"How was it?" Tony asked.

"It was... Enlightening, I guess." Bucky shrugged. "But the last show confused me. We live in two-thousand-something and we _still_ don't have virtual reality or stoves that respond to you."

" _I_ do." Tony smirked.

"No you don't." Clint said. "You have JARVIS."

"Same thing, Bird Brain."

"Ignore him, Buck." Steve rolled his eyes.

"We're going to go on Carousel of Progress after we go on Space Mountain." Maria said with a look on her face that said 'this is non-negotiable'. "Clint?"

"FastPasses are open now, Maria."

"Good." Maria said. "We're going on _now_." The Avengers, fearing Maria's wrath, sheepishly followed her into the attraction entrance.

* * *

The photos were taken, they'd bid their goodbyes to Cinderella, so it was now time for the Coulsons to meet Rapunzel. Dana ran to Rapunzel and hugged her before she could crouch down to the 4 year old.

"Well, hello. What's your name?" A startled Rapunzel asked.

"Dana Elizabeth Coulson." Dana mumbled.

"Dana." Rapunzel repeated. "That's a very nice name. Eugene doesn't seem to think so though." She turned to Phil and Max. "And what's your name?" She asked Max, who blushed and shook his head ferociously.

"His name's Max." Phil said, smiling to the Disney Princess. "He's just shy. Very shy." He stroked his son's head, which seemed to calm the little boy down considerably. "He thought he could handle meeting you and your princess friend, Rapunzel, but I guess he's still really shy."

"How cute!" Rapunzel crouched down to Max. "Are you enjoying your day so far?" Max nodded. "Did you eat lots of food or go on any rides?" Max nodded. "Which was it?"

"Rides." He said softly.

"And what about you, Dana, did _you_ go on any rides?"

"Yeah!" Dana squealed in such a high pitch that made Phil wish he was Hawkeye.

"Which one was your favorite?"

"Um... Winnie the Pooh!" Dana said after thinking. Rapunzel turned to Max.

"And what about you?" Max shook his head and grabbed Phil's arm.

"He's still really shy." Phil said. "Sorry."

"Don't be sorry." Rapunzel said as she stood up. "You're obviously a wonderful and caring grandfather..."

"Excuse me?" Phil asked-a bit too loudly and startled the princess and the PhotoPass photographers.

"Did I..."

"I'm their _father_!" Rapunzel blushed, like Cinderella earlier.

"I-I'm so sorry." She blushed. "Well, how about we take a picture!" She led the Coulsons to her photo spot and posed, putting one hand on Dana's shoulder and the other around Phil's shoulders.

* * *

"Did you like Space Mountain, Thor?" Tony asked as the Avengers browsed the gift shop.

"It was better than riding the rotating plastic horses." Thor mumbled. "This Space Mountain was indeed a violent ride. The safety bar oft hurt my thighs and what you would call genitals..." He handed over a Mickey Mouse shaped _Rice Krispie_ treat to Maria.

"TMI, Thor." Clint said, picking up a fridge magnet.

"TMI?"

"Too Much Information." Natasha explained.

"When is the next FastPass available, Clint?" Maria asked. Clint pulled out his phone to check the My Disney Experience app, while Maria paid for Thor's _Rice Krispie_ treat.

"In an hour and a half, Maria."

"Carousel of Progress?"

"I think it's a cruel and unusual punishment to heap onto poor Bucky, who only came off it like 20 minutes ago." Tony said, putting his arm around the confused looking super soldier as they all exited the gift shop. "No, I propose we go back to Fantasyland."

"That _would_ be easier, since the next FastPass is for Splash Mountain." Natasha said thoughtfully.

"What are we going to _do_ in Fantasyland?"

"Food." Everyone but Maria said in unison.

"We're gonna get some food." Tony said.

* * *

Phil's daughter demanded to go meet Anna and Elsa next, so Phil once again found himself in a queue to meet Disney Princesses. He loved his daughter, of course he did, it's just that the highly trained SHIELD agent in him didn't _quite_ know what to make of the Disney Princess overload. Two and a half years ago, there _were_ no princesses in his life. There was no _Lego_ strewn about the floor to painfully stand on barefoot. No _Daniel Tiger_ or Elmo. He only had the one car to run-Lola. He could spend all his time at the Playground or on the helicarrier. But Phil's life was a lot more empty.

Sure, he had child figures in Clint, Natasha and Skye. But he never had any children of his own. It took being dead for several days and then being excruciatingly painfully brought back from death-and decomposition, but Phil and everyone else liked to forget that bit-to realize what he'd been missing out on.

And then Phil was brought back down to earth with a crash as he realized that he was hating every single second that he was waiting in line for. Next time he needed a vacation, he was leaving his kids with Eddie and Cassie and flying straight to London. Or Madripoor. Toronto? Wakanda? Paris? Cardiff? Oklahoma City? Anywhere would do. As long as it didn't involve queuing up for hours to see Disney Princesses.

* * *

"These are delectable! I want more!" Thor shouted with half a breadstick in his mouth. The Avengers were sitting in Pinocchio Village Haus, staring at Thor because everyone else had finished their food. Thor had several empty boxes which held breadsticks around him.

"No, Thor! You've had 15 boxes already!" Maria cried out. "You know you've eaten nearly a hundred dollars in breadsticks already?!"

"And?" Thor shrugged. "I want more."

"Well you're not getting more." Maria folded her arms, angrily. Thor growled. "We're going on Small World right now." She said, standing up. The rest of the Avengers followed suit.

"Why am I not allowed more food, Lady Maria?"

"You _can_ have food." Maria said as Thor stood up. "Just not right now. Later."

"May I have these sticks of bread?" Thor asked.

"Maybe. It depends on what's on the menu."

"Alright." Thor reluctantly agreed and Maria led the Avengers out of the restaurant and next door to the It's a Small World attraction.

"It's not _all_ bad, Thor." Clint shrugged.

"He's lying. It is." Natasha said. Thor looked puzzled as a Cast Member approached the group.

"How many in your party?" She asked.

"Nine." Maria answered.

"Alright, four in row one and five in row two." As they walked down to the gate, the Cast Member approached Tony. "You're Tony Stark, aren't you?"

"Indeed I am, thank you for noticing."

"Iron Man?"

"Yes. I am Iron Man." Tony said as he put his arm around Steve. "And this is my good friend, Captain America." The Cast Member pulled out her phone and took a photo.

"That is _so_ going on _Instagram_!" She said excitedly as she walked off to greet the next family. Steve pushed Tony's arm from his shoulder.

"We're _not_ friends, Tony." He said firmly.

"He's just confused." Tony nodded. "70 years on ice will do that to you."

"Go to hell, Stark." Steve hissed.

"I _knew_ it was a terrible idea, you two sitting near each other." Maria growled. "Here's the _new_ seating plan-Natasha, Clint, Bruce and Tony in row one and myself, Thor, Steve, Bucky and Sam in row two. Now everyone swap." Clint and Natasha shuffled to the first row as Steve and Bucky shuffled to the second row right as their boat arrived.

"This music is already making me wanna blow my brains out." Sam muttered.

"Oh yeah?" Tony asked, turning around to face the former soldier. "Where did your winged backpack come from in Captain America The Winter Soldier?"

"Uh... The army."

"And you were allowed to borrow or bring home such a sophisticated piece of equipment?" Sam looked down sheepishly.

"Yep. Bit of a plot hole there." Tony turned back around and folded his arms behind his head.

"I stole it, Stark." Sam said.

"You don't deserve to be a friend of Goody Goody Capsicle..." Tony began.

"Shut up, Stark." Maria spat in Tony's ear.

The boat moved through scenes of Europe as the music played.

_It's a world of laughter and a world of tears_

_It's a world of hopes and a world of fears_

_There's so much that we share_

_That is time we're aware_

_It's a small world after all_

Thor looked on with a look of amazement plastered on his face, whereas Tony's read 'kill me now'. Clint looked unnaturally relaxed, so Natasha tapped his arm to get his attention. Her lips were moving, but Clint could hardly hear anything. His smile just got wider.

"I can't hear you, Tasha!" Clint said, hoping he wasn't shouting (he was). "I turned my hearing aids off ages ago, so I wouldn't have to listen to that song!"

 _It's working then_? Natasha signed back.

"Oh yeah!" Clint nodded.

_It's a small world after all_

_It's a small world after all_

_It's a small world after all_

_It's a small, small world_

The song kept going as the boat entered scenes of Asia with flying carpets, box kites and pandas. Steve and Bucky both looked on with expressions of confusion. The ride itself was simple enough to understand-kids from around the world singing a song of unification. The Avengers themselves, weren't exactly perfect, Caucasian all-Americans. Bucky and Natasha were from Russia-well, Bucky was originally American-and Thor was from Asgard, a different realm entirely than Earth while Carol was half Kree. Then there was Black Panther and he was from Wakanda, the Sokovian Maximoffs, Sam, Rhodey and Fury were all African American. And of course, The Vision, who was-essentially-a genderless and raceless robot.

They perfectly understood the concept. What they _didn't_ understand however, was the appeal. They looked around realizing that Tony was right. This ride _is_ crappy.

_There is just one moon_

_And one golden sun_

_And a smile means friendship to everyone_

_Though the mountains divide_

_And the oceans are wide_

The boat carried on floating along into African scenes, mostly populated by animals. Clint carried on smiling contently and unable/unwilling to hear the song, while the rest of his Avengers team were forced to hear it.

"Never have I _ever_ felt so jealous of Barton." Tony whispered to Bruce.

"I know what you mean." Bruce whispered. "I can feel myself just getting madder with every word these godforsaken dolls are singing."

"Whoa! You're not gonna Hulk out on us are you?"

"God no!" Bruce whispered loudly. "When I said 'mad', I didn't mean 'angry', I meant 'mad' as in 'insane'." He explained. "You know, bonkers. Mental. Crazy."

"Yeah, that's what I hoped you meant." Bruce rolled his eyes. "Because I feel the same way."

"Of _course_ you did." Bruce said after a short pause. "We _are_ science bros after all."

_It's a small world after all_

_It's a small world after all_

_It's a small world after all_

_It's a small, small world_

The boat drifted into scenes of both Antarctica and Latin America. Sam groaned to himself. After a short pause, he nudged Steve.

"What?" Steve asked.

"Is this getting on your nerves too?" Sam whined.

"Bucky and I just can't seem to work out the appeal of the ride." Steve admitted. "That's bugging me. The ride, not so much."

"I hate this. I want off." Sam snapped.

"At this point, so do I." Bucky groaned. "It's been 5 minutes or more. I hate it-the song just goes over and over on a frigging loop-but in different languages."

"Damn it, calm down, Buck." Steve whispered as he put his hand on Bucky's real hand.

"Sorry, Steve, Sam." Bucky looked down sheepishly. "I just don't know how much more of this song I can take. This is actually _worse_ than the Hydra torture."

"I don't know about that..." Steve said.

"You weren't there."

"Not my fault."

"I know." Bucky said. "But I'm pretty sure this _godawful_ ride is Hydra's."

_It's a world of laughter and a world of tears_

_It's a world of hopes and a world of fears_

_There's so much that we share_

_That is time we're aware_

_It's a small world after all_

The Avengers' boat floated through the rainforest and came out the side of the Polynesian islands. Natasha tapped Clint's arm again.

 _I think I'm going to drown myself in this water_. She signed. _You want in_?

Clint beamed. _I'd rather the last thing I hear not be this song_. He signed back.

 _What are you talking about_? Natasha signed, with a look of confusion. _You can't hear anything_.

 _No, but I could always turn my hearing aids back on and listen to the song_.

 _Not that you'd want to_. Natasha rolled her eyes.

 _Yeah, I wouldn't_.

 _Only you, Clint Barton, only you_. Natasha smiled.

 _Well at least I don't have to listen to that garbage song_. Clint signed smugly. _You do_.

 _Touché, Barton_. Natasha signed.

_It's a small world after all_

_It's a small world after all_

_It's a small world after all_

_It's a small, small world_

After what felt like a lifetime, finally the boat drifted into the final scene. One thing the Avengers all noticed was how white the scene was. Everything was white. Very white.

"I can't help but feel this is a little racist." Sam frowned.

"At least none of them are dressed like the KKK." Steve offered.

"Yeah, but it's all still really, very white." Sam said. "There's _little to no_ diversity here... And everything's all white."

"I hate to admit it, but Birdy here, well he has a point." Tony said.

"Stark, have you been listening in on our conversation?"

"Uh... Yes."

"Go to hell." Steve said. "I mean it. As a God fearing Christian, I-Steven Rogers... Or Captain America, whichever you prefer-am telling you-Anthony Stark-to go the fuck to hell."

"And I appreciate the offer, but that's gonna be pretty difficult for me, y'know? Since I'm an atheist and all."

"What did I say about religion?" Maria hissed angrily.

"Sorry, Maria." Steve and Tony said.

"I know you two aren't exactly keen on each other. That's why SHIELD mandated this retreat."

"I thought it was because none of us were getting on?" Bruce asked.

"Yeah, that's why." Maria said. "And Cap and Tony come under the 'none of you' label." Bruce shrugged and turned around. Clint still looked content, while Natasha looked close to pulling her hair out.

"You know, you have to admit that Sam has a point about this scene seeming racist." Natasha said, after a pause. "It's creepily uniformly white."

"Thank you!" Sam exclaimed.

"Well, Walt Disney was a well known Nazi." Tony shrugged.

"No he wasn't!" Steve argued. "You didn't see _half_ the anti-Nazi propaganda from the 40s that Buck and I saw that Disney put out."

"Yeah, there was one about Donald Duck dreaming he was a Nazi, but relieved when he woke up." Bucky explained. "I think he signed up for the US army or something after."*

"And there was another one about a young nazi growing up..." Steve muttered. **

"Alright, geez!" Tony grunted. "I was only joking."

"You don't joke about Nazis and Hydra, Tony." Maria said coolly. "That's why we don't have a helicarrier any more." She narrowed her eyes. "Or a Phil Coulson."

"I thought Loki killed him." Tony said.

"Indeed." Thor agreed. "I witnessed my brother pierce through the chest of Son of Coul with his scepter with my own eyes. There is no doubt in my mind that Loki killed our dear friend."

"Yeah, Loki skewered him, but Hydra destroyed all of our Life Model Decoys." Maria lied. "Meaning if there was a way of saving Agent Coulson, Hydra ensured we couldn't get him back."

_It's a small world after all_

_It's a small world after all_

_It's a small world after all_

_It's a small, small world_

Finally the boat passed through the Goodbye Room and all the Avengers tried to read all the signs for 'goodbye' in other languages, taking their minds off Hydra and the not-so dearly departed Phil Coulson.

After the Avengers all got out of their boat, they ran up the ramp and away from the ride as fast as they could, leaving Maria to run after them all.

"Where do we go now?" Sam asked.

"We could meet a character." Natasha suggested as Clint fiddled with the devices tucked behind his ears.

"Mickey Mouse would be the obvious choice." Clint said. "But I don't know where we meet him.

"I don't care where we go or what we do next." Steve admitted. "I'm just glad to be off that... Whatever that was."

"Yeah." Bucky nodded. "If I could make the Hydra agents who tortured me ride that repeatedly, I would. About ten times would equal what they did to me."

"Okay..." Tony said, feeling uneasy with the change in conversation. "So... First character we see?" Everyone mumbled in agreement and walked-quickly-away from It's a Small World. None of them wanted to be back on it in a hurry. Except perhaps Thor, who seemed to actually and genuinely enjoy it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: read on helplessly as the Avengers cut their afternoon short at the Magic Kingdom to visit the hospital. Yes, one of them gets injured. Any guesses who? Hint: it's obviously not gonna be Thor or Banner.  
> Another big thank you to everyone who has read, and liked this story. It's really nice to know that my late night side project is actually liked by people. Please continue to enjoy it. I hope you do.  
> * Der Fuehrer's Face  
> **Education For Death-The Making of the Nazi


	7. Maria's Story

Nick Fury was slumped over his desk with his head in his hand, looking over Hydra base schematics on his _iPad_. When his SHIELD phone started ringing, he didn't waste one second answering it.

"Fury." He said

" _Hey Nick, it's Maria here, just calling to check in_."

"You found Barnes, I take it." Fury began drumming his fingers on his desk.

" _I did_." Maria said happily. " _How'd the thing in Jersey City go?_ "

"We'll, T'Challa and the SHIELD team got there, but a teenager taking Carol Danvers' old name of Ms Marvel got there first." Fury grunted. "The situation _was_ neutralized and MODOK is now in SHIELD custody."

" _Alright, good to know._ " Maria said.

"Hill?" Fury asked, narrowing his eye. "You're sounding strained. Tell me what's wrong." He demanded.

" _I'm in hospital now, sir._ " Maria said sheepishly. " _One of the Avengers got hurt. Bad enough for hospital treatment._ "

"What happened?!" Fury barked.

" _Let me start at the beginning_..." Maria trailed off.

* * *

The Avengers were walking through Liberty Square, when something caught Steve's eye.

"Ooh!" He cried out. "Hall of Presidents! That sounds fun!"

"No, that sounds _dull._ " Tony countered. "Country Bear Jamboree sounds _fun_."

"We're going to Splash Mountain, guys." Clint said determinedly.

"I thought we were looking for a character to take a picture with?" Sam frowned.

"We are, but the next ride we do will be Splash Mountain." Clint explained.

"But neither Hall of Presidents or Country Bear Jamboree are rides, they're shows." Tony said.

"Yeah, but those shows take up a lot of time." Natasha said. "It's like 20 minutes for the show itself and however long queuing it is for the next show."

"I do not understand." Thor said. "What is it that you mean about these 'shows'?"

"Well, Thor..." Natasha rubbed the back of her neck. "The time you spend waiting for a show to start is the time it is between shows. For example, we might get at Hall of Presidents too late for the next show and have to hang about 20 minutes for the next show to start. Or we might get there 5 minutes before the next show starts and wait only 5 minutes."

"I understand now, thank you, Lady Natasha." Thor said with a smile.

"So we're _not_ going to see the Hall of Presidents?" A crestfallen Steve asked.

"No, we're not." Tony said. "We're going to see the Country Jamboree Bears."

"We're not going to see that either." Natasha said. "We're going so find a character to take a picture with."

"Why can't we see both shows and meet a character?" Bucky asked.

"Because we're pressed for time." Clint said, shoving his phone in Bucky's face. Bucky swatted Clint's arm away. "The FastPass opens in 20 minutes." The group walked past the Frontierland Trading Post and Tony pulled the park map from his pocket and opened it.

"It seems there is a character just behind here." Tony pointed under a bridge into Adventureland.

"Magic Carpets?" Steve asked, in awe. "Not even _SHIELD_ has those."

"That's because it's a ride." Tony rolled his eyes and led the Avengers into Adventureland. "Where is the character, Tony?" Maria asked as the Avengers were crowded outside Sunshine Tree Terrace.

"Uh... There." Natasha shrugged as she gestured to the meet and greet area for Aladdin and Princess Jasmine.

"Holy shit, that's convenient." Tony said and the Avengers walked over to the line to meet Aladdin and Princess Jasmine. Steve and Bucky exchanged uneasy looks.

"I don't know this 'Aladdin'." Steve said. "What movie is he from?"

"Aladdin." Tony replied...

* * *

"Alright, I don't need to know everything." Fury snapped. "Just skip that bit, Hill."

" _But the Aladdin meet is actually pretty important_." Hill said. " _It's all leading into the hospital visit_."

"Continue." Fury said abrasively.

* * *

The Avengers were next in line for Aladdin.

"Do you think they'll say anything about my arm?" Bucky asked, rubbing the metal arm self consciously. He quickly ripped his flesh hand away once the metal started to burn it.

"I don't think so, Bucky." Sam said. "They're actors. They don't get paid to comment on guests' prosthetic limbs."

"Even if they _are_ advanced and cybernetic." Tony adds.

"Good Aladdins and Jasmines are hard to come by, Bucky." Maria said. "I'm sure neither of them would say or do anything that would get them canned."

"Canned?" Bucky and Steve asked.

"Canned." Tony repeated. "You know, fired." The super soldiers both nodded in comprehension. Steve took his phone from his pocket and began fiddling with it. He continued to fiddle with it as the Avengers were all called forward, not paying any attention-one of the PhotoPass photographers had to turn Steve around to Aladdin so he didn't bump into them.

"Hey! Capsicle!" Tony shouted. "Wake up!

Steve looked up from his phone. "How do you send a text?" He asked.

"Oh. Here." Aladdin tapped the touch screen on Steve's phone and the text changed from 'draft' to 'sent'.

"Thanks...?" Steve looked at Aladdin in his rags.

"Aladdin." Aladdin smiled, offering Steve his hand.

"I'm Steve." Steve said, keeping his phone in his shorts pocket. "But people know me as Captain America."

"And I'm Tony Stark, Iron Man, genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist."

"Aladdin was talking to _me_!" Steve growled, pulling Tony to face him.

"And we're all here to see Aladdin!" Tony shouted.

"No yelling in front of the Princess!" Steve shouted back.

"Think you kinda already broke _that_ rule, Cap!" Tony narrowed his eyes. Steve narrowed his eyes in return.

"Cap! Tony! Stop it!" Maria shouted frantically. "People are recording this to go on _YouTube_!"

* * *

"Yeah, I see it." Fury groaned. He now had Maria on speakerphone as he browsed his computer. Currently, he was on _YouTube_ , where there _were_ indeed videos of Tony and Steve's spat in front of Aladdin and Princess Jasmine.

" _What do we do about it?_ "

" _We_ do nothing." Fury snarled. " _I_ do damage control and wipe these videos off _YouTube_ , the Internet _and_ the phones that took them."

" _How do you know..._?" Maria began.

"You can tell from the quality." Fury sighed. He had a lot of work ahead of him. "Carry on, Hill."

* * *

The Avengers walked away from their meet with Aladdin.

"What did you think, Cap?" Clint asked.

"Probably would've enjoyed it more had I known who Aladdin and Princess Jasmine were." Steve admitted. "Or if Tony hadn't got in my face about nothing really important."

"Yeah can you try not to go nuclear in front of the guests again?" Maria asked. "Or at all?" She added, rubbing the back of her neck.

"We're going to Splash Mountain now and try not to fight all the way there." Maria glared at Steve and Tony, who looked at the ground sheepishly.

* * *

"And did they?" Fury asked.

" _No. We stopped for an ice cream but they never fought_." Maria said. " _Sure they **glared** at each other, but they never actually said anything._ "

"So how did one of the Avengers end up in the hospital, then?" Fury snapped.

" _I'm getting to that, Fury_." Maria sighed. " _About halfway through the ride, they started fighting again. Only eight of us were allowed in the ride boat, so Sam chose to ride apart and didn't witness the fight_."

"Fight?" Fury asked.

" _It wasn't a fist fight, but it went something like this_."

* * *

"It's fine." Sam shrugged. "I'll sit in the other boat."

"Are you sure, Sam?" Maria asked.

"Yeah, sure." Sam smiled. "You need to look after these knuckleheads." Sam walked over to the next boat's row one.

"Alright!" Maria called out. "Here's how we're gonna order this." She inhaled deeply. "Tony and Bruce, row one. Steve and Bucky, row twp. Thor and me, row three. And Clint and Natasha, row four. Now get to your designated row." She said as the boats arrived and the safety gates opened.

"Eew." Steve exclaimed. "The seats are wet." He pointed to puddles on the seats.

"Let Bucky sit on the left, unless you want your right arm to be burned by his prosthetic." Maria sighed. Steve stood out the way for Bucky to sit down and Bucky did so hesitantly. "Bucky, this is Florida, your ass will dry quickly, plus you'll get wetter during the ride."

"I think there's a reason they call is Splash Mountain, Buck." Steve said nervously.

"Sit the fuck DOWN!" Maria loudly whispered in their ears. They sat down very quickly and pulled their lap bars down sheepishly.

* * *

"So what happened on Splash Mountain _exactly_ , Maria?" Fury asked impatiently.

" _Something where Clint, Natasha and I had to implement SHIELD Damage Control_." Maria said.

"That bad, huh?" Fury muttered, tapping his pen on his desk.

" _Oh... Very_." Maria said through gritted teeth.

* * *

"What is this, Maria?" Steve asked turning around.

"It's based on Song of the South."

"Why have we never heard of it?" Bucky asked, enamored with the animatronics.

"It's banned for being racist." Maria replied.

"Why make a ride of it, then?" Steve shrugged.

"This bit isn't racist" Bruce said.

"How is it racist?" Bucky asked, cocking his head.

"I don't know." Maria admitted. "It was banned before I was even born. I'm sure the answer's on the Internet somewhere."

"Ooh! I love the Internet!" Steve gushed. "Super helpful."

"Lady Hill, what is a 'Laughing Place'?" Thor asked. "Surely this isn't it? Because I am certainly not in any mood for laughter."

"It's just a place that makes you feel happy." Maria said, pinching the bridge of her nose desperately. "This is Br'er Rabbit's laughing place, not yours."

"Oh." Thor said thoughtfully. "So my 'laughing place' would be glorious battle?"

"Whatever you want, Thor."

_Everybody's got a laughing place_

_A laughing place to go-ho-ho_

_Take a frown, turn it upside down_

_And you'll find yours we know-ho-ho_

_Honey and rainbows on our way_

_We're laughing 'cause our work is play_

_Boy, are we in luck_

_We're visiting our laughing place_

_Yuk-yuk-yuk-yuk-yuk_

Thor began singing the song. As did Bucky, who grinned from ear to ear examining the animatronics.

"Yo, Spangles!" Tony calls. "Shut your brain damaged buddy up for us, will ya?" He asks as the Avengers' boat begins the climb before the big drop.

"You say 'brain damaged' like it's a bad thing, Tony." Steve growled. "Leave Bucky alone."

"Alright, I'll leave your pal alone." Tony rolled his eyes. "Doesn't mean he's not brain damaged though.

As the boat went over the big drop, some of the Avengers posed for the camera. Clint bunny eared Natasha, who lifted her black t-shirt to reveal a _Batman_ tank top, Bucky stared ahead like a deer in the headlights, Bruce ducked and covered his head with his hands, Thor simply waved while Maria held her face in her hands and Steve strangled Tony from behind.

* * *

"I'm so sorry." Fury said in monotone.

" _Yeah, damage control consisted of deleting any and all photos of Captain America strangling Tony Stark_." Maria sighed. There was a pained scream in the background.

"What was that?" Fury asked.

" _Nothing_." Maria said quickly. " _Absolutely nothing_."

"Maria..." Fury said warningly.

" _Fury, I **am** at a hospital. People are hurt, sick and/or dying_." Maria said matter of factly. " _It stands to reason that people would be in pain here_."

"Maria, I swear to God, if that's one of the Avengers..."

" _It isn't._ " It was. " _Don't worry about it_." She assured.

"So what happened then?"

" _Quite a bit, between then and the hospital_."

* * *

The Avengers were all wet after Splash Mountain and irritated after missing the first half of their designated Big Thunder Mountain FastPass. They missed it because the SHIELD agents had to get rid of all evidence of Steve trying to kill Tony. So they all went straight there.

"Steve, you _really_ strangled Tony?" Sam asked, not quite believing what had been told to him.

"Yeah." Natasha nodded. "I have the only copy of the photo left on this USB stick." She took a USB stick from her small purse.

"Cool! Can I see it?"

"Later."

"Guys!" Clint whined. "We have to go to Big Thunder Mountain, NOW!"

"Geez, would you shut up, Bird Brain!" Tony groaned. "It's just up these steps." Tony gestured to the steps ahead.

"Tony!" Natasha shouted. "I just spent the past 40 minutes-and so did Maria and Clint-cleaning up _your_ mess!"

" _My_ mess?" Tony asked incredulously. "Capsicle's the one who just tried to murder me!"

"Tony." Maria said warningly.

* * *

" _Amazingly, we managed to get on Big Thunder Mountain without a hitch_." Maria chuckled lightly. " _Tony waited out with Bruce, Clint sat with Natasha, Sam sat with Thor, Steve sat with Bucky and I sat alone. I thought the key was having the two apart from each other_."

"Let me guess, it wasn't?" Fury asked.

" _Nope_." Maria said, popping the 'p'.

"What did you mean by Tony waiting out with Bruce, exactly?" Fury asked.

* * *

"I'm sorry sir." The Cast Member said apologetically. "But in order to experience this attraction, you must be in good physical health and free from any heart, back or neck problems."

"But I am." Tony protested. The Cast Member pointed to Tony's arc reactor.

"Sorry, Mr. Stark, but that counts as a heart condition."

"Bu-But... I am Iron Man!" Tony said.

"I'm aware, Mr. Stark." The Cast Member said. "But this ride is very rough. It's also very bumpy and fast."

"I'm Iron Man!" Tony whined. "I've flown halfway across the world in a day, I've fought robot drones and crazed Gods... I've even entered a wormhole!" Tony said desperately, trying to prove his point.

"I'm sorry, sir." The Cast Member said. "Rules are rules. I _can't_ allow you to experience this attraction."

"Good." Maria said. "You can wait with Bruce." Tony huffed angrily and walked over to the ice cream stand just opposite the ride entrance.

* * *

"You're shitting me?!" Fury said. He was close to laughter.

" _No, sir. I am **not** kidding_."

"So how did they react to Bucky?"

" _I think because it's such a good arm, the Cast Member didn't realize it was actually a prosthetic_." Maria sighed.

* * *

The Avengers started walking through Frontierland. Clint was bouncing around excitedly, Natasha and Sam were smiling happily while Thor was laughing loudly. However, not everyone enjoyed the ride as Steve was whimpering and Bucky was just looking around cautiously. Tony was irritated that he never got a chance to ride.

"Where to now?" Sam asked.

"How about Pirates of the Caribbean?" Tony suggested. "Maybe I'll get on _that_ ride, even though they allowed me on Splash Mountain." He muttered bitterly.

"Fine. But no arguing." Maria said sternly. "From either you _or_ Steve."

"Fine." Tony growled. Steve simply narrowed his eyes and nodded. Maria led the Avengers into Adventureland.

* * *

In the queue for Pirates of the Caribbean, Clint inched himself over to Natasha. Natasha didn't say anything.

"How long now?" Bucky asked. "This lighting's giving me a headache."

"Sorry to say, Bucky, but the lighting's like this through the whole ride." Maria said.

"Still though, how long?" Bucky asked.

"Not long." Maria replied. "I can see the boarding place."

Everyone went silent. Clint used the ensuing silence to move himself closer to Natasha. The line moved forward and Clint used it as an opportunity to graze his shoulder with Natasha's. Natasha smiled to herself. The line moved forward again and a Cast Member approached the Avengers.

"How many in your party?"

"Nine." Maria replied.

"Okay, three in row three, three in row four and three in row five." The Cast Member said, directing them all to the rows.

"Steve, Sam and Bucky will sit in row five." Maria said. "Clint, Natasha and I will sit in row four and Bruce, Tony and Thor will sit in row three. No negotiations." She added.

* * *

On the ride, Thor whooped during the drop. Maria got uncomfortable when she noticed some inappropriate touching by Clint and Natasha. And Sam spent the entire time trying to convince Steve and Bucky that the pirates weren't real actual pirates. Oh and Thor also memorized the "Yo Ho Yo Ho" song for singing once off the attraction.

" _Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me_

_We extort and pilfer, we filch and we sack_

_Drink up me hearties, yo ho!_

_Maraud and embezzle and even hijack_

_Drink up me hearties, yo ho!_ " Thor sang joyously in the gift shop.

"Come on, man." Tony rolled his eyes.

"Leave him alone, I say." Steve said.

"He's annoying me and attracting everyone's attention." Tony growled.

"But he isn't hurting anyone." Steve narrowed his eyes challengingly.

"He's hurting people's eardrums." Tony walked over to Steve and folded his arms.

"No he's not." Steve hissed.

"Get me an _Advil_!" Tony shouted. "Thor's loud voice is giving me a headache!"

The next moments were a blur. Steve raised his fist to Tony, but Tony punched Steve first. Bruce stepped back nervously, while Clint grabbed one of Tony's arms and Natasha grabbed the other to stop Tony from hitting Steve again. Steve lunged for Tony and Bucky grabbed his waist. However, Steve broke free and Bucky grabbed his arm in a desperate attempt to hold him back. There was then a snapping noise and a bloodcurdling scream, causing everyone who was looking on, to look away fast.

* * *

"And you're telling me Coulson was there?" Fury asked with a wince.

" _Saw the whole thing with his kids_." Maria replied.

"Man... Those poor kids." Fury shook his head. "So what happened then?"

" _Well, despite his insistence that he was fine, we still decided to take him to the hospital. I mean, it was a pretty gruesome injury_."

"So you described to me, Hill." Fury snapped. "And in such perfect detail too."

" _Yeah, well_..." Maria sighed. " _I gotta go. He's been discharged_."

"Talk soon, Hill." Fury said, preparing to hang up the phone. "And enjoy the rest of your vacay."

" _Sir, you can't_..." Maria just heard the dial tone. She sighed frustratedly and pocketed her phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to make you wait to find out who it is. The next chapter will be Coulson-centric so you'll find out in the NEXT chapter who it is. Keep sending your predictions-either Tony or Steve. Also in the next chapter, find out who Steve could have possibly been texting. Was it Wanda? Pietro? T'Challa? Nick Fury? Someone else?  
> The Clintasha stuff kind of happened, but it's Valentine's Day, so no real problem there. Yeah, I do kind of ship Clintasha.  
> I dedicate this chapter to my Uncle Malcolm, who died suddenly as this chapter was being written back in February.


	8. Phil's Story

Fury slammed the phone down and grunted. He hurled his stapler across the room and a female agent practically ran in.

"Director Fury?" She asked.

"I'm fine, Agent." Fury snapped.

"No, I wanted to discuss something with you."

"Come in and sit down then." Fury said, offering the agent a seat. She sat down. "Now what is it you want, Sharon?"

"I wanted to inform you about these weird texts I've been receiving from Captain Rogers all day." Sharon said, pulling her phone carefully from her pocket.

"All day?" Fury asked, snatching Sharon's phone from her.

"Yes." Sharon replied in an annoyed tone of voice. "What's going on, Fury? Where is he?"

"Right now, he's at a hospital in Orlando."

"Orlando?" She asked. "Wait-what... HOSPITAL?!"

"All the Avengers are there, there was an accident." Fury muttered, looking through Sharon's texts. He found she was right, Steve _had_ been contacting her all day.

**Sharon? Who's Aladdin?**

**Sharon, what's a Splash Mountain?**

**Sharon, are roller coasters the same now like the war?**

**Sharon, I don't like this!**

**Sharon, pirates aren't still about are they?**

**Sahrrn I n hposptl rldno hlpe**

**Dskltd shdlr**

"His texts get messier as the day goes on." Fury noted. "I don't know _what_ the last ones are supposed to be."

"Is this something I need to be worried about, Fury?" Sharon asked as Fury handed her her phone back.

"Not at all." Fury smiled. "I've sent the Avengers all on vacation. To Disney World."

"Disney World?" Sharon asked. "But Steve..."

"Can handle it. He's a big boy." Fury picked up the phone. "He's in his 90s. Now go. I have a phone call to make." Sharon stood up and left Fury's office indignantly as Fury set his phone to speakerphone.

" _Hello_?" Came the voice on the other end.

"Coulson." Fury said. "I heard you witnessed something today in the line for the Pirates of the Caribbean ride."

" _Actually, sir, it was in the gift shop_." Phil explained.

"So you _did_ witness it then."

" _Indeed I did, sir._ "

"Tell me how your day went and end it with that incident." Fury ordered. "And think of it as one of those debriefings that you're so obsessed with."

" _Alright, sir." Phil agreed. "I took my kids to the Magic Kingdom. There we went up Main Street USA and I got them both Mickey Mouse ears and dolls each. I got Max a Donald Duck plush doll and Dana a Queen Elsa plush doll_."

"Who?"

" _From Frozen. Anyway, we went into Fantasyland and went on the Winnie the Pooh ride and saw the PhilharMagic show before meeting the princesses Cinderella and Rapunzel and Anna and Elsa. I **did** see the Avengers but they didn't see me." Phil explained. "Well, that's a lie. Barton and Romanoff saw me. But I'm not too worried about that. They see me all the time_."

"I'm not worried about that either." Fury said. "So what happened after that?"

Phil gave a small chuckle. " _Well, it's kind of a long story._.."

* * *

"Come on, guys." Phil said after he'd begrudgingly met with the Frozen princesses. "Dana, you already have an Elsa doll, I'm not getting you an Anna in the same day." Dana opened her mouth to speak. "Or a Hans, a Kristoff or an Olaf." She frowned and folded her arms. Phil smiled because it was cute. "Same goes for you, Max. I'm not getting you an Olaf."

"So where we going?" Dana asked.

"Well, I got you FastPasses to do the Little Mermaid ride, so how about that?" Phil watched as his daughter's eyes lit up.

"Little Mermaid?!" She squealed. "Ariel! I'm gonna see Ariel!" She started bouncing around.

"Dad, I don't _want_ to see Little Mermaid." Max said.

"I know." Phil said. "That's why I got FastPasses to see Pirates of the Caribbean a little later on. I know how much you like Jack Sparrow."

"It's _Captain_ Jack Sparrow, Dad!" Max laughed. "You know that!" Phil smiled.

"Course I do." He said innocently. "Now come on. We're going over to see the Little Mermaid before your sister explodes with excitement."

* * *

"And you did?" Fury said.

" _Yeah. We did_." Phil sighed. " _And I thought we'd dodged the Avengers, but I hadn't banked on them coming from Tomorrowland_."

* * *

" _Under the sea_

_Under the sea_

_Everything's better_

_Down where it's wetter_

_Take it from me!_ "

Phil's daughter sang happily as she danced away from the Little Mermaid: Ariel's Undersea Adventure ride. His son Max was drinking from a bottle of water Phil had purchased earlier that day.

"Dana!" Phil called out. "Don't go too far! Stay close, I don't want to lose you!"

"Okay, Daddy!" Dana said as she ran back to Phil and grabbed onto his shorts.

"Where... Are we going now, Dad?" Max asked, in between sips of water.

"We're going to the Small World ride."

"Small World?" Dana asked. "What's that?"

"It's a calming boat ride with a song that I _don't_ want you singing afterwards." Phil said with a smile on his face.

"Boat ride?" Dana's eyes widened as the smile on her face grew larger. "We're going on a boat ride?!"

"Well, it's not _that_ kind of boat ride, sweetie." Phil grunted, trying to think of the best way to describe the ride. "You'll just see when we're there."

"I wanna see now, Daddy!" Dana began bouncing up and down excitably. It's times like this Phil swore up and down that his daughter had ADHD.

"Well, we're not there yet... So y'can't." Phil shrugged. "Sorry." He said with a small smile. The three left New Fantasyland and entered ordinary Fantasyland, just passing the carousel. Dana carried on bouncing about singing Under the Sea, until a mysterious young man approached them.

"Phil Coulson, right?" The young man asked.

"Yeah." Phil said with a puzzled look on his face. "Do I know you?" He asked. "Are you Hydra?"

"Hydra? No."The young man laughed. "My name's Peter." He smiled.

"Are you Peter Pan?" Max asked.

"No, but it'd be cool if I was." Peter, the young man replied. "You're gonna be seeing a _lot_ of me in the future."

"Has May recruited you into SHIELD?" Phil asked, folding his arms.

"The Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement and Logistics Division?" Phil nodded. "No, but what a mouthful. Someone _really_ wanted your initials to spell out 'shield'."

"Who are you and how do you know about us?" Phil asked, slightly more agitatedly. "If you're not SHIELD or Hydra, then are you AIM?" Peter shook his head.

"Nope. I'm just your friendly neighborhood Spider Man."

* * *

"So my newest Avenger recruit disturbed you on vacation to talk about work time?" Fury questioned.

" _That's right, sir_." Phil said.

"What happened after that?"

" _Well, sir... He just walked away._ "

"And you just _assumed_ that he was Hydra." Fury said, slightly irritated.

" _Fury, I don't like Hydra. And I'm sure you don't either_."

"Indeed." Fury agreed. "And neither does Captain America."

Phil sighed. " _You're not gonna let me forget my Cap love, are you, sir_?"

"Not while you've still got that ridiculous tattoo, Coulson."

" _I do **not** have a Captain America tattoo_!" Phil said emotionally, trying to defend himself.

"Coulson." Fury began calmly. "I've seen it. Everyone Level 7 and above has seen it when we were reviving you and that _includes_ some Hydra."

" _Hydra bastards_." Phil grumbled. " _I do **not** have a tattoo_."

"You do. And that's okay, Phil." Fury said reassuringly. "We _all_ make mistakes in college and _especially_ when we're drunk."

" _I don't drink either_." Phil mumbled. " _I'm too high ranking with SHIELD for it to be worth it to take a drink_."

"Coulson, you're not fooling me." Fury growled. "I have photographic evidence of the tattoo that I'm willing to send to everyone in the current SHIELD databases and that _includes_ your beloved Captain America."

" _You're bluffing_." Phil said after a pause.

"Am I, Coulson?" Fury asked. "Am I _really_?

* * *

"Who was that, Daddy?" Dana asked.

"Yeah, did you know him?" Max chimed in.

"No, I don't. But I have a feeling I'm _about_ to." Phil sighed. "My Spider Sense is tingling."

"Sure your Spidey Sense don't tingle cuz there's Auntie Tasha, Auntie Maria and Unca Clint?" Dana asked, pointing to Maria, Clint and Natasha.

"Dad! They're with Captain America and Winter Soldier and Falcon and Iron Man!" Max said excitedly. "And some guy."

"That's Dr Banner." Phil muttered. "How about we go to the bathroom?" Phil suggested.

* * *

"Coulson, I don't want to know _everything_." Fury said through gritted teeth. "I just wanna hear about the Avengers."

" _And I'm not gonna tell you **everything**_!" Coulson laughed. " _It's just when we were in there, we bumped into Barton_."

* * *

"Well, well, well." Clint smiled at Phil, who was coming out of the disabled stall with his two kids. "Agent Phillip James Coulson. We meet again."

"Unca Clint!" Phil's kids squealed.

"Clint, what the hell are you on about?" Phil asked. "You're one of my best friends, my son figure. We see each other all the time."

Clint shrugged. "Whatever. It sounded cool."

"Where did you come from?" Phil asked.

"Iowa." Phil rolled his eyes. "Alright, Tomorrowland. And we're going to Small World. Just finished eating-man Thor can really eat. He ate almost a hundred bucks worth of breadsticks." Clint shook his head.

"Why are you here, Unca Clint?" Max asked, cocking his head.

"I'm here because my boss doesn't trust me not to be an idiot with the other Avengers"

"You're a Venger?" Dana asked.

"Yeah... I'm Hawkeye." Clint frowned. "Didn't-didn't your dad tell you?"

Max looked at Clint with his eyes wide open. "No." He shook his head.

"Phil!" Clint said in mock offense. "Is it because they're not Level 7?" Clint raised an eyebrow. "Welcome to Level 7."

"Clint, that's my line." Phil said tonelessly. "And don't tell my kids about Level 7."

"You know, I went to your funeral and grieved." Clint said. "Then a few months later, I saw you in the corridor of the Triskelion..."

"Yeah well the Triskelion doesn't exist any more." Phil led his kids to the sinks. "Wash your hands, guys." He turned to Clint. "Please, no more stories of me being dead or working for SHIELD."

"Daddy, are you dead?" Dana asked.

"Dana, how can I be dead, if I'm standing right here?" Phil asked, taking his daughter's small hand in his.

"Why did Unca Clint say you are?"

"He never said that." "I never said that." Both Clint and Phil said in unison.

"We Avengers had to work together to beat the _super villain_ and Phil just helped us work to win the battle!" Clint told the story exaggeratedly until his phone started to ring. "It's Tasha. I'd better go."

"Oh, tell Romanoff I said hi!" Phil said.

"Will do." Clint said, leaving the restroom.

"Evil bastard." Phil smiled and muttered under his breath.

* * *

"So Barton told your kids you died _and_ that you work for SHIELD?" Fury asked.

" _Yeah_." Phil sighed. " _That doesn't mean I'm gonna move them right into the Playground_."

"I never suggested you would." Fury said. "Did he tell them about your flying car?"

" _Oh they know about Lola_." Phil said casually. " _They don't know that she can fly_."

* * *

"Are we going on Small World now, Daddy?" Dana smiled hopefully.

"Sorry sweetie." Phil said. "We're going to go to our FastPass for the Haunted Mansion. Uncle Clint really kept us talking."

"Is it scary?" Dana asked.

"No. It's actually fun!" Phil said enthusiastically.

"But it's haunted."

"Not haunted-Disney Magic just makes it _seem_ haunted."

"Why are we going there?" Max asked.

"Uncle Clint and the Avengers are going on Small World, I thought it would be best to go to our FastPass."

"Don't you like Uncle Clint?"

"I do. I just want to get to our FastPass. If we don't, we might miss it, since Uncle Clint could keep us talking again." The kids both nodded in understanding. "Let's go then!"

* * *

"I don't need to know this." Fury growled. "Just get to the bit with the Avengers."

" _Fine_." Phil huffed.

* * *

"Daddy, I like Captain Jack Sparrow." Dana said, flashing her partially toothless grin. Phil and his kids had just come off the Pirates of the Caribbean ride and were looking around the gift shop.

"I like him too. He's good." Max smiled. "Like funny good."

"But is he a good person?" Phil asked.

"Yes!" Max blurted out. He then frowned in thought. "No." He looked at Phil. "I don't know, Dad."

"He's the main character in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, but to main characters have to be good, or can they be bad? Or neither?"

"Good?" Dana said thoughtfully.

"So they can't be bad?" Phil asked.

"I think Jack Sparrow is neither." Max said after some thought and fondling of some Jake and the Neverland Pirates dolls that Phil said they couldn't have. "He isn't good _or_ bad."

"I think you're right there, buddy." Phil picked up a Mickey Mouse ear hat. "You know what else I think..." Phil paused when he heard a familiar voice singing.

" _Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me_

_We extort and pilfer, we filch and we sack_

_Drink up me hearties, yo ho!_

_Maraud and embezzle and even hijack_

_Drink up me hearties, yo ho_!"

It was Thor. Phil let out a small gasp and turned around, putting the ear hat on in case he was recognized.

"Daddy!" Dana squealed. "It's the Vengers!"

"So I see, sweetie." Phil muttered anxiously.

"Come on, man." Tony said. Phil looked at them from the corner of his eye, pretending to examine a Pirates of the Caribbean action figure.

"Leave him alone, I say." Steve said.

"He's annoying me and attracting everyone's attention." Tony growled.

"Why are the Avengers fighting, Dad?"

"Because Tony Stark is a very hard person to get to like." Phil inhaled deeply. "His girlfriend's alright, but Tony himself-now I don't want either of you repeating this, but Tony's an asshole."

"Daddy swore!" Dana and Max both giggled.

"But he isn't hurting anyone." Steve said.

"He's hurting people's eardrums."

"No he's not." Steve hissed.

"Dad, is something bad happening?" Max asked.

"No, nothing bad is happening." Phil smiled nervously. "They do this all the time. Cap and Tony, I mean."

"Get me an _Advil_!" Tony shouted. "Thor's loud voice is giving me a headache!"

"Daddy! Look!" Dana shouted. "Mr Stark just punched Captain America!"

"Oh my God!" Phil said, looking genuinely frightened. He threw the action figure back on the shelf and took off the ear hat, ready to intervene if needed.

"Dad, can you make them stop?"

"I'll try if Aunt Maria needs me." Phil was visibly on edge as Bruce stepped back, nervously out of the action.

"Daddy! Unca Clint! Dana pointed at Clint, who was trying to restrain Tony by holding his arm, but was struggling. Natasha jumped on Tony's other arm. "Why is he and Auntie Tasha holding Mr Stark?"

"Because he might hit Captain America again." Phil said to his daughter. He began to sign ASL over to Natasha, who caught sight of him.

 _Do you need me to help_? Natasha shook her head.

 _Are you sure? I have my SHIELD badge on hand_. Natasha paused for a moment before shaking her head again.

While Phil was signing, Steve lunged to attack Tony, only Bucky stopped him by grabbing Steve around his waist. Steve then broke free from Bucky's grip and to stop him from hurting Tony, Bucky grabbed Steve's arm, desperately trying to hold him back.

"Daddy..." Dana buried her head in Phil's thigh and Phil protectively put his arm around her.

An audible snapping noise made Phil wince, but the scream, caused all onlookers to look away fast.

"No fighting!" Max shouted. "You're the Avengers! You fight super bad and evil guys!" Sam, who noticed Max, walked over to him, while Phil hid behind some Pirates of the Caribbean products.

"Hey, buddy." Sam said as he crouched down. "What's your name?" He asked. "My name's Sam, but some people call me Falcon." Max hid his face with his hands and Sam noticed Phil standing, entertaining his daughter with a Jake and the Neverland Pirates doll. "You the father?" Sam asked Phil.

"Yes, I am."

"What's his name?"

"Max."

Sam turned back to Max. "So your name's Max, huh?" Max nodded. "I had a friend when I was younger called Max. He was a great guy. We're actually still in touch."

"I like you." Max said quietly.

"Well, I like you too." Sam tousled Max's hair.

"Is your friend _really_ hurt?" Dana asked out of concern.

"No." Sam shook his head unconvincingly. "Don't worry about him, he'll be fine." Sam sighed. "So what's _your_ name then?"

"I'm Dana!" She shouted.

"Dana. That's a pretty name, for a pretty little girl like you." Sam smiled. He turned to Phil.

"I hope you don't mind me talking to your kids. I'm an Avenger, you can trust me."

"Any friend of Clint's and Natasha's can usually be trusted." Phil shrugged.

"You _know_ Clint and Natasha?!" Sam said in shock.

Phil paused. "Yes." He said.

"Sam, we're going now!" Maria called out.

"I'll be seeing you." Sam said as he began to walk away. "Oh and I wouldn't worry about Bucky the Winter Soldier either. He only screamed because he has real bad post traumatic stress." Sam followed the rest of the Avengers out of the gift shop and Phil looked on cautiously.

"He really _will_ be okay then?" Max asked.

"If Falcon says he will, then he will." Phil smiled and both Max and Dana nodded. "Now how about we go see the Country Bear Jamboree then?"

* * *

" _I didn't see them the rest of the day_." Phil said. " _Quite relaxing, honestly_."

"Well that's because Maria took them on a field trip to the hospital so uh... You know." Fury sighed.

" _Yeah, I know_." Phil groaned. " _I just would rather my kids not see any of the Avengers hurt. They both worship the guys and think they're invincible_."

"You want to preserve their childhood innocence?" Fury asked.

" _Yeah. I do. Kids need to be kids_." Phil replied.

"I'll let you go now, Coulson."

" _I'll be ready to do a full debrief of this situation when_..." Fury quickly hung up the phone and sighed. He was in for an Avengers PR nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the Spider Man cameo. He will be turning up quite a bit now that he's joining the MCU.  
> So The Avengers won't be going to Animal Kingdom next chapter as previously planned by Clint, Natasha and Maria, due to unforeseen circumstance and injuries. Who is it that's injured-Cap or Tony? Get those predictions in!


	9. Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?

Maria took the Avengers out of the hospital and ordered them into the mini bus, grabbing Steve's arm as an indication he should wait.

"How are you feeling, Steve?"

"Fine. It's a dislocated shoulder, Maria. I'll live." He gave a small smile. "I've been shot, stabbed, blown up, drowned and beaten into a coma by my best friend. This," he gestured to his right arm, which was now resting in a sling, "is nothing compared to any of that.

"You cried out in pain in the E.R." Maria raised an eyebrow.

"That was Bucky actually, and it was because he saw them forcing my shoulder into its socket.

"Have you ever dislocated your shoulder before?" She sighed.

"Ah... I haven't." He admitted.

"I have." Maria said. "And so has most other SHIELD agent. I mean, Clint hasn't, but he's been put in a body cast a few times. And he's been deafened. Broken arms, collar bones, femurs, ribs, fractured skulls, shattered pelvises, vertebrae and compound fractures, child abuse- _mind control_..."

"What are you getting at, Maria?" Steve asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"So… He's had it worse. Worse than anyone." She shrugged. Steve looked over at the archer, who was laughing exaggeratedly at the back of the mini bus with Natasha, who was blushing.

"You wouldn't think it, looking at him." Steve muttered. "Get in." Maria said. "We're going back to the hotel now." Steve struggled into the mini bus before Sam helped him in. Maria got in afterwards.

* * *

Back in their hotel room, Bucky was helping Steve get dressed into his pajamas and apologizing profusely for hurting him, while Sam was rearranging Steve's bed to make it easier for him to sleep with the sling on. There was a knock at the front door and Sam went to answer it. It was Clint.

"Hey, it's just me." Clint smiled. "I come bearing food." He said, waving a boxed pizza in front of the three army veterans.

"Let him in." Steve shouted across the room. "Clint, hey."

"Today went well." Clint said, throwing the pizza onto the table. "Apart from where Bucky pulled your arm out of its socket. How long will it take to heal, by the way?"

"Maria thinks that because of the super soldier serum that it should only take around 5 or 6 days for me."

"Better than 3 months." Clint rolled his eyes and threw himself onto Steve's bed.

"Hey, watch it!" Sam said. "I spent 20 minutes arranging those pillows for Cap."

"Sorry, Sam." Clint sat up at the foot of the bed. "I didn't notice."

"That's fine, Clint. Don't worry." Sam sighed, not quite forgiving Clint.

Steve broke away from Bucky with his pajama top not quite on properly. "What kind of pizza is this?" He asked.

"Uh... Just plain cheese." Clint shrugged, opening the box. Steve's eyes widened as he grabbed two slices with his good hand, sandwiched them together and took a bite.

"Wow." Clint looked horrified as he watched the other super-soldier do the same and also grab a slice with his prosthetic hand to eat later.

"I know, right." Sam laughed. "There's only three slices left for us." Steve quickly nabbed another slice of pizza and shoved it in his mouth.

"Make that one slice each." Clint said, quickly claiming his slice. Sam narrowed his eyes at the others and pounced on the final slice.

* * *

Over in Maria's hotel room, the atmosphere wasn't quite as welcoming, as she and Natasha were punishing Tony.

"Why do I have to room with Thor?" Tony asked. "Why can't Bucky? You know, since he's the one that actually pulled Spangles' joint from its socket."

"Because you were the one that provoked Steve by mocking Thor." Maria said.

"Steve was standing up for his teammate and Bucky was just making sure that he didn't murder you." Natasha folded her arms.

"And don't call him 'Spangles', he doesn't like it." Maria growled.

"Does the same...?" Tony began.

"Yes, the same also goes for 'Capsicle', now am I clear?"

"Who's gonna make sure Banner doesn't Hulk-out?" Tony asked. "I mean, that's an important job..."

"That would be me." Natasha said, sternly. "And Sam is looking after Steve for the time being."

"I thought he only looked after veterans' mental health?"

" _Don't_ push it, Stark." Maria growled.

"I really _wouldn't_ push it, Tony." Natasha said. "Maria can be worse than Bruce when she's angry."

"What, so she's She-Hulk?"

"Tony. Seriously." Natasha spat. "Shut the fuck up before you say or do something you sincerely regret, something that isn't just a black eye."

"Get to Thor's, NOW!" Maria barked and frightened Tony out of the room. Next chance he got, he was testing out his Hulkbuster armor on Maria.

* * *

Thor was in his hotel room alone, eating popcorn and watching Pirates of the Caribbean on the Disney Channel. He was on his phone to his girlfriend Jane.

"This type of entertainment should be introduced to Asgard." He said as he shoveled popcorn into his mouth. "My friends shall be most delighted to watch these little people doing such extraordinary feats inside such a tiny box."

" _Thor, nobody's doing anything **inside** the TV_." Jane laughed.

"But this Captain Jack Sparrow man is on a pirate ship in this little box." Thor insisted. "Just a few short minutes ago he was on land."

" _Remind me to tell you how movies work when you get back_."

"I shall, Jane, for I would very much enjoy to learn about these 'movies' and what they are."

" _What they are_?" Jane asked. " _Thor, you're watching one. And you're in four_." She added.

"What did you say?"

" _Nothing_." Jane said quickly. " _How do you understand cell phones but not movies_?" She asked. Before Thor could answer, he was interrupted by a knock at the door.

"Jane, we shall have to continue this conversation on another day as one of my fellow Avengers is at the door of my hotel room."

" _Which one_?" Jane asked. Thor pulled the curtain back slightly.

"It appears to be the Man of Iron." Thor said with a puzzled look on his face.

" _Alright, I'll see you in two weeks_."

"You too, Jane." Thor said, hanging up the phone. He opened the door and held his arms out. "Man of Iron!" His voice boomed as his arms wrapped around Tony's body. "How joyous it is to see you once more!"

"Thor, you saw me earlier." Tony said, trying to push himself away from Thor's intense grip.

"It is most wonderful that you chose to join me at this time." Thor pulled away from the hug and Tony closed the door with his foot.

"Why?" He asked skeptically.

"I was watching these tiny people in this box do impossible things." Thor pointed at the TV. "But they clearly aren't impossible to Midgardians. Maybe only us Asgardians." Thor mused.

"Thor, most of what you're seeing is CGI." Tony rolled his eyes.

"CGI?" Thor asked, confused.

"Computer generated imagery."

"This is a computer?" Thor asked, tapping the TV screen.

"No, it's a TV." Tony replied. "But most of the movie was made by computers."

"Fascinating." Thor said. "I had no idea computers were so intelligent."

"They aren't." Tony laughed. "Well, you've met JARVIS."

"Indeed I have." Thor smiled. "He is the ghost man that operates Avengers Tower."

"Uh, 'ghost man' isn't the word you'd use to describe him." Tony said, taking his Stark Phone from his pocket and tapped the screen. "Hello JARVIS. Where am I?"

" _Hello, sir. You are in the Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando Florida_." The phone said.

"Your phone speaks like the ghost man."

"That's because he's an AI-that's artificial intelligence."

"So computers _do_ have intelligence?" Thor asked.

"Kind of." Tony said and proceeded to explain (in basic terms) to Thor how computers work. Thor didn't seem to quite grasp it.

* * *

Back in Steve's room, Sam had just helped Steve out in the bathroom.

"It's not that I don't appreciate the help, Sam, it's just... Well I feel that I'm capable of brushing my teeth on my own.

"I know, Cap." Sam said. "You're a quick healer."

Steve rubbed his shoulder. "But my shoulder's still sore, damn it."

Sam laughed. "So the great Captain America _does_ swear then!"

"Course I do!" Steve said. "I'm not nearly as clean and perfect as everyone makes me out to be." Steve sat down on his bed. " _And_..." He began. "I'm not a virgin either, no matter _what_ Clint or Tony try to convince you to believe."

"WHAT?!" Sam laughs in disbelief.

"Yeah, I had sex in 1940...4. 1944."

"Wow." Sam sat down on Bucky's-and temporarily his-bed. "To who?"

"Peggy Carter." Steve smiled blissfully.

"Whoa-Peggy Carter as in founding member of S.H.I.E.L.D Peggy Carter?"

"Yup. That's the one." Steve said. "She was my first girlfriend." Steve began telling Sam stories of the 40s until they both fell asleep.

* * *

Phil Coulson entered his hotel room with his two tired children. He managed to put them down to bed immediately before he checked (and struggled with) his email. When he eventually got into his email account, he found one sitting in there from FitzSimmons. He opened it up to read it and was initially shocked by what he read and then amused. Melinda May had told them both that Phil was going. What she had neglected to tell them, however, was that he was only going for a fortnight. Being Melinda May, Phil figured out that it was on purpose. The email was basically Leo Fitz and Jemma Simmons begging him to come back to SHIELD. Some of Phil's favorite parts included the lines "We're like leaves and you're the sunlight for us to photosynthesize-we cannot function without you." "If it's the GH drug, we can work out some sort of antidote." And "PS, it's Fitz-Hunter keeps farting in my cereal.

Phil thought it would be funny to drag this out until either he returned off his-much needed-vacation or until May was kind enough to tell the two scientists the truth-the former being most likely-so he didn't reply to the email, instead smirking as he closed the tab on his SHIELD issue tablet.

* * *

The next morning, the Avengers gathered for breakfast at the Pepper Market. Feeling adventurous, Steve decided to brave it and try the _Froot Loops_ , while Bucky and Sam stuck to bagels. Maria and Natasha had fruit cups, Tony had toast, Bruce had _Corn Flakes_ with no sugar, Clint had grits (again) and Thor had the everything.

They each brought out the souvenir cups and had coffee in them-Bruce's was decaf, while everyone else's were not. Once again, everyone marveled at how Thor could eat so much, so quickly.

"So have either you or Clint made plans for today?" Maria asked to Natasha. "I mean, we were going to Animal Kingdom, but that's out of the question due to Cap's injury."

"Yeah." Clint said. "We're going to Epcot."

"Epcot, huh?" Tony smirked. "Yeah, Stark Industries sponsors an exhibit there."

"Really?" Sam asked. "Which one?"

"You'll find out when we get there." Tony said.

"Lady Maria." Thor began with food in his mouth. "These things are delectable." He waved a hash brown in front of Maria's face. "I must know what you call them."

"Hash browns." Maria said coolly. "They're made from shredded potato."

"I like them." Thor smiled. "I want more!"

"No, Thor." Maria said firmly. "Steve and Bucky's metabolisms are 4 times that of an average human and yet _together_ they eat less than you do."

"What is a metabolism?" Thor asked, now chewing on a bagel.

"Metabolism is when you eat food and digest... Uh... Bruce, why don't you explain this one." Maria asked. She took a swig from her coffee, carefully looking at a nervous looking Bruce.

"Well... When you eat food there's calories." Bruce said carefully. "And basically, calories are where you get your energy from in food." He said quickly, before Thor could ask any questions. "Metabolism is how quickly your body converts these calories into energy." Bruce picked up his coffee.

"So why do Friend Captain and Friend Bucky have high metabolism?" Thor frowned.

"Because they're super-soldiers."

"Lady Natasha is _also_ a super-soldier."

"I'm a different kind of super-soldier, Thor." Natasha explained. "I didn't take the serum developed by Dr Erksine. It probably has a different effect than those developed by the Red Room for the Black Widow project."

"You know, I didn't take Erksine's serum either." Bucky scratched his head. "I took one developed by Hydra..."

"I'm ending this conversation." Maria said loudly, before turning to Thor. "No more breakfast." She stood up and started walking away. "Come on, we're going." The Avengers all stood up and walked after Maria.

"Hey, there's Phil Coulson's twin again." Steve said to Bruce.

"I saw him yesterday, right after the accident." Sam mused. "His little boy was the one who shouted out at you guys to behave."

"That looks uncannily like Coulson." Bruce shook his head.

"He might have had a twin brother." Tony suggested.

"Maybe." Steve agreed. "Kept him secret because of the spy thing." Natasha and Clint shared a look and giggled.

"What's so funny?" Steve asked.

"Coulson was an only child." Clint said. "As in, just like you three, Cap, Tony and Bruce-no siblings."

"So who is that then?" Tony asked.

"Isn't it obvious?" Natasha smirked.

"Coulson's a Walker?" Bruce asked nervously. "Do we have to get Rick Grimes and Daryl Dixon over here?"

"No. That guy was not a zombie." Natasha rolled her eyes. "He was just a guy who _looked_ like our old dear departed buddy-Agent Phillip Coulson."

"Dude, you watch way too much _Walking Dead_ , pal." Tony laughed.

"Do you have any siblings, Bucky?" Clint asked.

"Uh yeah." Bucky rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "I did. I had a younger sister-Becky."

"Becky?" Clint raised an eyebrow. "Bucky and Becky?" The corners of his mouth curled up into a smirk. "You don't know how happy that's just made me."

* * *

"Donny, do we have to go through this again?" Maria growled. The Avengers were all standing at the gates of Epcot. Thor borrowed shorts from Steve and was wearing a Buzz Lightyear t-shirt purchased from Panchito's Gifts and Sundries, the gift shop of the Coronado Springs Resort. He was looking a lot less Asgardian today.

"It is fascinating." Thor examined the Mickey Head orb.

"Donny, please." Maria hissed. If you're gonna get enchanted by that damn ball every time we go to a theme park, then I might as well have left you in New York."

"Donny, just put your MagicBand against the damn glowing orb." Tony said. "And hold it there until the orb goes green." Thor followed Tony's instructions.

"It is green!" Thor shouted. "I have gained entrance to this realm!" The Cast Member manning the entrance looked at Maria quizzically.

"He's foreign." Maria shrugged. "Come on, Donald." She grabbed Thor's arm and pulled him into the park. Tony grabbed some park maps from another Cast Member and Thor wandered over to the old Leave a Legacy walls to look at the people etched onto the tiles.

"Tho-Donny, come on, buddy." Steve said, pulling at Thor's t-shirt.

"But I must look at these Midgardians carved into this metal." Thor whined. "Have they fallen in any Midgardian battles?"

"What?" Tony asked. "No, Thor, this is Leave a Legacy." He explained. "At the start of the new millennium-or rather, just before it-people put their likenesses on these metal sheets basically to commemorate that they'd been to Disney World."

"Is that it?" Thor's face screwed up in thought. "They did not fall for the cause of Midgard?"

"I'm pretty sure that some small percentage did, but not all of them."

"I managed to get FastPasses for Soarin' last night and they're at 12:15." Clint interrupted.

"We have a good two hours before then." Maria confirmed, looking at her phone.

"Wanna do Spaceship Earth to pass the time until then?" Natasha asked.

"What is it like?" Bruce asked.

"Slow moving, buddy." Tony said, clapping Bruce's shoulder.

"Good." Bruce smiled. "Let's do it."

Everyone then walked over to the line-though Sam and Bucky had to drag Thor away from the Leave a Legacy walls-and began to queue up for the attraction.

"That's Spaceship Earth?" Bucky said in awe. "Wow." He looked up at the massive 180 foot ball and its triangular panels above him and smiled goofily.

"Indeed it is, Bucky Boy." Tony said.

"Tony..." Steve growled.

"Steve! Tony!" Maria hissed. "Stop it!"

"They're not going to, Maria." Bruce shook his head.

"I damn well hope they do." Maria folded her arms. "Cap's shoulder's already been dislocated-he's in a sling. What has to happen next? Stark's nose gets broken?" Bruce shrugged.

"Probably."

"Well, I don't wanna take that chance." Maria pulled out her phone.

"Who are you texting?" Tony asked Maria, leaning into her.

**in Epcot today. what abot you?**

"I see it's Phil." Tony smirked.

"Go the fuck away, Stark." Maria hissed. "This is my private business. I don't interfere when you're off texting Pepper."

"I haven't texted her in three days!" Tony laughed.

"No wonder she's pissed at you, bro."* Clint rolled his eyes.

"How do _you_ know she's pissed at me, Legolas?" Tony's eyes narrowed.

"Stop this fucking Civil War that you're trying to create _now_ , Tony, or I'll have you kicked the fuck _out_ of the Avengers. No More Iron Man." Maria glared at Tony.

"Civil War... What Civil War? Jesus whatever." Tony muttered to himself.

"Stark, no sulking either." Natasha added. "This is the Happiest Place on Earth and I'd like for you to keep it that way."

"Hell yeah." Clint said. "No sulking."

"I do _not_ sulk." Tony grunted.

"Yes. You do." Clint chuckled.

"Tony, you do." Sam agreed. "You sulk so hard that sometimes I swear you're more diva than Paris Hilton."

"Oh gee, you're one to talk." Tony scoffed. "You've been on the team _how long_?"

"Exactly!" Sam said loudly. "And I know your habits!"

While everyone squabbled and Natasha and Clint tried to reign them in, Maria checked her phone.

**Hollywood studios. thank god. stressing me out that i might see the avnegers.**

Maria felt relief wash over her. She could just concentrate on the Avengers for today, without having to worry about bumping into Phil or his kids-even though Sam had unknowingly done just that yesterday. They entered the Spaceship Earth building.

"No more arguing. Just shut the hell up." Maria hissed.

"And how many are in your party?" A Cast Member asked, looking on concerned.

"Nine."

"Uh... Two in each row. One in the last." The Cast Member replied as she took out her phone. "Mr. Stark!" She called out.

"Yeah?" Tony asked, turning around to see her. She held her phone out and snapped a picture of him and some of the Avengers in the background.

"I am putting this on _Tumblr_ as soon as possible." She smiled to herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it was Steve that got hurt-bet you didn't see that one coming! Just because he's a super soldier, doesn't mean he doesn't get hurt! He just heals quicker.  
> The next few chapters will NOT have much Coulson (sorry, Coulson fans-including me). The next time we see our beloved Avengers, they will be wandering around Epcot. And some of them will have no choice but to stay off some of the rides *ahem* Tony, Cap and Bruce *ahem* so how will they react to that? Will Epcot prove to be a turning point in the relationship of Tony and Cap? Will Bucky stop being in awe of everything Disney World has to offer? Will Thor ever understand Midgardian technology? Find out in the rest of the story. And also, do you have anything special that you do in Epcot and would like to see the Avengers do? Or anything you just wanna see the Avengers do anyway?  
> * Yes, this is a reference to Matt Fraction's Hawkeye. Bro.


	10. Tomorrow's Child

"Tony, no harassing the Captain!" Maria shouted. "It's bad enough you dislocated his shoulder..."

"Me?" Tony raised an eyebrow. "Uh... That was Robot Arm over there."

"Sit away from the two please." Maria hissed.

"Alright, alright. Come on Bruce." Tony pulled Bruce to another seat and Thor sat down in front of Sam and Steve alongside Maria. Tony and Bruce sat behind them. Natasha and Bucky sat in a separate car behind them and Clint sat alone.

"Steve, you okay?" Sam asked.

"Absolutely fine." Steve answered chirpily. "I know that Bucky's fine with Natasha."

As the vehicles moved forward, they saw screens with graphics of their ride vehicles and subtitles underneath.

"What's that?" Steve asked.

"Just in case idiots decide to jump out of the ride vehicle." Sam rolled his eyes.

"Has it happened before?"

"Unfortunately, yes." Sam nodded.

" _During your slow moving journey, your time machine will slowly rotate backwards_." A voice said. " _For your safety, remain seated at all times_."

"Is that what that's for too?" Steve asked.

"Yeah." Sam breathed. "Annoying, isn't it, that there are people like that out there." Steve nodded.

" _This is Spaceship Earth Control_." Another voice said. " _On behalf of **Siemens** , welcome aboard_."

" _Siemens_?" Bucky cocked his head.

"They make cell phones, Bucky." Natasha explained.

" _On the map in front of you, please show us where you're from, while we input your time travel co-ordinate_ s."

"Map?" Bucky asked, searching frantically. "I don't see a map." Natasha pointed at the small screen in front of them, between their seats. "Right."

"We're gonna have a problem here." Natasha said. "You're American and I'm Russian."

"No." Bucky shook his head. "James Buchanan Barnes is American. The Winter Soldier is Russian." He pulled his t-shirt sleeve up and pointed at the star of communism on his robotic arm's shoulder.

"Right. Mother Russia it is."Natasha tapped on Russia on the touch screen map.

"Everyone else has chosen America." Bucky bit his lip.

"Except Thor. He's from off-world."

"But they don't have a map for Asgard." Bucky said, disheartened. "Just Earth."

"Well then..." Natasha said. "It just means we're special."

"I like that." Bucky smiled. "Thanks for not complaining about sitting by me."

"Bucky, I _know_ you weren't you when you shot me." She said gently. "Don't worry about it. Now smile." She pointed at the overhead cameras.

" _Now locate the monitor overhead to your right." The voice said. "Make sure your face is **clearly** visible and wait for the flash._ " In front of Bucky and Natasha and Tony and Bruce, Thor threw his hands up and whooped. Bucky threw his head back and laughed. Natasha did a thumbs up to the camera. " _Good. Sending photo to the future. All systems are go-linking you now to your guide._ "

Natasha poked Bucky's neck. "You know that's your photo, right?"

"What is?"

"Oh you'll see in about 10 minutes." She said casually.

" _Like a grand and miraculous spaceship, our planet has sailed through the universe of time; and for a brief moment we have been among it's passengers._ " Dame Judi Dench began narrating. " _But where are we going? And what kind of future will we discover there?_ "

"Is that Dame Judi Dench?" Bruce asked.

"Think so." Tony said, removing his sunglasses. "I mean, it sure sounds like her."

" _Surprisingly, the answers lie in our past._ "

"Well, no it isn't 'surprisingly', not for me." Tony tapped his arc reactor.

" _Since the dawn of recorded history, we've been inventing the future one step at a time. So let's travel back in time together. I'll show you how our ancestors created the world we know today, and then it will be your turn to create the world of tomorrow._ "

"Hah." Tony scoffed. "Stark Industries is already doing that. Ahead of the game, Brucie."

"I know, Tony." Bruce whispered. "I live at Avengers Tower too, don't I?"

"Yup. A few years now." Bruce stared at Tony. "Oh." He groaned in realization. "Yeah, I get it."

" _Here in this hostile world is where our story begins. We are alone, struggling to survive until we learn to communicate with one another. Now we can hunt as a team and survive together._ "

"I hear wind, but what's going on?" Steve leaned in to ask Sam.

"Some cavemen or something trying to stab a woolly mammoth." He replied. "It's on the screen in front of you, can you not see it?" Steve shook his head. "Then can you see the next scene?"

"Yes." Steve said. "Cavemen painting."

"Good." Sam nodded.

" _It takes 15,000 years to come up with the next bright idea: recording our knowledge on cave walls. There is only one small problem, when we move, the recorded knowledge stayed behind._ "

"That language sounds like the language of Alfheimr." Thor said loudly to Maria sitting next to him.

"Inside voice please, Thor." Maria whispered.

"Oh, sincere apologies, Lady Maria. Is this better?" Thor asked, a few decibels quieter.

"Not really, no." Maria shook her head.

" _Now let's move ahead to ancient Egypt, because something is about to happen here that will change the future forever._ "

"What is it? What is it?" Bucky asked quickly, half standing up.

"Sit _down_! Natasha hissed. "You're gonna get that voice that says 'sir, please stay seated in your ride vehicle or we'll have to escort you out of the park and you'll never see Disney parks again'." Natasha said, imitating a security spiel. "And then Director Fury will get so mad at you, the next thing you know your _other_ arm will be robotic too. And we don't want that, do we?" Bucky slunk down in his seat, shaking his head.

"No." He said meekly.

"Good." Natasha snapped.

" _This unknown Egyptian pounding reeds flat is inventing papyrus, a sort of paper. Papyrus in turn creates better record keeping of plans, designs and unfortunately taxes_."

"I don't pay taxes." Steve said, examining the Egyptian pharaoh giving a decree on the newly invented papyrus. "I also don't get paid." He looked at Sam. "Why don't I get paid for my service to SHIELD?"

"I don't know, you'll have to ask Maria."

" _But it also brings with it the dawn of great civilizations._ "

"Like the Asgardians!" Thor bellowed proudly. Maria growled.

" _At this point each civilization has its own form of writing which none of the other's can understand. But the Phoenicians, who trade with all of them have a solution. They create a simple common alphabet adaptable to most languages. Remember how easy it was to learn your ABC's? Thank the Phoenicians, they invented them._ "

"ABC's?" Thor asked as they passed a boat carrying people-the Phoenicians-and crates. "What are ABC's?"

"You know, Thor..." Thor shook his head and Maria sighed as she began singing the Alphabet Song.

"No, I don't know." Thor shook his head. "Over in Asgard we have a different alphabet."

"And I don't wanna hear it." Maria said, putting her hand up, level to Thor's face.

" _The ancient Greeks were great inventors of the future. First they established public schools, and then begin teaching an intriguing new subject called mathematics._ "

A Greek philosopher spoke in Greek and read from a book to a class full of younger Greeks. " _And with math comes mechanical technology and the birth of the high tech life we enjoy today."_

"I thought it was all thanks to Stark Industries." Tony joked, jabbing Bruce in the arm with his elbow.

"Shut up, Tony." Bruce hissed.

"I absolutely _love_ history, Natasha." Bucky said, looking around. "Maybe it's because I'm a _part_ of history."

"We're _all_ part of history, Bucky." Natasha rolled her eyes.

"Yeah. But I fought in World War II. And as much as I hate the hell out of it, I was a secret weapon to Hydra in assassinating people in the Cold War-I mean, I killed some powerful people, what if it was really _me_ who killed Kennedy?!"

"Bucky, calm down." Natasha sighed. "Look. It's a roman chariot in a backdrop of... Rome."

" _With lessons learned from the Greeks, the Romans create a powerful empire. To move their armies around, they build a system of roads all over the known world. Rome built the first World Wide Web, and it's leading us into the future._ "

"World Wide Web?" Steve cocked his head. "Is that anything to do with Spider Man?"

"No, Cap." Sam replied "The World Wide Web is just a longer way of saying Internet. You know, the W-W-W-dot thing you type into the search bar?"

"Ah! Yeah!" Steve nodded in understanding.

 _"But then we hit a road block: Rome falls, and the great Library of Alexandria in Egypt is burned._ "

"I smell smoke-is the ride on fire?" Steve asks panicked. "Get me out! Get me out!" He screams. "I'm Captain America! Captain America can't die yet! I'm supposed to die-but not really-after the Civil War event in my third movie...!"

"Cap, calm down!" Sam points to some smoldering remains. "It's all part of the effects of the ride."

"Oh..." Steve's cheeks flushed bright pink. Sam could see it, even in the low light.

" _Much of our learning is destroyed... lost forever... or so we think."_

"Now you get it, we're fine. Disney won't kill us, not while we still have money to spend in their theme parks." Sam scoffed.

" _It turns out there were copies of some of these books in the libraries of the Middle East, being watched over by Arab and Jewish scholars. Call it, the first back-up system. The books are saved, and with them: our dreams of the future._ "

"So without that disaster, no Stark Industries." Bruce said smugly.

"No, there would have been." Tony remarked flippantly. "Simply because I'm a genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist."

"Uh huh..." Bruce rolled his eyes.

" _In the meantime, here in Europe, monks toil endlessly recording these books by hand, but that is about to change."_

"Magic?" Thor asked. "Sorcery! Loki must be about!"

"No." Maria sighed. "It's just... Technology."

" _In 1450, Gutenberg invents the movable type printing press. Now knowledge can travel as fast as these new books, and travel they do._ "

In the scenes around the Avengers, there are people reading books, papers and playing lutes.

"Wicked." Bucky said, looking around. "I wonder what they're reading."

"As long as it's not _50 Shades of Grey_ , I couldn't care." Natasha said.

" _Books make it easier to invent the future in every field, and the result is an incredible explosion of innovation that we call the Renaissance._ "

Renaissance type music plays as the Avengers pass through more scenes, this time of painters and artists.

"Isn't that statue Michelangelo's David?" Tony asked.

"No it's not actually..."

"It's Michelangelo's David" Tony shrugged.

"That is _not_ David!" Bruce argued. "Where's the penis?!"

"Uh... This is Disney World. Kids might see it."

"And half of them have their own penises." Bruce countered. "But that's not the point. That's not David- _that's_ the point."

"Oh yeah? Where's your proof?"

"Where's my..." Bruce huffed. "Ugh, just _look_ at it!" He pointed to the statue. "Clearly _not_ David!"

"It's generic art made to look like the art of the Renaissance period, now will you two stop your petty squabbling?" Natasha growled as she leaned towards the two.

"Yes." They said in unison.

"Good." She said, pointing up at the ceiling. "And by the way, that _is_ the Sistine Chapel." She huffed and leaned back in her seat.

" _Books it seems were just the beginning. Now communication technology races head long into the future, and soon people all over the world are sharing life's most important moments faster than ever before._ "

An animatronic man is reading a newspaper with the headline "Civil War Over" and in a corner an animatronic boy is selling newspapers.

"Extra! Extra! Read all about it!" Another voice says from the animatronic boy. "Civil War is over! The Civil War is over!"

"Actually, it's not, since that's the title of my next film." Steve shrugged nonchalantly with his good arm. "It's just beginning."

"What the...?" Sam began.

"Hey yeah. And you're in it." Steve smiled excitedly. "And Bucky's in it, Clint's in it, Natasha's in it, Tony's _definitely_ in it, since it's a me versus him story-oh and Spider Man's gonna be in it and it's introducing Black Panther as well, even though we already know him, the audience doesn't."

"When?"

"2016." Steve replied. "Not looking forward to dying though."

"Maybe you _won't_ die. After all, isn't Chris Evans is signed on for another movie after this?"

"Yeah, probably Infinity War 2, so I die, but not _die_. You know. Like Coulson." Steve smiled. "Oh wait. I'm not supposed to know that he's alive yet. Forget that last bit."

The Avengers pass through various scenes of the telegraph, the phone, the radio and Jesse Owens competing in the Olympics in a Cinema mock up.

"Oh I remember that." Bucky smiled fondly. "I remember taking Steve down to the local cinema and we would watch everything from the news, sports and the Olympics to Disney cartoons." He put his head back on his headrest. "That was when Steve was just a tiny, weedy little kid from Brooklyn with a list of medical complaints longer than your arm."

" _By now, we're all communicating from anywhere on Earth and in 1969 from somewhere else._ "

"That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." Neil Armstrong proudly announces as footage appears of the moon landing on a TV screen inside a mock-up of a 60's living room.

"What?!" Steve shouted in disbelief. "No fucking way!" He leaned forward to look at the TV screen to the left of him, almost crushing Sam as he did so. "Why did nobody _say_ you stuck a man on the moon?!"

"Cap, we put 12 guys on the moon-wasn't it on your list to check out?"

"Yeah, but all that crap happened in Captain America: The Winter Soldier, so I didn't get the chance to check everything on that list out." Steve said sheepishly.

"Yeah it was almost 15, but uh... Just _Google_ 'Apollo 13' on the Internet some day..." Sam trailed off.

" _To send a man to the moon, we had to invent a new language, spoken not by man, but by computers. At first very large, very expensive computers, but we see the potential."_

"Not kidding." Steve said. "I'm used to carrying around like three on me at any one time."

"So am I." Sam replied.

" _What if everyone could have one of these amazing machines in their own house? There's just one problem: They're as big as a house. The solution comes in of all places, a garage in California._ "

"Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs." Tony rolled his eyes. "My StarkPads are a million times better than their _iPads_ could ever hope to be."

"Their _iPhones_ are pretty great though." Bruce shrugged and Tony frowned.

" _Young people with a passion for shaping the future put the power of the computer in everyone's hands. Together we form a super network that goes with billions of interactions, and once again we stand on the brink of a new Renaissance._ "

"Yeah, one that Stark Industries will bring about." Tony said smugly.

"Will you shut the _fuck_ up about Stark Industries, Tony?!" Bruce hissed angrily. "I'm literally _one_ more mention of your goddamned company away from Hulking out."

"Stark Industries." Tony muttered.

"Shut your fucking mouth." Bruce growled.

" _After 30,000 years of time travel, here we are, a truly global community, poised to shape the future of this, our Spaceship Earth._ "

"This is why this time travel vehicle is named Spaceship Earth, is it not?" Thor asked.

"It's a ride, Thor." Maria explained. "Time travel doesn't exist yet."

"Maybe not on Midgard, but on _Asgard_..."

"Thor, shh." Maria said. "We're not _on_ Asgard are we? Drop it."

" _Please remain seated._ " A voice said. " _Your time machine is rotating backwards for your return to Earth._ "

"See!" Thor boomed triumphantly.

" _In preparation for your return to Earth, your time machine is now rotating backward_."

"We _are_ time traveling!" Thor shouted again.

"That ghost man said we are! Much like the ghost man at Man of Iron's Avengers tower, back in New York."

"No, that's _not_ like JARVIS." Maria shook her head. "These are lines pre-recorded by a man, JARVIS is an AI."

"What, pray tell, does 'pre-recorded' mean?"

"It means..." Maria sighed. "It means someone recorded those lines ahead of time, so that we would hear them now."

"Does that not mean we can time travel?"

"Stop trying to prove we're time traveling, Thor, you won't succeed."

" _For the first time in history, all of us can have a say about the kind of world we want to live in. The choices we have made for the past 30,000 years have been inventing the future one day at a time. And now, it's your turn. Let's have some fun creating the future, shall we? On your computer screen, answer a few questions for us. Then, we'll show you a new world, custom made just for you. Ready?_ "

Clint tapped absently on the phrases in front of him as he typed on his SHIELD issue phone. He was texting his handler, Phil Coulson.

**Where are you?**

Clint wrote. He had a reply almost immediately.

**Hollywood studios**

**Were at Epcot. You going to the 50's resturant place?**

Clint smirked as he typed. He received a reply quickly, once again.

**No why?**

**Theyre on e of the only places in dnisey world to serve alcohol**

Clint typed back quickly and sent, despite the multiple spelling errors.

**I dont drink.**

Coulson's reply came quicker than usual.

**Youre not onnduty**

Clint shook his head as he typed. Coulson could never relax and have a drink. Except for that _one_ New Year's Eve where three shots, a vodka double and a beer made him go ga-ga and miss the ball drop. He'd passed out drunk by 10 pm. It was hard for Clint to believe that it was the year Phil died.

**No but I habe my kids with me**

The reply came while Clint was thinking.

**Go have a drink!**

Clint wrote urgingly. All he wanted was his buddy/father figure to have a good time and if you can't do that on vacation, when can you?

**Clint, I havnt had alcohol since I died. My tolarence has porbablt gone down since you knew me**

The last text made Clint wonder if Phil _was_ actually drinking.

**Phil Coulson, I still know you.**

**Still no Clint**

" _Well done! Now along with your answers let's add in some amazing new technology that we happen to know about._ "

"Lady Maria, what is this magic happening on this glass?" Thor asked, referring to the moving graphic on the screen in front of them, making and taking away buildings and landscape.

"Thor, it's just a graphic. It's not magic."

"What's a graphic?"

"Like a quick little cartoon made by computers."

"Oh! I know about computers!" Thor shouted and everyone looked at him, except Clint, who didn't have his hearing aids turned on. "Man of Iron explained them to me last night in the room of the hotel!"

"That's great, Thor." Maria said quickly. "But can you _please_ be quiet, you're causing a bit of a scene."

"Oh."

" _And now I believe your future is just about ready. Let's take a look, shall we?_ "

A video began on the screens in front of the Avengers. " _Welcome to the future_!" A male voice said cheerily. " _Or should I say **your** future!_ "

"Look at you, Bucky!" Natasha laughed, pointing at the pictures of them on the screen. Bucky's face wasn't visible, instead it was his open mouth, laughing. "You look so dumb!"

"Half of _your_ face is covered by your fist and thumb." Bucky said.

"I know." Natasha shrugged. "That was intentional."

" _Here in **your** future, getting away on vacation is a breeze_!" The cheery voice said. " _Your smart suitcase knows where you're going_..."

"If only _I_ had a suitcase like that." Tony sighed. "Oh that's right! I run Stark Industries! I can _make_ one!"

"Tony..." Bruce growled.

"Relax, big guy."

"It's hard to relax when you keep pissing me off."

" _You won't have to worry about your pets when you're gone, thanks to handy household robots._ " The cheery voice said.

"That is indeed a relief!" Thor smiled. "Whenever I am on Midgard, I worry for my pet wolves and goats, how they must miss me and whether my friends and my mother are taking good care of them."

"You have pet wolves?" Maria asked.

"Well of course." Thor looked confused. "Is that not the typical domesticated animal you keep in Midgard?"

"No..." Maria shook her head slowly. " _Pretty_ sure that's an Asgard thing."

" _You'll never get bored on your journey, because your car's holographic gaming technology keeps you in touch with everybody back home_." The cheery voice said.

"Wow." Steve's eyes widen. "I _gotta_ get Stark to modify my bike. Or maybe I should get a drivers license, get a car and tell Tony to modify it."

"I gotta admit, that would make for a pretty awesome car journey." Sam let out a laugh.

"Oh yeah." Steve nodded. "I'm _so_ doing that before I probably die in Captain America: Civil War."

"Yeah. So am I." Sam looked at the screen in awe. The photos of him and Steve were now flying into outer space.

" _You're outta this world!_ " The cheery voice said. " _And into the future!_ " Sam and Steve laughed again at the silly faces they pulled. " _The end. Or should I say the_ _ **beginning**. Of **your** future._ " The video ended.

"Damn." Steve said. "I _really_ want that to be my future."

"So do I, Cap." Sam said.

" _So here's to the next 30,000 years on Spaceship Earth. While no one knows for sure what we'll see or do, I do know it will be quite an adventure. An adventure that we'll take **and** make together. See you in the future!_ "

"Alright! Welcome back, time travelers..." A Cast Member said, but was interrupted by Thor's booming voice.

"See, Lady Maria?! That nice lady said we are time travelers, how are we not?"

"Because she was just adding to the experience of the ride, Thor." Maria said through gritted teeth. "It's called 'Disney Magic'."

"Please watch your step as you exit the ride vehicle." The Cast Member finished. The Avengers all crowded out of their ride vehicles and followed other tourists down a path.

"Is everyone here?" Maria asked, looking around. "Oh my God..." She began to panic. "Clint!" She shouted. "Has anyone seen Clint?!" Natasha pointed to the side of Maria. Maria looked and saw Clint waving back at her. "Clint, don't do that..."

"Maria, I haven't got my aids on. Wait." He said, fiddling with the little devices in his ears. "That's better..." He winced when he heard lots of noise from talking guests. "Ow." He gasped under his breath. The Avengers kept walking and saw a screen with a map and pictures of random people who had been on the ride. "I see you, Tasha!" Clint pointed at the photo of Natasha that had just appeared.

"Yeah, well, I see you too, Clint!" Clint's photo had popped up beside Natasha's. "Clint!" Natasha laughed when she saw that in his photo, Clint's lips were puckered, as if he was giving a kiss.

"There's Bucky-above Clint!" Steve said. "He's laughing!"

"And Steve, you're below Natasha." The photos then disappeared into the map and new photos popped up.

"I see Bruce and Tony-they're in the Pacific and one's above the other!" Bucky pointed at the pictures, which also disappeared into the map.

"There's Thor-with his arms up!" Tony laughed.

"Sam's under Thor and he's sticking his tongue out!" Clint said between laughs.

"And there's Maria!" Sam said excitedly. "She's above me!" The Avengers laughed at their photos before they disappeared onto the map.

"Alright, let's go now." Maria directed the Avengers to the exit.

"But the Midgardian computer generated games..." Thor whined.

"That's right, Point Break." Tony said, "They _are_ computer generated. But we just call them video games."

"But the Midgardian video games..." Thor whined.

"Come on. There's more to Epcot than this." Natasha said. "There's even free soda at Club Cool."

"Yeah." Clint agreed. "And _nothing's_ ever free at Disney World."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spaceship Earth. I dedicated a chapter to it because it's the icon of Epcot. I also self referenced quite a bit because, why not?  
> I released this now because I have joyous news-I am to be returning to the wonderful world of Walt Disney World Resort in September. Next chapter, we'll be catching up with the Coulsons.


	11. The Age of Not Believing

As Maria led the Avengers out of Spaceship Earth, Thor looked at all the video games longingly. In particular, the 3D human body jigsaw that was near the exit.

"Ah, God!" Tony cried out, fumbling around for his sunglasses. "That sun's blinding!"

"You're telling me." Clint scoffed as he put his sunglasses on.

"Clint!" Natasha said. "Those are your Hawkeye glasses, we're not working now."

"Yeah, man." Tony frowned. "I spent _ages_ tricking those glasses out for you..."

"Adding a targeting system is _not_ tricking out..."

"What if you leave them on Soarin'?"

"I will _not_ leave them on Soarin', Tony."

"Clint, we're getting you a cap."

"Yeah?" Steve asked.

"Not 'cap' as in you, Cap, but 'cap' as in... Hat." Tony sighed.

"If you call him Steve, it avoids this confusion." Bucky smiled.

"We're getting you a hat too, Bucky." Tony said.

"But... I'm wearing a hat."

"And it's a _Mets_ hat, good for you." Natasha began. "But you _need_ a Disney World hat."

"Hey, Maria!" Tony called out. "We're going to Mouse Gear!"

"Where's _that_?" Maria asked.

"Just there." Tony shrugged and pointed to the Mouse Gear shop just ahead of them.

"Well hot damn." Maria muttered to herself. "Yes, we can go. Surprised you want Disney merch, really." Tony just grinned.

"I am very much enjoying this music." Thor said. "It is somewhat relaxing, yet... Exciting at the same time."

"New Age music, Thor." Sam said. "Some of it's alright. I'm not really into all that."

"What music do you like then, Friend Bird?"

"Sam. My name's Sam and we've been over this."

"He likes Marvin Gaye." Steve said.

"Hey, I like _other_ artists too, you know."

"Like who?"

"Like contemporary artists. Imagine Dragons. Jay-Z. And The Who."

"Pretty sure The Who don't count as 'contemporary', Sam." Steve smiled.

"And how would _you_ know, Mister Frozen in Ice for Seventy Years?" Sam smirked and raised his eyebrow. "Frankie Vallie's alright too."

"Frankie Vallie?"

" _Oh what a night_

_Late December back in '63_

_What a very special time for me_

_I remember, what a night_!"

"Wow you can sing, Sam." Bucky laughed in surprise.

"Don't be so surprised, Buck." Sam shook his head. "I may be a soldier-turned-superhero, but I let go too, you know, relax?"

"Yeah, you and Tasha have your dancing, I have my drawing and boxing, Tony has his robots..."

"Dum-E, Butterfingers and U." Sam chuckled at the names. "I just love saying their names."

"Bruce has his nursing, Thor presumably does things in Asgard..."

"Indeed!" Thor boomed. "I go into glorious battle!"

"And that relaxes you?" Sam asked.

"Indeed." Thor nodded. "And after battle, we return home and feast, telling wondrous stories of battle to those who missed out on the glory of going to fight."

"Uh-huh..." Sam hisses though gritted teeth.

"So anyway, Wanda and Pietro play video games, Strange meditates, T'Challa goes jogging and Clint has his... Archery."

"I don't do archery _all_ the time, Cap." Clint snorted.

"What _do_ you do to relax then, Clint?"

"I walk my dog."

"You have a dog?"

"Yeah. His name's Lucky and he likes pizza*."

"He's that one eyed Labrador of yours, isn't he?" Natasha asked and Clint nodded.

"Who's looking after him while you're here, then?" Steve asked.

"My neighbor." Clint shrugged nonchalantly. "Her kids adore Lucky. He's a great dog."

"Alright, what about The Vision, then?" Bucky asked.

"What _about_ The Vision? He's a robot, robots don't _need_ downtime." Steve scoffed.

"Guys, you wanted to shop?" Maria stood at the entrance to the Mouse Gear shop with her arms folded over her Toy Story** t-shirt.

"Yeah, we'll be there now." Steve said, absently.

Tony came out of the shop, carrying a bag. "Who wants hats?!" He cried out.

Natasha walked up to Tony and looked in the bag. "Are you mad-no scratch that, I know you are-but Tony, there's no way in _hell_ I'm wearing... This." She pulled out a pink Disney Princess themed Mickey ear hat from the bag.

"Who says it's for you?" Tony shrugged. "That's for Maria-kins over here."

"Oh no, Stark." Maria shook her head furiously. "I'm not wearing that _monstrosity_ either."

"You said you wanted Disney World hats." Tony whined. "I bought all these for you..."

"And nine Mickey Mouse ear hats at..." Natasha examined the price tag. "$13.95 each is _really_ gonna make a dent in the Stark fortune, isn't it?"

"Uh... Yes." Tony answered.

"My friends!" Thor called out. "Look at that water fountain!" He cried, pointing at the Fountain of Nations in front of them. "It appears to be putting on a show to the battle music."

"Not spectacular exactly, Thor." Clint said. "The Fountain of Nations puts on a show like this every 15 minutes."

"And while we have your attention, Point Break," Tony began, noticing Thor's enchantment to the fountain. "Sort of." He shrugged. "Here's _your_ ear hat." Tony thrust a Goofy themed Mickey ear hat into Thor's hands.

"I shall cherish it always, Man of Iron!" Thor threw his arms around Tony.

"Someone, remind me to build a Thorbuster armor!" Tony choked out.

"I am heartily sorry, my friend." Thor said, setting Tony down gently.

"Thanks, Thor." Tony nodded appreciatively. He pulled a Minnie Mouse headband from the bag and handed it to Natasha. " _This_ is for _you_." She took it and examined it.

"I guess this headband isn't so bad." She sighed. "Thank you, Tony."

"Bruce, this is for you." Tony handed Bruce an Oswald the Lucky Rabbit themed Mickey ears.

"At least it's not Cinderella." Bruce rolled his eyes as he examined the hat. "Oh, look at that." He shook his head. "Monogrammed as 'Hulk', however did you think of that?"

"Hey!" Tony protested. "Just be grateful that 'enormous, green rage monster' didn't fit on there." He turned to Natasha. "And that one actually cost me $16.95."

"You know, he's right, Bruce." Clint said. "And at least he didn't add 'smash' to the end."

Tony pulled another hat out of the bag. "This one's for Cap-as a sort of peace offering." Steve snatched the hat and looked it over.

"It's just a normal Mickey Mouse hat." Steve blinked after staring blankly at the hat and looked to Tony.

"Yeah, I felt bad about your dislocated shoulder. I'm not 100% a dick, you know."

"That's Star Lord's line."*** Steve raised an eyebrow.

"Whatever. Are you gonna wear it?"

"Bucky, can you help-" Steve began. Bucky took the hat from his hands and pulled the elastic, gently slipping the hat on Steve's head. Steve rubbed his hand over the hat, adjusting it.

"Good?"

"Good. But I'm still not your friend right now, Tony."

"That's right, I forgot. You preferred my father."

"He helped create me, Tony, in a way, that makes him the father of Captain America too!"

The two men stood toe to toe, staring at each other, each daring the other to make the first move. Steve was wearing Mickey Mouse ear hat. Just thought I'd mention that.

"Civil War!" Sam cried out, grabbing Steve's arm, while Natasha dived on Tony's arms and Clint wrestled the bag out of Tony's hand.

"No fighting!" Maria said loudly. Both Steve and Tony's heads snapped to face her. "Please. You did so well earlier this morning. This is still Disney World. Just because this park is more adult oriented, doesn't mean you can lash out at each other here."

"Wait..." Tony tried-and failed-to release himself from Natasha's grip. " _How_ is it more adult oriented?"

"They have a pub crawl..."

"Oh, _now_ you've done it." Clint shook his head.

"Yeah. That man's a perpetual alcoholic-it's all over the fucking tabloids, Maria." Natasha rolled her eyes.

"Well I don't read tabloids. No value." Maria shrugged.

"Maybe you _should_ if they involve Tony Stark." Sam scoffed.

"Alright, Natasha, let him go." Maria sighed. Natasha grunted angrily as she let go of Tony's arms. Following Natasha's lead, Sam loosened his grip on Steve's wrist.

"Who's this for?" Clint sighed, taking a Dumbo eat hat out of the bag.

"You." Tony said bluntly.

"Oh ha ha." Clint said sarcastically. "It's because I was brought up in the circus, isn't it?"

Tony blinked blankly at Clint. "I didn't know that."

"Oh." Clint muttered softly. "Hold this, Nat." He handed the hat to Natasha, who grabbed it by the elastic strap. He took another hat out of the bag-Buzz Lightyear. "Who's this for then?"

"Sam." Tony said. "Because of their jet pack wing things, I thought they could be like... Kindred spirits or something."

"I'm guessing this one's yours." Clint rolled his eyes and handed Tony an R2D2 themed hat.

"And you guessed right."

"So that means this normal Mickey ear hat belongs to Bucky?"

"Yeah. I didn't think they'd understand like... Ariel or Perry the Platypus, so I got them plain Mickey ears."

"There's still one left."

"Yeah, I got it for Fury."

"And you _really_ think he'll appreciate _this_?" Clint took the last hat from the bag-it was one themed around Pirates of the Caribbean.

"No _way_ am I carrying that around!" Maria shouted.

"You know he'd just kill you for that, right? Like there and then." Sam shrugged.

"What was that shrug for?" Tony asked.

"Just saying, it's _your_ funeral."

"Sam's exactly right, Tony." Natasha folded her arms. "Now get rid of _it_ , before I get rid of _you_."

* * *

Over at Hollywood Studios, Phil Coulson and his children were waiting for the next showing of the Disney Junior show. Though he preferred his kids watch _Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood_ , _Sesame Street_ and _Arthur_ , Phil also let them watch other shows on other channels. The channel they loved most after _PBS Kids_ was Disney Junior. Max loved Jake and the Neverland Pirates and Dana-predictably-loved Sofia the First.

"Daddy, is it gonna start soon?" Dana asked.

"Yes." Phil said, playing with his phone. Yes, he _had_ taken this vacation to spend time with his kids, but he didn't really care about kids TV shows.

"Dad, what's it gonna be like?" Max asked.

"Puppets, I think." Phil said absently.

"Like _Sesame Street_?" Dana cocked her head. Phil couldn't help but smile.

"Yeah. I think so."

"Which Disney characters will be in it, Daddy?"

"The map says Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Doc McStuffins, Sofia the First and Jake and the Neverland Pirates." Phil said.

"Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!" Dana bounced around excitedly, while Max pulled at Phil's Donald Duck t-shirt.

"Kids, calm down, it's just puppets."

"But, Daddy." Dana looked up at Phil, sadly. "I love Sofia."

"I know you do. And we'll go meet her after this is done-and we'll do the same with Jake, Max."

"I can't wait!" Max shouted. "I wanna meet Jake!"

" _After_ we see the show." Phil said firmly. "And then we're going to see the Little Mermaid show..."

"Yay!" Dana squealed.

"And then we're gonna meet Hiro and Baymax from Big Hero 6." Phil finished. He winced when he heard his kids screaming loudly and was _very_ grateful when the show started.

* * *

"Lady Maria, Friend Clint, what is this contraption and how does it give free drinks?" Thor asked. The Avengers were all in Club Cool, getting free sodas from around the world. The only one who couldn't figure out how the soda dispenser worked was Thor. He was still convinced it was magic.

"You put your cup here, under the tap, and then you press the button." Clint said as he gave a demonstration.

"Does this dispense Asgardian mead?"

"No, Thor." Maria shook her head. "Only earth-Midgard drinks."

"Hey, Point Break!" Tony shouted. "Try the Beverly!"

"Tony! That's cruel!" Bruce held back his sniggers.

"Shh!" Tony brought his finger to his mouth and held in his laughter as they watched Thor pour himself a drink of Beverly.

"You think he'll drink it?"

"'S what I'm hoping." Tony laughed softly as Thor downed the Beverly like a shot.

"By Odin!" Thor shouted and everyone turned to look at him. "This is quite possibly the worst thing I have _ever_ had the misfortune of tasting!" Thor put his hand out, as if to summon his hammer. Before he could, however, Natasha walked in front of him.

"Thor, calm down. It's just a drink."

"But, Lady Natasha..." He whined. "It is _too_ bitter!"

"Yeah." Steve raised his eyebrows. "It's an experience, all right.." He scoffed and poured himself another drink of a different soda.

"Thor, just try another flavor soda, before you level this place." Maria thrust another cardboard cup into Thor's hand.

"If you insist, Lady Maria..." Thor poured himself another soda.

* * *

The soda tastings session didn't last long, however, since Thor went hyperactive from all the soda he'd downed.

"Any idea how to calm him down?" Tony asked as the Avengers all walked towards Future World East and tourists were staring at Thor, who was bouncing around like a child and singing.

"None at all." Maria shook her head in despair.

"I could shoot him with my sedative arrow." Clint suggested.

"But you left your bow and quiver in your hotel room." Natasha pointed out.

"If I had superpowers like the rest of you, they would be the ability to teleport places where I left my bow and quiver." Clint smiled. Thor bumped into Steve, who quickly clutched his injured shoulder.

"Watch it, Thor!" Steve shouted. "Or do I need to carry my shield on me at all times?"

"If you carried your shield, Friend Captain, I would not yield." Thor said smugly.

"What the fuck, Thor?" Bucky asked.

"When you would _throw_ your shield, I also would fail to yield."

"Oh no." Steve whispered and his eyes widened in horror.

" _When Captain America throws his mighty shield_!" Thor sang loudly.

"Oh God, no..." Steve buried his head in his hand.

" _All those who chose to oppose his shield must yield!_

_If he is lead to a fight and a duel is due_

_Then the red and the white and the blue will come through!_

_When Captain America throws his mighty shield_!"

"Thor, are you quite done?" Maria asked.

"Indeed, Lady Maria." Thor nodded. "Man of Iron, are you aware you have a song too?"

"You don't say, Thor, I..."

" _Tony Stark makes you feel_

 _He is a cool exec with a heart of steel_!" Thor sang loudly, cutting Tony off.

" _As Iron Man, all jets ablaze_!

_He is fighting and smiting with repulsor rays!_

_Amazing armor_! _That's Iron Man_!

 _A blazing power_! _That's Iron Man_!"

"... Prefer Black Sabbath, actually." Tony finished. "Seriously, who came up with that shit?"

"At least I'm not the only one to be humiliated!" Steve laughed Tony glared at him.

"And you too, Friend Banner!"

"No, Thor!" Everyone shouted.****

"There's been enough embarrassment of Avengers here today."

" _Spider Man_! _Spider Man_!

 _Does whatever a spider can_!"

"Here, suck on this!" Tony pulled a small Mickey Mouse lollipop from his backpack.

"This is a most interesting item, Man of Iron." Thor examined the lollipop. "May I take it back to Asgard for analysis?"

"There's nothing to analyze." Tony shook his head. "You take off the plastic wrapper, put it in your mouth and suck it. That's why you call it a sucker."

"Tony, you idiot." Maria hissed. "Now he's gonna be even _more_ hyperactive!"

"Hey, as long as he's not embarrassing us, it's fine." Tony shrugged as Thor put the lollipop in his mouth.

" _When Captain America throws his mighty shield_!" Thor sang mumbled and loudly, prompting a loud groan from Steve and a hearty laugh from Bucky.

"I guess nothing will shut him up." Tony said. "We just have to wait for him to come down off his sugar crash."

"Then let's _not_ take him on Journey into Imagination." Sam scoffed. "He'd _never_ stop singing that imagination One Little Spark song."

"I know what'll calm him down." Natasha said happily. "Living With the Land!"

"Why will _that_ calm him down?" Steve asked.

"Because, Steve, it's so dull it can put you to sleep." She explained. "If it can put _you_ to sleep, it'll calm down a hyperactive demi-God on a sugar rush."

"Then we'd better go." Bruce said urgently. "Before he starts singing _my_ old theme song."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the first thing I should mention is that these songs are real and they're on YouTube.  
> The second, nobody really likes the Beverly at Epcot, it's horrible and bitter and just not nice in general. I thought about what Thor's reaction would be and that was the result.  
> The third, I really like those Mickey ear hats and all the ones I mentioned are totally available, either online or on the Internet somewhere.  
> Fourth, yay! The first mentions of Doctor Strange and The Vision!  
> Fifth, I don't own the Avengers, or Spiderman or the song December 1963 by Frankie Vallie and the Four Seasons.  
> And finally, Coulson has little kids. Yes he'll be watching and meeting Disney Jr characters.
> 
> *From Matt Fraction and David Aja's 2012-2015 Hawkeye run. Clint owns a dog named Lucky who he rescued from a bunch of east Europeans with track suits who kicked the poor thing into traffic, causing him to lose his eye. Check out the comics if you haven't already done so.  
> **Pretend that Joss Whedon didn't co-write Toy Story in the Avengers universe. Or that he did and Avengers isn't a movie. Or that Whedon doesn't exist or something. Or that he did write Toy Story and the Avengers, since the characters are aware they're movie/comic book characters anyway. But yeah. Joss Whedon co-wrote Toy Story.  
> ***In the Guardians of the Galaxy movie, Star Lord sends a message to Nova Corps officer Rhomann Dey saying he 'may be an a hole, but isn't 100% a dick". Nova Prime Irani Rael asked "do you believe that?" to which Dey replied "I don't believe anyone's 100% a dick, Ma'am." So technically not Star Lord who said it, but he sent the message, so who really cares?  
> ****They stop Thor from singing the Hulk's song because it's so embarrassing. Seriously. When I first saw it, I laughed for half an hour straight and thought I was going to die.


	12. Listen to the Land

"Wow." Thor said, looking around. "This place is amazing."

"Yup." Maria agreed. Though she had been to Disney World before on assignment with Coulson, she never had been inside The Land before.

"And now you're gonna learn all about the amazing Midgard farming." Natasha smiled.

"Incredible!" Thor boomed. "My friends on Asgard would love to learn of farming conventions on Midgard!"

* * *

**Over on Asgard**

"Heimdall." Sif and the Warriors Three walked over to the all seeing guard of Asgard. "How is Thor, now he is on Midgard?" She asked.

"He is in a strange land." Heimdall replied.

"What about this land is strange?" Fandral asked.

"Some of the mortals there seem to have large black ears protruding from their heads." A puzzled look fell on everyone's faces. "And there also appears to be much royalty. I cannot see who is king or queen of this land."

"Is Thor in danger?" Hogun asked. "If so, we are more than prepared to go..."

"No, Hogun." Heimdall said, interrupting Hogun. "Thor seems to be enjoying this strange land."

"Heimdall, might we enquire the name of this land?"

"Indeed you may, Volstagg. It is called Walt Disney World."

* * *

**Back on Midgard**

"Brother!" A voice shouted from the line for Living with the Land. Loki's. "Join me!"

"I don't trust Loki at all." Maria shook her head.

"Me either." Clint said quickly. "He was inside my head. I am _not_ doing _anything_ with him."

"He's here with the aim of taking over Disney World with the Chitauri again or..." Steve narrowed his eyes.

"No, Captain Rogers, I am here with my girlfriend." Loki smirked.

"Girlfriend?" Thor asked.

"Indeed, Brother. She is mortal, also" He beckoned for a girl to come over.

"S'up."

"Darcy?" Thor asked.

"Darcy?" Clint repeated. "I don't remember seeing _her_ at all in the comics..."

"Friend Clint, this is because she is not in our comicbooks." Thor replied. He turned to Darcy. "What happened to your Ian?"

"Oh, he's English." She replied flippantly. "A long term relationship wouldn't work out."

"But Loki is of another realm!" Thor whined.

"Yeah, but it's what people like." Darcy countered. "For some reason."

"Might I just inquire what happened to your arm, Captain Rogers?" Loki asked.

"No." Steve growled, grabbing the strap of his sling. "You may _not_." Bucky looked down sheepishly.

"Then might I inquire who the two men I have never seen before are?"

"Bucky." Steve pointed to Bucky. "Sam." He pointed to Sam. "And they're my best friends."

"It's cute that you are not afraid of me any more."

"Yeah well... Ultron's worse than you." Natasha scoffed. "He's a homicidal, genocidal robot intent on _destroying_ mankind. No offense, but you're just a jealous, sexist god who wants to _rule_ mankind."

"Tasha's right." Clint shrugged. "Though you took over my damn mind and killed one of my best friends-as well as eighty other people in two days-you really pose little threat to mankind as a whole." Loki let out a low growl.

"How many in your party?" The cast member asked.

"Eleven." Maria replied.

"Five in row three, Six in row four." The Cast Member directed the Avengers to their rows. "Oh and can I get a picture?" She asked, taking out her phone.

"Wow! Iron Man, Captain America, Bucky , Thor and Loki! Hanging out with ordinary humans!"

"Excuse me?!" Bruce, Clint, Natasha, Sam and Maria asked.

"I'm Hawkeye!" Clint protested. " _Nobody_ can shoot an arrow like me!"

"Hulk smash!" Bruce shook his head. "Unbelievable."

"I'm Falcon! You _should_ recognize me, I'm the only black guy in this group!" Sam folded his arms angrily. "Well... African American. Who _isn't_ friends with Tony Stark."

"Female super-soldier Black Widow!" Natasha rolled her eyes.

"And I'm not an 'ordinary human' either. I'm Agent Maria Hill of SHIELD and I'm the handler of Avengers!" Maria scoffed.

"And I am _not_ an Avenger, I..."

"Shut up, Loki. We all know." Tony snapped. He turned to the Cast Member. "My teammates are just as important as I am, or Cap is. In some cases, they're _more_ important. Just like the ones that aren't here, like Black Panther, The Vision, War Machine and Doctor Strange." He shrugged. " _Someone_ had to guard the earth while we were here."

"Sorry." The Cast Member said, though not really meaning it.

" _Let it go, let it go_!" Darcy sang as the boat arrived and the gates opened.

"She's right, you know." Steve sighed.

"Yeah, I know." Natasha grunted. She, Clint, Maria, Steve and Bucky sat in the third row, while Darcy, Loki, Thor, Tony, Bruce and Sam sat in the fourth.

* * *

Living with the Land went with no problems to speak of. When the Avengers disembarked the ride, they did it happily. For once.

"Where are you going next, Brother?" Loki asked.

"Soarin'." Thor replied happily. "I am told it is an attraction which gives the sensation of flying."

"That's where _we're_ going too!" Darcy said excitedly.

"Have you got FastPass+?" Clint asked.

"Yes and it's for 12." Darcy smiled.

"Ours is for 12:15." Natasha checked her phone.

"Then we shall wait for you and go together."

"Shall we go get something to eat then?" Maria asked. "And no eating 70 bucks worth of food, Thor. It's $10 maximum for each person, _not_ $10 minimum."

"Yeah, Sunshine Seasons sells crap that we'd all like." Tony shrugged. "Even vegetarian shit for Bruce."

"Ooh! The Tamarind Vegan Stir-Fry sounds good." Bruce said.

"Are you shitting me?" Tony folded his arms. "It sounds stuck up."

"Says the billionaire." Bruce frowned.

"Alright!" Maria said loudly. "Let's _not_ get angry! This is the _Happiest_ Place on Earth!" She turned to Tony. "And Stark, stop picking fights with everyone."

"Yeah, Tony, please." Natasha sighed. "You know, I'm just gonna have the chili and a brownie."

"I want the brownie too!" Clint whined. "But I want the chowder!"

"I'll have... What's the most expensive menu item?" Tony asked.

"Slow roasted pork chop with cheddar mashed potatoes and barbecue sauce." Maria said without pause. Tony looked at her in confusion. "Being an agent of the Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement and Logistics Division, Mr. Stark, I can say seemingly complicated things quickly. And no, you're _not_ having the slow roasted pork chop with cheddar mashed potato and barbecue sauce. It's thirteen dollars." Tony opened his mouth in shock. "You're having the five bean vegetable soup."

"Are you gonna decide what I eat too, Maria?" Sam asked.

"No, you can have whatever you want under ten dollars."

"Alright. Then I want..." Sam grunted thoughtfully. "I want the tiramisu and... And I want a cupcake." Maria looked at him questioningly. "What?" He shrugged. "It's _under_ ten bucks."

"Yes..." Maria said. "So it is. Now what about Bucky? What do you want?"

"I want..." Bucky and Steve exchanged glances.

"Maria, we don't know what any of this pretentious food is." Steve said.

"So get the salmon." Tony scoffed.

"Tony, that's on the _kids_ menu." Steve attempted to fold his arms. "Ow."

"Nobody'll care, Stark." Maria said in monotone. "So one vegetarian-"

"Vegan." Bruce corrected.

"- _Vegan_ -stir fry." Maria sighed and gave Bruce the stink eye. "For Bruce. Two brownies, one chowder for Clint, one chili for Natasha, one vegetable soup for Tony, one tiramisu and one cupcakes for Sam, two salmons for Steve and Bucky. What are you having, Thor?"

"This menu looks delectable, Lady Maria!" Thor shouted. "I shall have one of each item on it!"

"Ah! No you won't!" Maria wagged her finger at the demi-god, causing a chuckle from Loki. "You will pick and choose something off this menu that is _under_ ten dollars like the rest of us!"

"Then I choose..."

"Actually, I'm choosing for you, Thor. You will have the chicken leg."

"A fine choice for me!" Thor smiled. "I shall enjoy the meaty selection very much!"

"Yeah, I'm sure you will."

"Good. I'm gonna go get the stuff now. Go pick out a table."

"Maria, must I choose menu items under ten dollars, also?" Loki asked.

"No. You're not with us. Go nuts."

As Maria, Loki and Darcy went to choose their food, the Avengers went to choose a table.

"Why is it so dark in here?" Clint moaned.

"Because you're still wearing your sunglasses?" Natasha suggested. "Take them off, Clint. You're not Matt Murdock."

"If I was, I'd not be deaf." Clint muttered as he took his sunglasses off. "Or called Hawk _eye_."

"Never mind, Clint." Tony said. "You go blind in the comics."

"No I don't. I got a bone marrow transplant from my brother to counter the..."

"Nobody cares, Clint and Tony." Bruce sighed.

"So is Daisy Johnson about in the MCU?" Bucky asked, running his finger around in a circle absently on the table.

"I don't know." Steve said, leaning his cheek in the palm of his good hand. "I'm sure we would've heard about a girl who could generate earthquakes."

"I think I _have_ heard of her..." Clint murmured. "Think she goes by Skye though."

"Black Bolt?"

"Haven't heard anything."

"Hmm..." Bucky flopped back in his seat.

"Guys, shh!" Sam leaned forward in his chair. "Did you hear that?"

"Hear what?" Natasha asked. "All I heard was mindless chatter and crying kids. And I can _still_ hear them."

"It's kind of... Weird." Sam said. "I mean, it sounded like a bang. But nobody seemed to notice it."

"A plate clattering, probably." Tony threw himself back in his chair, waving Sam off. "Y'know, nothing."

"Is it nothing?" Sam asked. "Is it _really_ nothing? Because I'm pretty sure I haven't seen _those_ costumed weirdos about before." He pointed at a tall, muscular figure wearing jeans and a grey shirt with one sleeve, accompanied by a smaller, leaner figure who was wearing a red and black jumpsuit and a mask. Both were carrying an obscene amount of weapons and wearing an even more obscene amount of pouches.

"Bucky, is that you... But from the future?" Steve asked, putting the palm of his good hand flat on the table and pushing himself up, slightly.

"No. Why?" Bucky asked.

"Well, he has your arm." Steve flicked his hand towards the taller man who had an arm similar to Bucky's.

"Shit, Bucky, he _does_!" Natasha suppressed her laughter.

"Look! It's Captain America and Thor!" The masked man said.

"Is that... Ninja Spider Man?" Clint asked.

"What? No!" The masked man said. "Hawkeye, it's me! Deadpool! We teamed up together for a five issue comic run, Hawkeye vs Deadpool, for Halloween last year-but it ran into January..."

"Yeah, I get it." Clint said through gritted teeth.

"And this is my time traveling partner, X Force teammate and buddy, Cable. Nathan Summers? Nathan Dayspring Askani'Son...? What the fuck do you go by?" Deadpool asked, looking to his friend.

"I've told you before, Cable is fine." He replied in monotone.

"We're looking for a guy." Deadpool said.

"Loki?" Tony asked. "He's over buying food with his girlfriend."

"No, he looks a bit like Skeletor from _He-Man_..." Deadpool began.

Cable elbowed him and shot him a look. "He goes by the name Taskmaster."

"No. Not seen him." Tony replied.

"But you're X Men, right?" Sam asked. Cable and Deadpool nodded. "You're in the wrong cinematic universe. This is the _Marvel_ _Cinematic Universe._ The one where X Men aren't allowed to be mentioned under penalty of... Lawsuit."

"Oh..." Cable looked away awkwardly, while Deadpool scratched the back of his neck.

"This is awkward. Uh... Yeah. Sorry for the intrusion just... Forget we were here." Deadpool rambled.

"Trust me, that's the most sense my pal's spoken in... Ever really." Cable chuckled awkwardly. "Uh... Yeah. Bodyslide by two." The two disappeared as quickly as they arrived, leaving everyone at the table puzzled.

"What... The hell was that?" Bucky asked.

"I don't know." Steve shook his head.

"Transdimensional travel, though." Bruce smiled. "I just wonder how it's done."

"Yeah..." Tony agreed. Steve relaxed in his seat and the team briefly sat in silence.

" _When Captain America throws his mighty shield_!" Thor began to sing, getting groans from everyone in the group.

* * *

After finishing the meal, everyone headed off towards Soarin.

"Lady Maria, I feel like I did not gain enough sustenance from that chicken leg." Thor whined. "It was very small and unsatisfying and I'm still hungry."

"Not my problem, Thor." Maria said as the 11 of them walked down to meet the line.

"Pretty lights." Bucky muttered, admiring the neon lights adorning the wall.

"Bucky, you're a grown ass man." Tony said. "There's nothing fascinating about neon lights. And while we're on the subject of being grown up, _stop_ calling yourself Bucky!"

"Fine then. Call me James. Or Winter Soldier." Bucky snarled.

"Or 'can't be a villain because is future Captain America', perhaps?." Clint shrugged.

"Clint." Natasha said warningly.

"What?!" Clint chuckled. "People call him a villain!"

"Yeah. They do." Steve agreed. "He's not a villain. He's a victim of Hydra. Like the rest of us."

"Yeah, but SHIELD's fine now. Fury's got it back on track." Maria said. Natasha and Clint exchanged knowing smiles that it wasn't always that way.

"May we talk about something else?" Loki asked. "I just do not wish to engage in discourse about your-your 'shield'." He said, making quotations in the air. "Please shut up about it."

"Kinda hard when we all work for SHIELD, Loki." Tony said.

"Uh... Only Clint, Maria, Steve and I are SHIELD agents, the rest of you are independent contractors. We hire you to work for us to dispatch threats..."

"So... You see us as mercenaries?" Bruce asked.

"More like bounty hunters." Maria nodded.

"But that would imply us getting paid." Tony raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah?" Maria turned to face Tony. "And so would mercenary." Tony looked away. "Thought so."

"How many in your party?" A Cast Member asked.

"Eleven." Maria replied without hesitation.

"Uh..." The Cast Member paused. "Just Mickey head to Mickey head and head on down Concourse Two."

Tony lagged behind and waited behind Thor, who was still hesitant to put the Mickey head on his MagicBand up to the glowing Mickey orb. "Come on, Thor, Donald, whatever name you prefer." Tony muttered, grabbing Thor's wrist and pressing it to the orb. "Even your brother managed it." Tony pushed Thor away and pressed his own MagicBand to the orb.

"That's because Loki isn't easily fascinated by the smallest of things." Maria said. "If he was, well... You guys wouldn't know each other."

"Well... We would." Steve said, pointing back and forth to himself and Bucky.

"No." Maria shook her head. "You would have _known_ each other, not presently _know_ each other..."

"It's a bigger picture I guess..." Steve began.

"So no Loki, no Ultron...?" Bruce asked.

"Uh..." Maria hummed thoughtfully. "I guess you can look at it that way, Bruce... Uh... Yeah."

"Alright, no more talk of villains at all, so that means no Red Room for you, Romanoff, no Trick Shot for you, Barton, no Abomination for you, Banner, no Iron Monger or Mandarin or Justin Hammer for you, Stark, no Red Skull or Crossbones for you, Cap-"

"Crossbones hasn't happened yet, Maria." Steve said. Maria ignored him.

"-And above all... No Hydra." She looked at all the Avengers sternly.

"Alright. No Hydra." Tony grunted. "God."

"Why no villain talk? _Or_ fighting?" Maria asked, as if to drive the point home.

"Because this is the Happiest Place on Earth." Tony and Steve recited in a bored manner.

"Good." Maria narrowed her eyes. "Glad you finally get it. I mean, it took you two days and a hospital visit, but..."

"I would just like to reiterate that that wasn't me. That was Robot Arm."

"Wow. You call _him_ Capsicle or Spangles-" Natasha began.

"Depending on my mood." Tony smirked. Natasha carried on talking.

"Thor, Point Break, Bruce a 'Gigantic Green Rage Monster', Loki, Reindeer Games, Clint, Bird Brain, but you _couldn't_ come up with something better than 'Robot Arm' for Bucky?"

"No?" Tony shrugged. "Does it matter?"

"I just noticed Maria, you forgot to mention Ultron, or does he not matter as much as Hydra does?" Clint asked.

"I thought that went _without_ saying." Maria sighed.

"I guess not." Tony pulled a baggie of trail mix from his backpack and threw a handful in his mouth. "Oh, where _are_ my manners? Does anyone want any?" Tony asked, offering the bag around.

"Tony! Put that shit away! You're in line for a ride!" Maria hissed.

"So?" Tony shrugged flippantly. "I'm not _on_ the ride, am I?" He chuckled before cramming another handful of trail mix in his mouth.

"Tony!" Maria snatched the trail mix from Tony's hands.

"What did I do?"

"You _know_ what you did." Maria stared at Tony who put his hands up in a surrender position.

"Fine. I give up." He opened his backpack up again and took out a bag of mixed nuts. "Anyone want a nut?" He asked.

"Tony!" Everyone said loudly. Natasha took the bag of nuts and put it in her own bag.

"Eew. You're putting _my_ nuts in your fanny pack?" Tony looked at her disgustedly. Natasha shot him a look straight back that said 'make fun of me and I won't hesitate to kill you'. Tony gulped. "Message received, loud and clear."

"Come on. Line's moving." Steve grumbled.

"How many in your party?" Another Cast Member asked.

"Eleven." Maria answered again.

"Alright, four in row one and seven in row two." The Cast Member guided everyone to their rows, but paused when he saw Steve and his arm in a sling. "Will you be okay, to ride, Sir?"

"Of course." Steve replied. "Son, I'm Captain America."

"Steve, not _everyone_ needs to know our not-so-secret identities." Tony rolled his eyes.

"Okay, Captain, row two."

"Thank you." Steve walked over to the row and looked down, seeing red arrows pointing forward. "Have you seen this?" He asked Bucky, who was standing in front of him.

"Yeah, like little arrows." Steve and Bucky chuckled.

"I wonder why nobody's pointed out Bucky's arm before." Natasha wondered as she and Clint observed the two super soldiers from the first row.

"Nobody likes to point out his disability, I guess. It's uncomfortable for all."

"Napa Valley." Thor said, reading from the screen. "Where is that?" He asked. "Monterey Bay." He read the next place name to zoom across the screen. "Where is that, also?"

"Thor, shut up." Maria said.

"Alright everyone!" A cheerful Cast Member called out. "I'd like to welcome you aboard flight 5505, a non-stop, round trip flight to California!"

"Lady Maria, are these places in this California land?"

"Yes." Maria snapped. "Shut up."

"Before you all board this flight, I'd like to take this time to announce a few things..."

"Are we going to this California land now?"

"No, Thor. It's just a ride." Maria sighed. "You said it yourself earlier, it's an attraction that simulates the sensation of flying... Over California. Now do as the Cast Member said and stand on your hang glider, also shut up."

"... Loose fitting shoes, please leave them on the floor in front of you." The cast member continued. "Any carry on items you may have that are too large and/or fragile to put into your seat compartments, please leave them on the floor, the flight attendants will be more than happy to stow them for you. Thank you and have a pleasant flight!"

"Is this San Fransisco also in California?" Thor asked. Maria let out a loud sigh. "I shall take that to mean 'yes'."

"Please do." Maria groaned. She had always prided herself on her mental toughness, but two days into a two week bonding trip with the Avengers and already she could feel herself begin to crack. "Why did I allow Fury to rope me into this?" She muttered to no one in particular.

"Ooh! Lady Maria! Soarin!" Thor cheered in delight watching the graphics change on the screen. The word 'Soarin' appeared on screen, followed by a little red hang glider, which flew around the word. A little yellow band-like a rainbow-went over the word as well. A ping sounded and the graphic was swapped for a man-actor Patrick Warburton-standing in front of a sign that said 'Soarin'.

" _Hello and welcome to Soarin'._ " Patrick Warburton said.

"Thank you, kind gentleman!" Thor shouted back. Everyone laughed and Maria put her head in her hand.

"Lord, give me strength." She muttered.

" _My name is Patrick and I'll be your chief flight attendant for today_." The video showed several people waiting to ride Soarin.

"Hello Patrick! I am Thor, God of Thunder and..." Loki grabbed Thor's arm.

"Brother, what do you think you are doing?" He hissed.

"I am communicating with this kind gentleman..."

"He cannot hear you." Loki raised his eyebrow.

"Is it because he is trapped behind a pane of glass?"

"No, Thor." Darcy said. "It's because this was filmed way, way back in 2001."

"2001?"

"Yeah. That's 14 or 15 years ago."

"What does 'filmed' mean?"

"Ask Stark."

"Alright. I shall, just as soon as this attraction is ended."

" _This includes cameras, purses, hats and of course, these little beauties_." The video showed a man taking off his Mickey Mouse ears and putting them into a pouch below his seat to be almost completely bald. Everyone chuckled.

"Tis just like the hats we Avengers are wearing!" Thor cried out, happily.

" _Next, fasten your seat belts, inserting them into the buckle on your right_." The video showed a close up of someone fastening their seat belt into place.

"I'm probably gonna need help with that." Steve grimaced.

"I'll do it, Steve." Bucky gave a small smile.

"Really?" Steve raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah. I'm with you 'til the end of the line, buddy."

"The more you say that, the less special it becomes." Steve sighed.

"And who said it to snap me out of my brainwashing?"

"That was different you were brainwashed." Steve said.

"Different my ass." Bucky mumbled.

" _Nice work pal!_ " Patrick Warburton gave a kid a thumbs up. _"Soon you will be airborne so if you or your little aviators have a fear of heights or of flying..._ "

"Please!" Tony snorted. "I have a flying suit. My teammate's a flying demi-god. My other teammate's a pilot. None of us have a fear of flying."

"Speak for yourself, Tony." Bruce said timidly.

"There's no _way_ you have a fear of flying, Bruce. You were fine on the helicarrier."

"A helicarrier's different to a hang glider, Tony, you should know that."

" _Okay, let's review_." On the video, Patrick Warburton walked back in front of the Soarin' sign he stood in front of at the start of the video, only this time reading from a flash card. " _That is seat, seat belt, carry on items, safety strap, fear of heights, keep your hands and arms inside at all times, anything else?_ " He put the cards down. " _Oh yeah. Have a nice flight._ "

"Thank you!" Thor shouted as the screen went back to clouds.

"Thor, please, you're giving me a headache." Maria gritted her teeth.

"Alright, row one, follow me, followed by row two and then row three!" The cheery Cast Member called out. Clint waved to Maria as he, Natasha, Bruce and Tony passed.

"I hate them so much." Maria seethed as she followed Tony into the main ride area.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guest Starring:  
> Cable and Deadpool  
> Heimdall the Gatekeeper  
> The Warriors Three-Hogun the Grim, Volstagg the Valiant and Fandral the Dashing  
> Lady Sif  
> Darcy Lewis  
> And Loki.
> 
> Maria's starting to crack under the pressure of babysitting 7 immature superheroes and an immature demi-God. Will the Avengers ever grow up? Or will they remain like Peter Pan, unwilling to ever grow old?


	13. Soarin'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't usually do this at the top, but there's some content further ahead that while not intended to be sexual, could come off as sexual. I can't stress this enough, it's for laughs, not to be erotic. This isn't a 50 Shades of Clint Barton fanfic.

"Thor, you are too easily impressed." Loki sighed, pushing his brother forward. Thor was staring contentedly at the large screen, while Loki and the others tried to find their seats.

"Loki's right now sit down!" Maria hissed as she knelt down and put her shoulder bag into the pouch under her seat. "Keep your bag and then sit down." Thor kept staring at the screen. "Oh for God's sake..." Maria snatched Thor's Mickey Mouse shaped backpack along with his Goofy themed Mickey Mouse ears and shoved them into his under seat pouch.

"Thank you!" Darcy exclaimed. "Yes, he was taking forever!"

"Everyone else besides our row are seated. Now sit down before a Cast Member..." Maria grunted. "You know how to push my buttons, don't you?"

In row one, Natasha, Clint, Bruce and Tony were sitting down and buckled up. They could hear Maria talking angrily to Thor. Clint leaned over to Natasha.

"Wonder what's going on." He said.

"Hell if I know." She shrugged.

"Thor's holding them up." Tony observed. "Having the end seat gives me the better vantage point."

"But Thor's been on the Helicarrier." Bruce pointed out. "This shouldn't exactly seem all that strange and new to him."

"Shh!" Tony smiled. He chuckled to himself as he craned his neck to get a better view.

"What is it...?"

"Bird Brain, I said 'shh', now shh!" Everyone remained silent.

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to take your seat please." They heard a Cast Member say.

"Nobody dares tell the son of Odin what to do!" Thor growled.

"Please sit down, Brother, you're making a scene." Loki said curtly.

"I'm doing no such thing!"

"I hope he's not going to get us all thrown out." Natasha sighed. "Even so, typical Thor."

"Typical Thor my ass." Bruce muttered.

"What's going on, I can't hear." Clint whined.

"I'll tell you later, now shh!" Tony threw Clint a warning glance.

"Sir, please take your seat, we need to start the ride." They heard the Cast Member beg.

"If you don't take your seat, you and your party will be forcibly removed." Another Cast Member said. There was a long pause as Tony narrowed his eyes in anticipation of what Thor would say.

"Fine."

"Thank you, sir." The two Cast Members walked away.

"What happened?" Clint asked.

"Thor wouldn't sit down." Natasha explained. "The Cast Members threatened to have him-and us-thrown off the ride."

"Yikes." Clint chuckled. "Sorted now?"

"Yeah." She nodded. "He's sat down now. And buckled in, I guess."

"Good. The last thing we need is to be thrown off a ride." Clint said. "Maria would lose her shit if we did."

"You got that right, Bird Brain." Tony agreed. "She would get Nick Fury to come pick us up in a quinjet before you could say 'eye patch'. And he'd yell at us about the ghost of Phil Coulson coming back to haunt us on Friday 13th or some shit."

"It's not like he hasn't done that before either." Bruce said quietly.

Back in the second row, Thor was sitting down with his arms folded and his seat belt on, looking like a two year old child about to have a tantrum.

"Thor, you are a god. Please stop acting like a petulant child." Loki hissed.

"And you haven't ever done this, Brother?" Thor hissed back. "What about the events of both of our movies? What about the events of The Avengers-or Marvel Avengers Assemble as it was known in the United Kingdom?"

"I have no clue what you're going on about." Loki shrugged.

"Fourth wall thing. Never mind." Thor sighed.

"Ooh! The lights are dimming, is it about to start?" Steve asked.

"Probably." Sam shrugged. "I don't know, I haven't done this ride before."

" _Soarin' to tower, we are ready for take off_." The disembodied voice of Patrick Warburton called out.

"Hey! It's that guy again!" Bucky called out happily. The ride lifted up with a whoosh, causing him to scream and everyone else in the row to laugh. "Yeah, laugh it up." He muttered.

"Bucky." Sam said between his laughter. "This is Disney World. You're not going to die-now open your eyes and look!" He pointed at the screen, showing scenery of the Golden Gate Bridge. Bucky lowered his flesh hand from his face and stared on in awe.

"Whoa..."

"Steve?" Sam asked, leaning over Bucky. "You okay?"

"Sam, it's beautiful!" Steve announced. "I'm flying!"

"Yeah, you are." Sam leaned back in his seat and smiled to himself.

"Where are we now?" Steve asked as a river with canoeists appeared on screen.

"This is Redwood Creek." Sam said. "No more questions, just enjoy the motion."

"Redwood Creek." Steve muttered.

"This is nice." Darcy said. Her arm was locked onto Loki's and her head was resting on his shoulder.

"Yes, it is." Loki agreed as the scene transitioned into orange groves and hot air balloons.

"Aren't the balloons pretty?" Darcy asked.

"Floating balls?!" Thor shouted suddenly, destroying the moment. "What sorcery is this? Is Stephen Strange involved?!" Instead of glaring at Thor, everyone in the row-and some around-laughed.

"I know someone who doesn't think so." Loki sighed. "Brother, stop. You are making a scene."

Back in the first row, Tony sighed.

"Thor's at it again."

"Yep. I heard." Natasha groaned.

"It's pretty funny though." Tony smirked.

"What's Thor doing?" Clint asked.

"Called the hot air balloons in the last scene 'sorcery'." Bruce explained.

"Well, he's not used to our technology yet?" Clint said. "I don't know."

"He was on the Helicarrier and didn't freak out. That was a _big_ achievement then, considering how terrified he is of our tech." Natasha said as the scene changed to Monterey Bay.

"Hmm. Yeah. Never thought about it like that before." Tony said. "Plus Avengers Tower..."

"Why _wasn't_ he scared of that shit?" Bruce said.

"Come to think of it, why is Loki here?" Clint asked. "We just battled him four days ago."

"Comicbook Logic!" Tony, Bruce and Natasha said in unison.

"Yeah, it's all Comicbook Logic. So you just don't question it." Tony added.

"But you're a scientist, Tony, surely you must..." Clint said desperately.

"Comic. Book. Logic." Tony said firmly.

"Comicbook Logic." Clint gulped. "Got it."

In row 2, Maria was enjoying a well deserved break from the Avengers. Or rather, she was ignoring the hell out of Thor and letting somebody else deal with him for a change.

"Where's that?" Bucky asked, pointing to the screen as the scene changed to skiers, skiing down a snowy mountain.

"Uh... Not sure." Sam replied. I'm sure Google will tell me though."

"I _love_ Google!" Bucky said. "Steve showed me all these old videos of the Howling Commandos all available on _YouTube_ and even his old USO shows-the Star Spangled Man With a Plan? Hilarious. Too bad I was too MIA at that time to enjoy it, but I can enjoy it _now_ , at least..." Bucky gushed.

"It's Lake Tahoe." Sam said in monotone.

"What?" Bucky asked.

"The hang glider moved up. I recognized Lake Tahoe. It's Lake Tahoe." Sam explained as the scenery transitioned to cliffs and waterfalls. " _This_ is Yosemite Park, before you ask."

"Wow, guy, you sure know your California." Darcy said.

"It's a favorite holiday spot." Sam shrugged. "Been to most of the places shown so far."

"I bet Tony Stark knows these places too." Darcy said.

"Oh yeah. He's from here." Sam nodded. "Probably been everywhere in this ride."

"I'd like to actually visit some of these places, too." Darcy smiled.

"Yosemite Park is amazing. When I went there, I felt like Pocahontas and actually sang Colors of the Wind." Sam chuckled.

"But you're a dude."

"Doesn't stop you singing Colors of the Wind."

"What's this?" Bucky asked as the scene transitioned to the PGA tour.

"Duh. It's golf." Steve said. "For some unknown reason people really like this sport in this day and age. I don't understand it. I'd rather watch baseball."

"Yeah, me too." Bucky nodded. On the screen a golfer hit a golf ball and sent it flying in the air. "Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod!" Bucky panicked and ducked. Steve laughed at him.

"Buck, it's not real. We've seen films like this before. You're from the 1940s, not the 1840s."

"Yeah... I-I knew that." Bucky said, regaining his composure as the scene changed to the Ventura orange groves.

"Can you smell those oranges, Clint?" Natasha asked.

"Yeah. It reminds me of date night." Clint chuckled, nudging Natasha.

"Clint!" Natasha smiled. "Not here!"

"Sorcery!" Thor shouted.

"Yeah I heard that." Clint sighed, the smile quickly wiped from his face.

"Must be confused about the scent." Bruce said.

"It's not even hard to understand. They're just piping in the scent through air vents or something." Tony scoffed.

"Yeah well, we all know Thor." Natasha grumbled. "They don't have this stuff on Asgard."

"And yet they have better technology on Asgard." Tony shrugged.

"Maybe Midgard just freaks him out?" Clint suggested as the scenery changed again.

"Maybe." Bruce agreed. "Surprised lights being turned on and off don't scare him."

"Where's this?" Natasha asked, changing the subject.

"A desert." Clint nodded. "Yeah. A desert."

"It's the Anza-Borrego Desert State Park." Tony said.

"And you know this, how?" Clint asked.

"Bird Brain, you forget I lived in California until I moved to New York back in 2012." Tony replied. "It's just coincidence that it lined up nearly perfectly with the Battle of New York that destroyed a good deal of my brand new tower-thank you Bruce."

"Uh... Loki's fault?"

"Yes it was. He was the one who called down that alien army from a portal in the sky. And I was the one who nuked them all." Tony said smugly.

"Isn't it just weird how when you nuked the mother ship, all the aliens dropped down dead?" Clint asked.

"Comicbook logic."

"And we're back to this again." Clint rolled his eyes and looked at the screen where three fighter jets flew off into three separate directions. "Good how they got the seats to sway as if we were caught in the wake of those jets." Natasha grunted and nodded as the scene transitioned into a military aircraft carrier.

"I bet Spangles is freaking out over this." Tony smirked. "He'll be like 'why is the Helicarrier in Disney World'? And Maria will be like 'Steve, it's an aircraft carrier, not SHIELD!' Or something."

"Why is the Helicarrier in Disney World?!" Steve asked, shouting and panicking slightly.

"Point one for Tony Stark." Bruce said.

"Steve, shut up!" Maria shouted. "It's an aircraft carrier!"

"And point two to Tony Stark." Natasha laughed.

"So it's a military thing?" Steve asked.

"Yes it is, Captain America." Darcy said.

"Oh." Steve said, before straightening up in his seat and saluting the screen. Bucky followed suit, leaving everyone around the pair looking confused and thinking they were insane.

"I know this place-we're in Malibu!" Natasha said as the scene transitioned into surfers at dusk.

"Bingo." Tony said. "I used surf here all the time before I got kidnapped." Natasha, Clint and Bruce all stared at him with their mouths open. "What?" He asked. "Can't a guy have fun in a way that _isn't_ building and/or maintaining robots?"

"I just didn't know you surfed, is all." Natasha shrugged.

"Same here." Bruce agreed.

"You just don't strike me as the surfing type." Clint shook his head.

"I gave up after water gave me panic attacks. About then I started working on Mark II, so it all worked out in the end and now I know you guys and both saved the world and almost destroyed it."

"Okay." The scene changed to nighttime. "And this is LA." Clint said. "I ran a mission here shortly after Budapest."

"You know, you two go on about it all the time so cough up. What _did_ happen in Budapest?" Tony demanded. Clint and Natasha shared a look before bursting out laughing.

"That stays between us." Clint smiled.

"But let's just say it involved Nick Fury's eye patch, Bobbi Morse's batons, one of Clint's hearing aids and Phil Coulson doing his best _MacGyver_."

"Bobbi Morse?" Tony raised an eyebrow.

"Eh. You don't know her but she's an agent of SHIELD."

"Okay. Girl named Bobbi."

"She and Clint got it on..."

"No, she was married then!" Clint protested.

"You totally did!"

"No I didn't!"

"Yes you did!"

"No I didn't!"

"Yes you did!"

"Hey look, Disneyland!" Clint pointed at the screen where Tinkerbell was flying high above Disneyland and waving her wand.

"Is it... Christmas?" Bruce asked.

"Probably Christmas in the year 2000." Natasha replied.

"Why 2000?" Clint asked.

"Tiny fairy! You shall bow to the son of Odin!" Thor yelled.

"Third time in ten minutes." Tony sighed.

"Wow." Natasha muttered. "Fireworks!"

"Why are we venturing inside the explosions?!" Thor yelled as fireworks spread around the screen.

"Fourth." Bruce corrected.

"Yeah. Maybe he _should've_ eaten more." Natasha added. The screen turned to black and everyone began clapping as the seats were lowered to the ground. Tony shrugged and clapped along, prompting Clint, Natasha and Bruce to clap along too.

" _On behalf of our entire flight crew, thanks for Soarin' with us_." The disembodied voice of Patrick Warburton said. Clint rolled his eyes as the lights turned on. " _To unfasten your seat belt, push down on the red button on your right_." Everyone pressed the button at the same time resulting in a lot of clicking. Clint raised his hands to his ears.

"Clint, you okay?" Natasha asked.

"Fine, Tasha. Just the clicking interfered with my hearing aids." Clint explained.

" _Have a great stay here at Epcot, or wherever your final destination may take you_."

"Yeah, I get it." Tony growled. "That guy's getting on my nerves, damn Patrick Warburton."

Clint knelt down to the ground to pick up his backpack from the under seat pouch and stood up when he pulled his phone out. He noticed he had a few missed calls and even more missed texts. When he saw who they were from, his eyes widened.

"Tasha." He whispered. "Tasha!" He whispered loudly and nudged her.

"What, Clint?" Natasha hissed loudly. Clint let out a low growl and showed her all the missed calls. Her expression changed to one of worry. "Any idea _why_ he would call so often?" Clint shrugged. "We better get this to Maria."

"And what are _you_ lovebirds doing?" Tony said, teasingly.

"Discussing plans for tonight." Natasha said.

"Dinner plans?"

"Other plans." Natasha clarified.

"O-other...?"

Natasha wrapped her arms around Clint and held him close to her. "Clint Barton is such a sex machine that he makes me feel like a dirty little whore..." She said seductively. Clint let out a low moan.

"No! No! No!" Bruce put his hands over his eyes.

"For fucks sake Natasha!" Tony yelled, shielding his eyes with his arm. "There's kids present!"

"What's going on here?" Maria asked. She and the others walked towards Tony, Bruce, Clint and Natasha. "I heard shouting." Clint quickly held his backpack in both his hands, over his front. "You'd all better get your asses out of this theater if you want _not_ to be banned from Epcot."

"Maria..." He squeaked. "I can't move."

"Why not Clint?"

 **"** Because... I..."

"Oh my God, he's got a boner!" Darcy shouted, pointing at Clint who blushed a bright shade of red and readjusted the position of his backpack.

"So I take it from the color of your cheeks that she's right." Clint gave the faintest of nods and Maria put her head in her hand. "Barton... I can't trust these guys. But I could always trust you. What about this ride gave you such a raging hard-on?"

"I wouldn't call it 'raging'..." Clint muttered.

" _Barton_!" Maria shouted.

"Tasha!" He answered quickly.

"Romanoff..." Maria growled.

"I'm confused. What's going on here?" Steve asked.

"It appears that Clint has an erection." Bruce replied.

"An erection?" Steve blushed.

"You know, when your dick makes happy time in your pants..." Tony began.

"Pitching a tent..." Bruce offered.

"I know what an erection is!" Steve said loudly. "You don't think I ever get aroused?" A Cast Member approached the group.

"I'm sorry, but the next group is entering, please you have to leave." He said.

"My friend's having a bit of a problem with his shorts and another member of our party's trying to sort it out." Bruce explained. All of a sudden, Maria hit Clint hard over the head with her shoulder bag.

"Ow! What the hell?" Clint stared angrily at Maria, rubbing his head. "What was _in_ that bag?"

"It's better if you don't know." Maria said, peering into the bag. "Now has your stiffy gone away?"

"Yeah." Clint nodded sheepishly.

"Good. Get out." Maria said, pushing Clint towards the exit. "And the rest of you, hurry." Everyone rushed towards the exit and left the theater into the corridor back to The Land.

"That must have been really embarrassing for Clint." Bucky said.

"You're telling me." Steve said. "Remember that one time we went out dancing..."

"You mean _I_ went out dancing, _you_ just watched." Bucky smirked.

"I wouldn't smirk if I were you." Steve smirked while Bucky's quickly wiped off his face.

"Steve, no!" He said panicked.

"Relax, Bucky. I'm not going to tell anyone."

"So your genitals are the same as us on Asgard." Thor said loudly.

"Thor!" Maria hissed. "Shut up!"

"Why? Do you Midgardians not like talking about your genitals?"

"Thor, there are children present!" Tony whined loudly, running his hand through his hair.

"Should I talk to _them_ about my genitals?"

"No!" Everyone roared.

"That is _really_... Not a good idea, Thor." Loki said.

"Or any kind of idea unless you want to spend the night in a jail cell." Bruce muttered.

"What is so wrong with discussing genitals with children?"

"I think the bigger question is 'what _isn't_ wrong with that sentence', am I right?" Tony chuckled.

"As joke-y as it sounds, Tony's right. You don't talk about your manhood to kids." Maria said.

"Do I discuss them with grown women or other men?"

"Grown women, not unless you're dating them like you are with Jane and grown men, also not unless you're dating them." Maria groaned, shaking her head.

"Or you got a boner like Clint." Tony added.

"Stop it, Tony!" Maria said firmly as the group passed through the Child Swap. "Thor, this just isn't a decent subject to talk about, okay." Thor nodded. "Alright, if anyone wants to go to the bathroom, this is the time." She pointed over to the bathroom in the corner and most of the group rushed over and went into the men's bathroom-Darcy into the women's. Clint and Natasha stayed behind.

"Maria?" Clint asked.

"This better be good, Barton." Maria snapped.

"I've had a dozen missed calls from Coulson." Maria's eyes widened in shock.

"Is he okay?" She asked.

"We don't know." Natasha replied. "We just know that he tried to contact Clint dozens of times while we were on Soarin."

"Dozens...?"

"There were texts, too." Clint explained.

"Can I see them?" Maria asked. Clint handed her his phone and she began to look through it. She lifted the phone to her head and played the last voicemail.

" _Cuh-lint! Tis me! Yer best bud Philly-Bear! I... I-I thin I may be a bit durnk. Come get my babas we in... Wherver. Byesies!_ "

Phil was slurring. Maria checked the last text. It read:

**FHHNNbckfoej 66666**

"He's drunk, Clint." Maria sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Just like in Budapest."

"You and I remember Budapest _very_ differently." Clint said, snatching his phone from Maria.

 **"** He said that to me too, Maria." Natasha shrugged.

"Phil wants you to go and get his kids." Maria said. "Presumably because now he's too drunk to even stand, let alone look after two children."

"But I can't leave the Avengers..." Clint whined.

"I'm giving you and Natasha special permission to go _this once_ , understand?" Maria groaned. "And only because it's an emergency. Phil's not an alcoholic, but he doesn't drink for a reason and that reason is, he can't handle his alcohol. Now go." Clint and Natasha ran up to the escalator and let it carry them up while Tony approached Maria, looking at them.

"Where are they going?" He asked.

"A friend of theirs came here and got drunk. He's a single father and that means there's nobody to look after his kids." Maria explained. "So they've gone to look after the kids while he sobers up."

"SHIELD agent?" Tony asked.

"SHIELD agents don't have kids, Tony."

"Is it against regulation?"

"No it's just dangerous and-of course-frowned upon. We're spies. Spies don't have kids."

"Well my dad clearly did."

"And you were brought up in boarding schools your whole childhood, am I right?" Tony hung his head sheepishly. "Yep." Bruce and Thor came from the bathroom next.

"Where's Clint and Tasha gone?" Bruce asked.

"Babysitting, apparently." Tony sneered.

"Tony, behave." Maria said. Tony rolled his eyes.

"Have they really gone to sit on babies? I had gathered the impression that babies were fragile. Unless Friend Clint and Lady Natasha are birds-Friend Clint is a bird, is he not?"

"He is not." Maria sighed. "Babysitting's just an expression people use when they mean that they're going to look after a friend or family member's kids."

"Like when I care for Loki's children!" Thor shouted excitedly.

"Loki has kids?!" Tony and Bruce shouted in unison.

"Indeed! He has four! His sons Fenrir, Sleipnir and Jörmungandr and his daughter Hel."

"Hell?" Tony questioned. "What kind of a name is Hell?"

"The name of a goddess who presides over the underworld." Loki's smooth voice filled the air.

"How long has he been standing behind me?" Tony asked, not wanting to turn around.

"Long enough." Bruce winced.

"Any word of my children to Darcy and I will personally subject you to the worst punishment that Asgard has to offer." Loki hissed.

"Got it pal. But uh... You know..." Tony pointed to Bruce. "Enormous green rage monster." Loki cowered slightly, remembering the 'puny god' incident.

"I like to think we're best friends so uh... Please stop calling me that, Tony." Bruce said.

"But it's working! He's scared of you!"

"Tony!" Maria said warningly.

"Did we miss anything?" Sam asked as he Steve and Bucky walked to the group.

"Loki's scared of Bruce." Tony smirked.

"Ah yeah!" Steve shouted. "Grr! Puny god!" He said, imitating the Hulk.

"Cap, please." Bruce said timidly.

"Oh sorry, Bruce." Steve said. "Didn't mean to." He looked around, noticing something amiss. "Where's Natasha? And Clint?"

"Gone on a mission to look after a friend's children." Maria explained.

"Wow there was a long line for the ladies room!" Darcy laughed. "Hey, wasn't there another woman? And a man?"

"Yeah, they've gone now. Probably for the day." Maria sighed, sick of repeating the story.

"So where to now?" Bruce asked. "You know, now that there's nine of us once more."

"There's only one thing left and..." Maria paused. "Dammit!" She exclaimed. "Clint and Natasha had our FastPass+ reservations!"

"We can sort this out, Maria, now what's the one thing left?" Sam asked.

"The Lion King Circle of Life thingy." Tony replied. "It's up those escalators."

"Yeah, he's... He's right." Maria said, regaining her composure. "Though it's not a 'thingy', Tony, it's a show."

"Lion King? What's a Lion King?" Thor asked as the group walked to the escalators.

"It's a show so maybe something to do with lion taming?" Bucky replied.

"You'll find out soon enough." Sam smirked.

"Lion King..." Steve said thoughtfully. "That's on my list, I think."

"Probably is." Bruce said. "It's a good film."

"So we're going to see the Circle of Life Lion King show?" Tony asked.

"It appears so." Loki nodded.

"Just as long as none of you get... Excited... Again." Darcy said carefully. "Because I don't think I can take much more of that shit."

"Neither can I." Maria muttered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully you didn't find the jokes too bad and next chapter, they'll be exploring the World Showcase! Yay! Only two more chapters left of Epcot!
> 
> Also, guess who's coming back next chapter? That's right, it's Phil Coulson! Natasha and Clint will be sobering him up. In my head-canon, Coulson's been too busy with SHIELD to want to bother to get drunk and party (as opposed to someone like Tony Stark) so he has a low tolerance to alcohol.


	14. I've Got No Strings

**"** Complete waste of time." Tony declared as everyone left The Land. "I tell you, I almost fell asleep during that snoozefest!"

"Tony! Shut up!" Maria shouted. Everyone stopped dead in their tracks. "If I hear any more complaints at all today, I am going to... Lose it."

"Alright well... We have to go to our FastPass+ reservation in Imaginationland. So... Yeah." Darcy grabbed Loki's arm. "Come on, Loki."

"Loki, there will be no discussing any of this with Father." Thor said.

"Uh... Yeah. Father." Loki avoided eye contact with Thor as Darcy dragged him to the Journey into Imagination pavilion.

"Where's our FastPass for now?" Sam asked, looking a t the grey plastic band around his wrist.

"I don't know." Maria replied. "Clint and Natasha had that information."

"So we go to one of the FastPass places." Tony shrugged. "There's one just through Innoventions."

"I wonder what Clint and Natasha are up to." Steve said.

* * *

**At the bus stop**

"That's the fourth bus I've seen for Animal Kingdom." Clint shook his head.

"I've seen at least three for Typhoon Lagoon." Natasha muttered.

"Can you repeat that? I didn't hear." Clint said.

"I said I've seen three buses for Typhoon Lagoon." Natasha said, slightly louder.

"Yeah. They just don't seem to be going to Hollywood Studios-"

"Magic Kingdom." Natasha said, pointing at a bus.

"Yep. Just not Hollywood Studios."

"Isn't it changing its name?" Natasha said. "Tore down the hat and everything."

"I knew they tore down the hat, but I didn't hear about the name change."

"That's because you're mostly deaf."

"I'm hearing impaired!" Clint folded his arms indignantly.

"I'm sorry, Clint..." Natasha put her arm around Clint and kissed him on the cheek.

"I thought you loved _Banner_?"

"Love is for children. I owe him a debt."

"What debt would that be?"

"Shut up and kiss me, Barton!" Natasha pulled Clint close to her and they kissed each other on the lips.

* * *

**At Innoventions**

"Uh, excuse me." Maria said, walking up to a Cast Member. "Two members of our party just left, we need to check our FastPass+ allotments."

"Sure, just come here..." The Cast Member walked Maria up to the FastPass computer terminal. "Scan your MagicBand to the Mickey Head..." Maria scanned her pink band to the glowing Mickey Head on the terminal. The Cast Member tapped the screen a few times and the Avengers crowded around. "Alright Maria Hill, that must be you. Unless you're Natalia Romanova?"

"No, I'm Maria Hill." Maria replied.

"Okay... I got a Steven Rogers?" Steve raised his hand. "You look familiar, have I seen you before?"

"Yeah. Yeah you have." Steve nodded.

"Which one of you is Robert Banner?"

"Good question." Tony said. "I only know a _Bruce_ Banner." He glared at Bruce who looked away sheepishly.

"The gamma radiation expert?"

"Yeah. That's me. Robert Bruce Banner. I go by my middle name because I hate Robert. Everyone's called Robert. And Bruce Banner has that awesome and memorable alliteration." Bruce explained.

"Okay..." The Cast Member turned her attention back to the screen. "Clinton Barton?"

"Not here. And neither is Natasha. Natalie. Natalia. Whatever." Maria huffed.

"Is James Barnes here?" Bucky slowly raised his metal arm. The Cast Member's eyes widened. "What... Is _that_?" She pointed to Bucky's arm.

"It's my arm." Bucky shrugged.

"It's made of metal!"

"It's a high-end prosthesis." Tony said. "He lost his arm a few years ago in a war. It was blown off."

"It wasn't..." Bucky began.

"It _was_." Tony insisted.

"Oh. I'm sorry, Mr Barnes." The Cast Member said, blushing bright red. "Thank you for your service."

"If she hasn't heard of the Howling Commandos, it's gonna be better for you." Tony whispered to Steve.

"Thanks for standing up for Bucky." Steve whispered back. "I still don't like you."

"Anthony Stark?"

"Yes, hi, the one and only." Tony smiled as only Tony could. Maria groaned.

"Tony Stark! You're Iron Man!"

"Yes I am." Tony said.

"I saw you on the news last night-you did a great job against that weird looking guy with the big head!" The Cast Member babbled excitedly.

Tony turned to Bruce. "What guy with the big head?" Bruce shrugged. "Yeah, that wasn't me. That must've been my buddy, Rhodey."

"Oh. Okay." The Cast Member looked disappointed. "Next is a Samuel Wilson?"

"That would be me. I am also a war veteran. As is Steve. And Tony as well. Sort of." Sam shrugged.

"Thank you for your service, also."

"You're welcome." Sam smiled and nodded in acknowledgement.

"Lastly I have a Donald Blake?"

"Aye! That is me!" Thor stepped forward, grinning. "I am Thor, the son of Odin!" Seeing the expression on the Cast Member's face, Thor's smile fell. "You do not believe me?" He asked.

"It's not that, it's just that it's not every day I have a Norse God stand in front of me wearing Mickey Mouse ears, shorts and a Buzz Lightyear t-shirt in Disney World." The Cast Member replied. "Can I take a picture?" She asked pulling out her Samsung phone.

"May the other Avengers be in the picture?"

"YES!" She shouted, excitedly. The Avengers all squashed together.

"Lady Maria, join us!" Thor shouted!

"Yeah, come on! You're just as important as the rest of us!" Steve said. Maria went to stand by Steve and Bucky and the Cast Member took the photo.

"Ooh! Since you got a Norse God with you, you should go see the people in Norway!" She suggested.

"Norway?" Steve asked. "We can get to Norway from here?"

"It's just a mockup of Norway, Cap, not the real place." Sam explained.

"I _knew_ I recognized you!" The Cast Member shouted, pointing at Steve. "You're Captain America!" Steve blushed. "Alright, I have Maria, Samuel, Thor and James for Mission Space at 3:50 and Robert, Anthony and Steven have one for Ellen's Energy Adventure shortly after-at 4pm."

"Ellen's Energy Adventure." Tony smirked. "Fuck me. Those bastards knew."

"Knew what?" Sam asked.

"Ellen's Energy Adventure... Sponsored by Stark Industries." The Cast Member replied.

"Son of a bitch, Tony!" Steve said loudly. "You _own_ a Disney World ride?"

"No, Spangles, I don't." Tony replied. "I _sponsor_ a Disney World ride-technically Pepper does, but..."

"When was the last time you talked to Pepper?" Bruce asked.

"None of your business." Tony snapped. He turned to the Cast Member. "Can you get rid of these and put us all on a ride together? I don't wanna be waiting with Cap."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't like you."

"Please! You're grown men! Behave like it!" Maria said loudly.

"He started it!" Steve whined .

"No, _he_ did!" Tony snapped.

"Shut up!" Maria shouted. She turned to the Cast Member. "This is what I deal with every day. The Avengers don't function well as a unit. They're kind of... Fractured. We're here to bond."

"But where's the others?"

"The author of this story didn't like the Maximoffs enough to write them in." Tony explained.

"That and-spoiler alert!-in Age of Ultron..." Sam began. Steve put his hand over Sam's mouth.

"No, no, no, Sam." Steve shook his head.

"Quicksilver 'dies'." Sam said quickly. "Like Coulson, Fury and Groot."

"Coulson?" Steve raised an eyebrow.

"I mean... I don't know anything about that." Sam's eyes darted back and forth.

"Sam, is the heat getting to you?" Maria asked. "Do you want to sit down? An ice cream, perhaps?"

"Ice cream sounds great." Sam said, nodding.

"Alright, we'll go get an ice cream." Maria said, comfortingly. "Just cancel all our allotted FastPasses for today. We'll explore the countries. Which is the nearest one?"

"Canada..." The Cast Member replied. "It's just up past the Imagination Pavilion, you turn right."

"Thanks." Tony said as the Avengers walked out of Innoventions. "Black Widow was terribly mishandled in Age of Ultron, am I right?"

"No more spoilers, Tony!" Maria screeched.

"Geez. Give me a freaking break." Tony rolled his eyes.

"Says you." Bucky growled. "I wasn't even _in_ Age of Ultron and you all were! I was simply referred to as 'missing person'!" He shouted angrily.

"Come on! I was _hardly_ in it!" Sam whined.

"And even War Machine was damn in it!" Bucky waved his arms frustratedly.

"Bucky, please, your left arm's metal. It can hurt someone." Steve said, putting his good hand on Bucky's shoulder.

"I wanted to be in Age of Ultron." Bucky folded his arms and pouted as he and the Avengers passed through the garden to get to Canada.

"Yeah? Well you're in Civil War with the rest of them." Maria said.

"Actually..." Bruce said. "I'm living out of a quinjet now, or have you forgotten?"

"Verily. And I shall be off dealing with my younger brother, Loki during Ragnarok, so I shall not be in Civil War." Thor said, adjusting his ear hat.

"Alright, you'll be in Civil War with _most_ of them." Maria shrugged.

"And you, Bucky, become the new Captain America apparently and have _nothing_ to complain about." Tony smirked. "So do I want to know what happens to _you_ , Spangles?"

"Probably not, Tony."

"You die, don't you?"

"Well, the Marvel Cinematic Universe has a way of making things exist in it that weren't in the comics." Steve said. "Look at Darcy. And the Mandarin. And Quicksilver. And Scarlet Witch. And Selvig. And Coulson. And Laura."

"Laura?" Sam asked.

"Said too much." Steve clamped his hand to his mouth.

"Guys, we're going to see O Canada." Maria said. "Unless you'd rather watch the Lumberjacks."

"What is a lumberjack, Lady Maria?" Thor asked.

"Someone who cuts up trees."

"And why would someone wish to cut up a tree? What about Groot? Would they cut _him_ up also?"

"A) Because we need wood products and paper and B) I doubt _anyone_ would cut up a sentient tree. They would be too freaked out and flee as fast as they damn well could."

"Lumberjacks?" Tony asked.

"Lumberjacks." Everyone agreed.

"Fine. Lumberjacks it is, then." Maria groaned.

* * *

**On the bus to Hollywood Studios**

"So... Clint." Natasha said, checking her makeup in her compact mirror. "How do we find Phil when we get to the park?"

"We... Look for a drunk spy with a male disabled child and another very small female child?" Clint said.

"Did you just ask a question? It sounded as if you were asking a question." Natasha closed her compact loudly.

"I was making a suggestion?"

"Again, Clint. Statement or question?" She sighed. "Look, I _get_ that you were brought up in the circus. I _get_ that your parents were abusive drunks."

"Actually, that was just my dad..." Clint protested feebly.

"And I _get_ that your brother's a thug."

"He's alright now, I..."

"What I _don't_ get, is how neither of them would teach you how to speak a statement without wording it as if it were a question."

"Nat, I..."

"It's basic rules of English, Clint."

"And the Russian would know all about English, right?" Clint folded his arms.

"Clint..." Natasha grabbed Clint's head, pulled him towards her and kissed him again. "Better?" She asked, pulling away from him.

"Tasha..." Clint said, catching his breath. "What the hell's wrong with you?! You kiss me twice in half an hour and before that, give me..." He looked around and saw kids of varying ages with their parents and old people with no kids. "Make me pitch a tent on Soarin'... You're with Banner, aren't you? Or Barnes? Could be Cap, actually... Well, it _wouldn't_ be Stark..."

"I'm not with either of them and nor have I ever been." Natasha explained. "I haven't really been _in_ a relationship-for real, I mean. It's always been SHIELD and Red Room that I haven't ever had time for it."

"I... I've had the circus. There was a girl, of course. Trick Shot wouldn't let me see her though. Wanted me to focus on my archery. When I broke out, that's when I went rogue and SHIELD caught me. Been a spy for 'em ever since. I'm in my 30s, Nat... I've never so much as kissed a girl besides being undercover. Someone I love, I mean."

"Same here." Natasha whispered. "But I thought you had Bobbi Morse?"

"That?" Clint scoffed. "Was an undercover thing. We were undercover trying to find a terrorist in Vegas. One too many drinks later..." He chuckled. "We woke up married. She was already married to that merc at the time. We stayed married for a while though, until she could be bothered bringing me the divorce papers."

"Was that when you had neighbor trouble?"

"Yeah. It was."

"How did that turn out?"

"It's uh... It's an ongoing issue."

" _In just a few moments, we'll be arriving at Disney's Hollywood Studios_!" The disembodied VoiceOver said.

"Thank God." Clint muttered. "Thought I'd be on here forever."

"Not forever..."

"But we have to find Phil." Clint said urgently. "His kids..."

"Are going to be fine. Unca Clint and Auntie Tasha are on the case!" Natasha smiled, putting her hand to her hip.

"Plus this music from _Rocky_ is getting on my nerves." Clint rolled his eyes and ran his hand through his messy dirty blond hair. "God, I need a haircut." Natasha noticed a red and angry looking scar on the side of his arm.

"How did _that_ happen?" She asked, touching the scar gently.

"Remember a few weeks ago, when I fell through a window?" Natasha nodded. "Well, my arm wasn't that well protected. Sliced it on the jagged glass. 27 stitches."

"Ouch."

"Well, we're not _all_ quick healing super soldiers or protected with suits of armor." Clint shrugged.

"Sam's not either. He just has a psychic connection to his bird." Natasha pointed out.

"If they choose to include Redwing in the MCU, that is." Clint said.

" _Welcome to Disney's Hollywood Studios!_ " The VoiceOver said once again. " _Return service to your resort hotel is available at this station. Be sure to ask your bus driver for the exact location. Motor coaches depart approximately every 20 minutes_."

"20 minutes, my ass." Clint mumbled.

" _Ladies and gentlemen, please collect your belongings, watch your head and step as you disembark, take small children by the hand and follow the walkway to the main entrance._ " The VoiceOver continued. " _As you approach the entrance, please keep your party together and have your tickets ready_."

"You hear that, Clint?" Natasha asked. "Stay with me."

" _Thanks for riding with us and have a picture perfect day, here at Disney's Hollywood Studios!_ " The bus then pulled over into a station and the doors opened. Parents took their children's hands, lovers took each other's hands and Clint and Natasha walked off separately.

"You know they're going to search that fanny pack of yours, right?" Clint asked, once Natasha had caught up with him.

"Shit." Natasha said. "I still have Stark's nuts in my fanny pack!"

"That sounded _way_ dirtier than it was supposed to!" Clint snickered. Natasha frustratedly pulled out a bag of nuts from her fanny pack. "You know, in the UK, they call it a bum bag because over there, 'fanny' has a different meaning."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Natasha asked, as they walked up to the bag search area and stood in line.

"Nothing, I just thought..." Clint stopped abruptly.

"Clint? Are you okay?" Natasha asked.

"Yeah, I... That's Phil Coulson." Clint pointed in behind them. Natasha looked.

"But he's only got one kid with him." Natasha said.

"Trust me, remember Budapest?" Natasha froze.

"That's drunk Phil alright." She nodded and the two ran towards the man they recognized as their friend.

* * *

**After the Lumberjack Show**

"I did not understand the appeal. Why was that exciting?" Thor asked.

"I don't know, I didn't get it either, buddy." Tony said as he clapped Thor on the back.

"It's getting late." Maria said. "It's half past three and we've seen only Canada. I wanna see _all_ the countries, _plus_ visit the Test Track and Energy Adventure, Imagination and Finding Nemo things in Future World."

"On to the UK it is?" Tony asked. Everyone nodded and the group began to walk away from the Canada pavilion.

"I wonder if we'll see the Braddocks." Steve mused.

"And after Britain, it's France. You hate the French, right, Cap?" Tony asked with a smirk.

"No. I like the French. Their resilience during World War II got them much respect from me." Steve said through gritted teeth. "I like Paris and short of hijacking a quinjet, would love to go there again some day."

"Sheesh. Who put a stick up _your_ ass?" Tony scoffed. "Or were you just _born_ self righteous?"

"That's enough!" Maria said sternly. "You behaved together earlier on, why not now?"

"Because." Tony said after a pause.

"He's Tony Stark and I'm Captain America." Steve shook his head and rubbed his hand on the strap of his sling.

"Exactly! We're like... The odd couple." Tony shrugged. "Only with more physical fighting. Y'know, with each other."

Maria glared at Tony as the group entered the United Kingdom pavilion.

"Do the British all to live in dwellings like this?" Thor asked. "If so, they must be very lucky." Sam, Steve and Bucky laughed.

"No, Thor, they don't. They live in normal houses." Maria explained.

"Normal like... On Asgard? Or normal like in London?"

"Not everyone lives in houses like they do in London, Thor. Or Greenwich." Sam said. "Some people in rural areas live on farms."

"Fascinating. What is a 'farm', Friend Falcon?"

"Uh..." Sam thought hard about explaining what a farm is until Steve interrupted.

"Clint and I will take you to one on a quinjet after this Disney ordeal is over."

"I am quite enjoying this Disney World, Friend Captain." Thor smiled widely.

"More fool you." Steve muttered and looked away.

"Wanna go get some fish and chips?" Tony asked in a bad imitation of a Cockney accent.

"Tony, no." Maria scolded, glaring at him angrily.

"Anyone want fish and chips?" Tony said in his normal accent.

* * *

**At Hollywood Studios**

"Phil?" Natasha asked, shaking her drunk friend at the shoulders. She grabbed onto his t-shirt and pulled him closer to her face. "You gotta tell me where your daughter is."

"Where's Dana?" Clint asked. Phil didn't answer.

"Gonnabesick..." Phil slurred.

"No you don't!" Natasha shouted and struck Phil on the cheek. "Tell me where your daughter is!"

"I don't know... She by..." Phil trailed off.

"Where did you even _get_ this much to drink?" Clint asked. "The drinking around the world thing is in Epcot!" Natasha paused and turned to Clint.

"Remember when we were making the reservations?" Clint nodded. "I know where Phil's kid is!" Natasha shouted happily and stood up. "Stay here with Phil and Max! I'm gonna go get Dana!"

As Natasha jogged away, Clint looked uncomfortably at Phil. "So... How about those _Indians_?" He asked awkwardly. Phil turned to Clint and vomited in his lap. "Of course..." Clint muttered disgustedly.

* * *

_Back at Epcot_

The Avengers were walking over the bridge to the France Pavilion and except for Steve, each carrying a small basket of chips and eating them. Thor was eating his like he'd never seen food before in his life, while Bucky was simply picking at his.

"Bucky, I paid 5 bucks for these British fries, now you better damn well eat them before you starve to death because of your damn metabolism."

"But I'm not hungry." Bucky complained.

"Fine." Maria said, snatching Bucky's basket of chips. "But don't blame me if you die."

"Ohhh!" Sam moaned. "There's Princess Aurora!"

"It's..." Maria looked at her watch. "Holy shit, it's 4 pm!"

"Where did the time today go?" Tony asked, popping a chip in his mouth.

"The hats, the drinks, Spaceship Earth... We spent a good hour in the line for Soarin' and about 3 hours in total in The Land." Maria said. "Plus the FastPass snafu..."

"That takes us to half past two." Steve said.

"Then there was the walk to Canada, the Lumberjacks, the walk here, the snacks and waiting for _them_ 'chips'..." Sam said, putting the rest of his chip basket in the nearest bin.

"That would take us to about four." Maria shook her head. "How the hell has the time gone this fast?"

"It's Disney World." Tony shrugged, popping another chip into his mouth. "Time is relative here."

"Meaning?"

"I think Tony means that time passes quicker here in Disney World than the rest of the world." Bruce replied.

"How is this possible?" Thor asked, devouring the last of his chips. "I thought all time passed on Midgard the same?"

"Thor, it's an expression." Tony rolled his eyes.

"Ah!" Thor smiled. "One of your metaphors! They are much different on Asgard."

"Yeah, now..." Maria paused. "Where's Sam?" She asked, looking around.

"He's with Sleeping Beauty." Tony chuckled, pointing at Sam, who was talking to and laughing with Princess Aurora.

"God... Dammit!" Maria shouted and stormed right up to Sam and the princess. "Sam, what do you think you're doing?" She asked loudly.

"Having my picture taken with the Princess Aurora." Sam replied.

"Sam, you're a grown man. You were in the army. You're an _Avenger_." Maria clenched her fists.

"So is Thor." Sam said, pointing to the Norse God who was happily spinning around in circles, courtesy of a prank from Tony. Maria face palmed.

"Are you _all_ just two years old?" She asked.

"No. The Vision is like... Six months old." Sam shrugged and turned to Princess Aurora.

"Alright, you can stop now, Thor." Tony chuckled.

"Okay, yeah. That was pretty funny." Bruce said, struggling to suppress his laughter.

"Come on! No exploiting the Norse god, guys." Steve sighed.

"It's funny. He thinks it's Midgard custom in France to spin around in circles, hooting like an owl."

"I know you don't like Stark and all, but that _was_ funny, Steve." Bucky chuckled.

"I wonder what I can get him to do in Morocco." Tony mused.

"You're not having him do anything!" Tony put his hand on Steve's shoulder.

"Steve... Spangles, he thinks he's actually _in_ these countries, not just mock ups. I'm _going_ to take advantage of this."

"Let Tony have his fun." Bruce shrugged. "As long as he doesn't get Thor to expose himself, it's just harmless fun."

"Yeah!" Bucky agreed. "Harmless fun."

"Stiff alert. Stiff alert." Tony whispered when he noticed that Maria was walking towards them with Sam in tow.

"Thor, behave." Maria said to the spinning, hooting demi-god. "We're bypassing France." She scowled at Tony.

"Why?" Tony asked.

"We have meal reservations in Morocco..." Maria checked her phone. "2 minutes ago. Now scoot your asses over to the next country." She said, hurrying the Avengers along. "Move!" She shouted and they all scuttled away.

* * *

Inside Hollywood Studios

"Wow. This place _really_ looks different without the hat." Natasha muttered to herself. She had a park map of Hollywood Studios in her hand and opened it up to look at it. "Okay, so I'm here..." She pointed on the map to where she was standing. "Then I go left from here and take another left by... Echo Lake." She growled. "Bozhe moi. He couldn't have chosen a better and less secluded restaurant. Never been to this one before..." A passing Cast Member approached Natasha and offered her a cardboard figure of Olaf on a stick.

"Do you wanna build a snowman?" He asked with a smile. Natasha lowered her map and growled at him.

"Net, ya ne klochu, chtoby postroit' chertovski snegovika!" Natasha shouted in Russian*. "I'm looking for a missing child!" She switched to English. "My... Boyfriend's daughter was last seen around here."

"Oh, I'm sorry..." The Cast Member dropped his smile. "Okay, my name is Eric and I'm gonna do everything I can to get your boyfriend's daughter back. Where is your boyfriend?"

"He's looking for her with his son." Natasha lied.

"And what's the little girl's name?" Eric the Cast Member asked.

"Dana. Dana Elizabeth Coulson."

"And your name?"

"The name I go by or the name on my MagicBand?" Natasha asked cautiously.

"Uh... All? I guess?"

"Natasha Romanoff is the name I go by, but my real name is Natalia Alianova Romanova. I also go by Natalie Rushman, Nancy Rushman, Natalia Shostakova, Nadine Roman plus a whole load of other aliases you can't know about." Natasha folded her arms. "Oh. And Scarlett Johansson."

"Can you describe the little girl?" Eric asked.

"Yeah, she's small, Caucasian, about three foot eight inches perhaps and she's four years old."

"What does she look like? Hair color? Eye color? Does she have glasses or a hearing aid? Clothes-what was she wearing?"

"Hair color-I would say strawberry blond-in pigtails. Always in pigtails. But she was wearing a Minnie Mouse headband, similar to mine." Natasha pointed to the headband Tony bought her earlier. "She has brown eyes and she was wearing an Olaf t-shirt with frills on the sleeves and a pink skort."

"Skort?" Eric asked.

"Skirt and shorts." Natasha rubbed the back of her head. "She was also wearing Iron Man sneakers and frilly socks-with bows on the outside."

"Very specific description. That's good. Thank you." Eric picked up the walkie talkie from his hidden utility belt. "Alright, I've got a missing 4 year old..." Eric said into it. Natasha sighed with relief and stroked Phil's digital camera that she earlier slipped into her fanny pack.

* * *

Outside the park, Clint was wiping down the vomit in his lap with using a box of Kleenex acquired from another guest-a mother of three-after telling her Phil was his brother who had food poisoning. After all, that's what Max believed.

"Phil... I need you to tell me what happened with your daughter. Why did you leave her and not your son?"

"I have... Son?" Phil slurred.

"You do." Clint replied. "You adopted him just over a year and a half ago. He's sitting next to you."

"Imafathernow..." Phil mumbled.

"Phil, buddy, you're gonna have to speak up. I'm Deaf." Clint said kindly but firmly.

"Bwe talkie..."

"I didn't catch that, Phil." Clint said. Phil let his head fall into Clint's lap and into his own vomit. "Phil, you're lying in your own sick now. Please get up."

"Is Dad okay?" Max asked, looking up from Phil's iPhone.

"Yeah, he's just not feeling well. Because he's sick, it's making him tired." Clint said, stroking what was left of Phil's hair.

"Will he get better?" Max asked.

"You bet. He'll be feeling better by tomorrow." Clint smiled. He paused as the smile wiped from his face. "Well, he's going to have a headache tomorrow, but he'll be better by the afternoon or the day after. Auntie Tasha and I are gonna look after you and your sister until your Daddy gets better."

"I'm 6, Uncle Clint." Max raised his eyebrow and folded his arms. "I'm too old to be calling him 'Daddy' now."

"What do you call him?" Clint asked, amused at Phil's son's actions.

"Dad."

"Of course you do." Clint smiled.

"So where's my sister then? Where's Dana?"

"Auntie Tasha's gone in the park to look for her. Because your dad was sick, he left her in the park by accident."

"Is she gonna be found?"

"Auntie Tasha's a super secret spy." Clint whispered to Max. "If anyone can find her, _she_ can."

* * *

Inside the park, a flurry of Cast Members were running around looking for Dana. Natasha picked up her phone and called Maria.

" _This is Hill_." Maria said with her mouth full.

"Maria, it's Natasha."

" _Natasha, hi_!" Natasha rolled her eyes. " _Why are you calling me_?" She asked, her mouth no longer full.

"I'm _not_ calling Fury over this, but... Phil's lost his daughter." Natasha winced as Maria shouted down the phone.

" _I'll call for SHIELD backup immediately-I mean, I'm second in command, but_..."

"Maria, I don't need a team or the rest of the Avengers. I need Jenkins and Ford."

" _But... They're on their honeymoon_."

"I know that. And that's great." Natasha sighed. "But there are few men I trust more than those two."

" _Alright, I'll call Fury now..._ "

"No!" Natasha barked "Fury doesn't need to know this."

" _Fury **does** need to know this!_ " Maria said. " _It's important_!"

"It's not like it's Hydra or anything... I just need Jenkins and Ford."

" _But.._." Maria tried to protest.

"Only those two agents."

" _I can't guarantee they're even in Disney World, they might be in **Universal Studios** or **Legoland**..._ "

"Can't hurt to try." Natasha sighed.

" _No, it can't_." Maria agreed. " _I'm taking Cap to see that America show._.."

"Don't!" Natasha whined.

" _In a minute so I'll let you know before then_."

"Thanks a lot, Maria. I appreciate it." Natasha rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly.

" _No problem_." Maria hung up and Natasha sighed, putting her phone into her pocket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tony saying Bucky's arm was blown off is a reference to the comics in which Bucky's arm gets... Blown off... By Baron Zemo's flying drone as he was trying to disarm it. He only ended up 'dis-arming' himself, am I right?!  
> *Crickets and tumbleweed*  
> Huh. Guess not. You people don't know a good joke when it's there in black and white!  
> * No, I don't want to build a fucking snowman!  
> I don't own the Avengers, any character in the MCU, the plot of Age of Ultron, any Marvel comic or Hawkeye as written by Matt Fraction.


	15. It's a Small World

Coming from The American Adventure attraction, Steve was in tears. Sam rolled his eyes.

"Steve, get a grip. You're Captain America." Bucky said.

"I know, but that song just made me love America even more!" Steve began crying even louder. Bruce handed him some tissues. "It was just so beautiful! This Walt Disney guy was a true American patriot!"

Sam groaned. "If he acts like this _now_ , what's he gonna be like when we take him on Hall of Presidents?"

"Simple-we don't." Tony said, averting his eyes from the staring tourists. "It's in his codename, Captain America, it stands to reason that he'd love America more than... Puppies, I guess." He shrugged. "Just don't tell him about the gift shop..."

"Gift shop?" Steve perked up. "There's an America gift shop here?"

"Cap, you wear a spangly outfit most of the time and your shield is red, white and blue with a star on it. You are _not_ in need of any more America paraphernalia, not when you _yourself_ are an American symbol."

"Tony's right, Cap." Bruce said. "Didn't you see yourself in that video in the show?"

"Yeah, you're the most American thing since apple pie. And _McDonalds_." Tony laughed.

"Come on. Let's go get some snacks." Sam said, putting his arm around Steve and the Avengers carried on walking around World Showcase.

"What country is this supposed to be?" Tony asked.

"Uh... Italy. I think." Maria said, admiring the architecture.

"But... This is not a realm. It is pillars." Thor said in confusion, noticing the over abundance of pillars.

"It's a country, Thor." Bruce said. "In Europe. A really nice one-I've been there before."

"So have I." Steve and Bucky said in unison.

"During the war." Bucky added.

"Great." Tony said as disinterested as possible. "What snacks do they have here?"

"Pizza. Pasta." Bruce shrugged.

"They have a gelato cart too." Sam pointed out.

"We not long _had_ ice cream." Maria said. "Over in Canada, while we waited for the lumberjack thing."

"Keep going?" Tony asked.

"Unless you want pizza." Maria said. The Avengers looked at each other.

* * *

Over at Hollywood Studios, the Cast Members had managed to find Dana. Natasha had brought her out of the park and she and Clint were taking Phil and his kids back to the hotel on the bus. Phil was slumped over Clint, who was holding a plastic bag half full of Phil's vomit in an attempt not to get any of it on him. The bag was sloshing over at the sides, so his plan was only partly working. Other passengers were staring and Clint shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"Tasha, how far are we from the hotel now?" Clint asked Natasha, who was sitting opposite him with Phil's children.

"Still pretty far. We've just left Hollywood Studios."

"This isn't fair." Clint said moodily. "Why do I have to sit here with Sir Barfs-A-Lot?"

"Because, Clint, because-he already vomited on you." Natasha raised an eyebrow. "I don't need vomit on me. Plus, I'm a lady and ladies look after kids."

"Whatever." Clint folded his arms. The bus went over a pothole and more vomit spilled out of the bag and onto Clint's bare legs. "Great. This couldn't get any worse." He muttered, opening his small backpack. Phil began heaving and more vomit found its way onto Clint's lap. Natasha put her hand over her mouth so Clint wouldn't see her smiling at his misfortune.

* * *

Over at Avengers Tower, the remaining Avengers were moping around and sulking because they didn't get the chance to go to Disney World like the others. Pietro was pacing the room-and pacing for Pietro meant running as quickly as he could from one end of the room to the other. Stephen Strange was sitting in a corner, meditating while Wanda, Rhodey, Scott and The Vision were playing _Monopoly_ and T'Challa and Carol were watching _The Voice_ on TV.

"Why do you think we were left behind?" Scott asked as he moved his counter-the iron-a few places.

"Because there always needs to be Avengers avenging and looking out for the world." T'Challa shrugged.

"And Tony, Natasha, Clint, Thor, Bruce and Cap have been avenging for longer than all of us." Stephen replied.

"True, but why bring Falcon and Winter Soldier?" Scott asked. "I mean, War Machine's been a hero for ages longer than _they_ have."

"Yeah, but he became an Avenger about the same time as I did." Rhodey said.

"That's actually true." Carol shifted in her seat to get a better look at Scott. "Unless they're going by comic book measures. By those measures, Sam has 5 and a half years on Rhodey, joining the Avengers about the same time as me."

"And Winter Soldier was around in World War II for around 2 years as Bucky." The Vision said.

"Yes, he was one of the Howling Commandos." Stephen agreed.

"I guess." Scott looked down at his game board. "And now I'm out of _Monopoly_ money." He stood up and began to walk to the couch with T'Challa and Carol but suddenly ends up in a heap on the floor with Pietro.

"You didn't see that coming?" Pietro asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No, I didn't, now get the hell off me you speed freak!" Scott said frustratedly, pushing Pietro's leg off his torso.

"It wouldn't hurt to be a little bit nicer, Scott." Wanda said, as Pietro pushed himself into a seated position on the ground.

"That's right, I didn't do anything to you."

"You ran into me." Scott said, pushing himself up off the ground.

"No fighting!" Nick Fury shouted as he walked into the room. "You're a lot better at not fighting than the others are. And being diverse, but whatever."

"Diverse?" The Vision asked. "I don't understand."

"Well, Wanda and Carol are women, T'Challa and Rhodes..."

"I know what 'diversity' means, Colonel Fury, I just can't understand how it pertains to our newer group over the original group."

"Does it matter? You're a robot."

"And you have one eye."

Fury groaned. "I'm just gonna tell you what I came here for, shall I? SHIELD is sending you on a small training mission tomorrow. You will be doing the training in groups Group 1 will be going in the morning and group 2 will be doing it in the afternoon."

"Why?" Scott shrugged.

"Because there should always be Avengers on duty in case of an attack by-I dunno-Loki or Hydra." Fury said with a hint of sarcasm. "The groups will consist of the following: T'Challa, Danvers, Lang, Pietro and Strange in group 1. The Vision, Wanda, Van Dyne, Murdock and Rhodes in group 2."

"But Jan isn't here." Rhodey said. "She's gone to the store."

"Then you tell her when she gets back from the store, won't you?" Fury growled.

"Why is _Murdock_ included?" Rhodey asked.

"Yeah. He is not an Avenger like we are." Pietro narrowed his eyes in suspicion.

"His show's been renewed by _Netflix_ for season 2 so he's as good as." Fury growled.

"And besides, Matt's off... Daredevil-ing." Carol shrugged.

"So tell him when he gets back." Fury grunted, rapidly losing patience. "Group 1, you will be starting at 9am and group 2, you will be starting at 4pm and the training exercises will last for six hours. That's all." Fury turned on his heel to leave the room, leaving the Avengers confused and worried about what lies ahead for them.

* * *

"I like this candy apple." Steve said, picking up a slice of caramel apple from a box that Bucky was carrying. "It's really good."

"I'll agree with you there, Capsicle, it's really amazing. Totes foodgasm, fo shizzle!" Tony said, forcing a whole slice of the caramel apple in his mouth.

"Are you...?" Steve began. He turned to Sam. "Was that... English?"

"Yeah. Unfortunately." Sam rolled his eyes.

"Stark, speak proper English." Maria sighed. "No modern slang."

"I forget..." Tony swallowed. "Modern slang might break poor Cappy's brain." He chuckled.

"Leave it, Stark!" Maria said firmly. "No retaliating, Steve."

"Where are we now?" Bruce asked, nibbling on his slice of caramel apple.

"I don't know." Sam said, consulting a park map. "It doesn't seem to say on the map. Just... Outpost. But if we carry on, we'll be in China."

"Literally?" Steve asked.

"No, not literally."

"Is it me, or is it getting darker?" Bucky asked.

"It's 6pm and it's June. It _shouldn't_ be getting darker." Maria said.

"But Bucky's right. It _is_ getting darker." Sam raised an eyebrow. Tony grabbed the last piece of caramel apple.

"It shouldn't be getting darker for another few hours." Tony remarked, flippantly.

"Unless it's about to rain." Bruce muttered timidly.

"Crap."

* * *

" _Ladies and gentlemen_." A VoiceOver stated on the bus. " _This is Coronado Springs Resort_."

"What stop's his room at?" Clint asked urgently as the bus approached the resort.

"I don't know." Natasha shrugged. " _You_ saw him the other day, didn't you think to ask?"

"No, I didn't. Because I didn't anticipate that he'd go to the 50's restaurant in Hollywood Studios and get drunk off his ass." Clint growled, pointing at Coulson who was retching into his lap.

" _Thanks for riding with us and welcome home_." The VoiceOver finished.

"Clint-there are kids present." Natasha said warningly. "If you don't know where Coulson's room is, then we'll take him to a concierge to ask."

"Do you think that's a good idea?" Clint asked. "Maybe the kids know."

"Clint do you know _anything_ about kids?" Natasha asked.

"I know... A bit." Clint said, taken aback. "I babysit my neighbor's kids sometimes."

"Then you know that kids aged 6 and 4 wouldn't know exactly what room they were staying in at a hotel and that they're so young that Daddy would worry about that for them." Natasha pointed out.

"Yeah. I guess." Clint shrugged.

" _Ladies and gentlemen, this is El Centro_." The VoiceOver said and the bus stopped.

"Get off here, then?" Clint asked as they approached the main reception. Natasha nodded.

* * *

"D'jou think the rain will stop?" Tony asked as the Avengers wandered around the House of the Whispering Willows in China.

"It better had." Maria growled. I forgot the plastic ponchos."

"Don't worry!" A young man approached her. "I have spare ponchos. How many of you are there?"

"I doubt you have enough for my whole party." Maria said condescendingly.

"How many?" The young man asked again.

"Seven." Maria sighed.

"And I have seven!" The young man said cheerfully as he opened up his backpack. "You're... Maria Hill, right?" He asked.

"How do you know...?" Maria asked, full of suspicion.

"I'm the new Avenger recruit." The young man replied with a beaming smile. "Peter Parker, your friendly neighborhood..."

"Spider Man." Maria groaned.

"Yeah!" Peter nodded, pulling out ponchos still in their wrappers and handing them to Maria.

"Thanks, kid." Maria said.

"Don't thank me, thank your friendly..."

"Neighborhood Spider Man, yeah I get it." She rolled her eyes and walked over to the Avengers who were examining the mini Terracotta soldiers.

"Hey, Maria, where'd ya go?" Tony asked.

"Don't ask how, but I got us all plastic ponchos." Maria said, handing out the ponchos. "Bucky, take extra care with your arm, we don't know what'll happen if it gets wet."

"Nothing, Maria." Bucky said. "It's not like in the last 70 years I haven't taken a shower. Or been out in the rain and snow before."

"Do you think the weather's in for the day?" Bruce asked.

"Could be." Tony shrugged. "In that case, the fireworks will be cancelled."

"Aww." Bucky's shoulders slumped forward. "I like fireworks."

"We'll see the next two countries, Norway and Mexico and if the weather's still terrible after both of _them_ , then we're gonna go back to the hotel. I refuse to get trench foot from wading through puddles." Maria said.

"Alright, let's get outta here. I wanna see Thor's reaction to Norway seeing as he's a Norse God." Tony said with a smirk.

" _Tony Stark is not the guy I thought that he would be_

 _But then again neither is Bruce Banner_..." Sam sang as the Avengers walked out into the rain. Tony and Bruce shared confused glances.

"What the hell is he doing?" Tony whispered.

"I believe that's Love is an Open Door from Frozen." Bruce replied. "And I totally didn't take Betty on a date to see that movie."

"And _I_ totally believe you." Tony rolled his eyes.

" _And even Captain America comes with a ton of baggage_

 _With his brain damaged and one armed best friend, Bucky_..." Bucky frowned and Steve shrugged.

"I don't know, Bucky. I don't know."

" _And yes, Thor_

_With his Shakespearian talk_

_Is probably the weirdest guy I know_..."

"I am not weird." Thor folded his arms sulkily. "This is normal on Asgard."

" _Now I'm an Avenger!_

_Now I'm an Avenger!_

_Now I'm an Avenger_

_I do a_ _nything t_ _hat Hill s_ _ays_

_Now I'm an Avenger_..."

"I'm not _that_ bossy, am I?" Maria asked.

"No." Steve said uncertainly. The sound of thunder startled Thor and made him jump.

"What sorcery is this?!" Thor looked around, holding a Mickey Mouse lollipop, threatening the air in front of him as if it were an invisible force.

"It's just a little thunder, Point Break. You should know, you're the God of it." Tony said through gritted teeth.

"I am _not_ scared!" Thor insisted. "I am merely cautious since I am not the one to..." Thor shrieked as thunder rumbled again.

Maria sighed. "Let's go back to the hotel." She said glumly. "I'm not having an overly afraid Norse God screaming like a little girl in public-especially after fighting that weird armor, his brother, those aliens, those weird portals and those genocidal robots, he can't be seen being scared of something, especially if he's the _God_ of that something."

* * *

"Phil, how are you feeling now?" Clint asked, hauling him onto his bed with Natasha.

"Kuna matattata..." Phil muttered.

"Get him on his side or belly." Natasha said. "He's vomiting and we don't want him to choke on it."

"Why do I have to do it?" Clint whined.

"Because _you're_ already covered in his vomit." Natasha folded her arms. "And I'm a lady."

"That doesn't stop you murdering people."

"I'm also an assassin."

"You're stronger than _I_ am."

" _You're_ a man."

"You're _still_ stronger than me." Natasha stared determinedly at Clint. "Fine." Clint relented. "I'll do it. But what are you gonna do about the kids?" Clint asked, gesturing to Phil's children. Dana was sitting on Natasha's bed and swinging her legs, while Max was sitting in his wheelchair and playing on Natasha's _iPhone_.

"I'll take them back to my hotel room, stay with them for tonight." Clint nodded. Natasha continued. "Remember, we decided that Phil shouldn't be alone tonight so you're gonna play nurse."

Clint groaned. "Alright." He agreed. "I'll look after him. But I need to talk to my neighbor back in Bed-Stuy, check on my dog."

"Alright well... Goodnight, I guess." Natasha said, taking Dana's hand and wrapping her other hand around the handle of Max's wheelchair.

"Yeah, goodnight, Tasha."

"Don't forget to take your hearing aids out tonight and clean them." Natasha called out. "Don't get them wet like you did the other pair, this is the only pair any of us have."

"Yeah I won't."

"Clint. I'm serious."

"I know." Clint sighed "I'll see you in the morning." He closed the door after Natasha and heard Phil retching. Clint rushed to grab the bin and put it under Phil as he vomited. Some of the vomit splashed back on Clint and his already vomit soaked clothes, causing Clint to let out a low growl. He was going to be in for one long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I planned this out before Ant Man came out, I've included Janet Van Dyne, one of my favorite comic book characters next to Captain Marvel Carol, Ms Marvel Kamala and Hawkeye Clint, but I like Hawkeye Kate too. I've included Daredevil because I'm happy about the renewal. Yay! Also yay! for Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D and double yay! for Agent Carter.
> 
> Keeping some 616 comic book characters (Ms Marvel, Captain Marvel, Wasp, Clint and Kate) with the MCU characters is keeping in line with what's going on in the comics anyway-it's almost like... An incursion!


	16. Trashin' the Camp

"This evening was an absolute wash out." Maria said on the bus back to the hotel. Thor was listening to music on Maria's _iPhone_ so loudly that the music was bleeding out of the earbuds. Tony groaned and put his head in his hand because one of his least favorite songs-Shakira's _Hips Don't Lie_.

"And I can't believe you genuinely like that song."

"I don't." Maria said, blushing.

"Why is it on your _iPhone_ then?" Tony asked.

"I very much like this music!" Thor shouted. "Particularly the man who is talking quickly and in rhyme!" Sam pulled an earbud from Thor's ear.

"It's called rap." He said. More thunder rumbled in the skies overhead and Thor squealed in fright like a young child. Thor then rushed to put the earbud back in his ear. "Okay, sure." Sam muttered.

"I can't understand why he's afraid of thunder. He's Thor!" Bucky said incredulously. "He's the god of it!"

"I know, Bucky. It's... Weird." Steve's eyebrows knitted together and he stared ahead deep in thought. "It'd be like me being afraid of the American flag."

"Well... Yeah." Bucky shrugged. "But you can't see the colors anyway, aren't you color blind?"

"Not since I took the serum." Steve muttered.

"What about your diabetes? Your high blood pressure? Your heart issues? Your scoliosis?" Bucky asked.

"All gone. Except now I've got PTSD and depression, so..." Steve shrugged and instinctively reached for his injured shoulder.

"What is it?" Bucky asked in concern.

"Nothing. My shoulder just feels a _lot_ better." Steve let out a breath of relief, followed by a small smile.

"I am not overly fond of _this_ music, however." Thor stuck his tongue out at AC/DC's _Highway to Hell_. Tony smirked.

"You know, Maria, I never had you for a fan of AC/DC."

"I like a lot of music, Stark." Maria quirked an eyebrow.

"We have more in common than I thought." Maria rolled her eyes and turned to Steve.

"What music do _you_ like then?"

"I grew up listening to Glenn Miller, Cab Calloway and Louis Armstrong." Steve said thoughtfully.

"Jazz and swing? Huh." Maria nodded.

"And don't forget Billie Holiday, Duke Ellington and Bing Crosby." Bucky added. "I loved dancing to swing music back in the 40s. Steve would always come with me, but he'd usually sit down with a drink of _Coke_ or something while _I_ danced. I think he had fun in his own way." He smiled over to Steve, who smiled back.

"Cool." Tony said, pulling out his StarkPhone from his little backpack. "I'm just gonna make a quick call."

"It's about time you called Pepper." Bruce said as Tony flicked through his phone. "She needs to know where you are and that you still..."

"Hey, Natasha?" Tony said, holding the phone to his ear.

"Guess not." Bruce said quietly and sighed.

"I gotta ask a question." Tony smirked. "Why do you insist on wearing a full body catsuit? I mean, isn't it uncomfortable to fight people in?"

" _Good night, Tony_." Natasha said on the other end of the phone.

"Natasha?" Tony asked. "Natasha?"

"She hung up, Tony." Maria said. "Frankly, I don't blame her. You called her up essentially to disrespect her."

"It's not _my_ fault that the Marvel CEO, Ike Perlmutter essentially objectifies and disrespects women."* Tony shrugged nonchalantly while Maria fumed in the seat opposite.

"I _was_ going to get you all cookies tonight, but Tony won't be getting one." Maria glared at Tony.

"Whatever. Cookies here are stupid anyway." Tony muttered, folding his arms sulkily.

* * *

"Who was that, Auntie Tasha?" Phil Coulson's daughter Dana asked, looking up at Natasha with her big brown eyes.

"That was Iron Man." Natasha rolled her eyes, keeping her phone in her fanny pack.

"Iron Man?!" Max squealed. "That's so cool!"

"It's not actually, he's a massive dick." Natasha winced. "Don't go repeating that."

"Iron Man's a dick!" Dana giggled.

"Yeah that. Don't say that again, 'dick' is a naughty word."

"How come... How come you call Iron Man a naughty word?" Max asked. "He's so cool."

"He seems cool, but once you get to know him, he's actually just a massive jerk." Natasha explained. "You know he hates Captain America right? Ugh. Stark's so self absorbed."

* * *

After changing the sleeping arrangements once more (Maria with Bucky, Sam with Steve, Clint with Coulson, Natasha with Coulson's kids, Bruce with Thor and Tony by himself), Maria threw herself onto her hotel room bed. She was exhausted and it wasn't even 8pm yet. Bucky sat down on the bed next to her.

"Uh... Maria?" He asked.

"Yes, Bucky?"

"Is it okay if I might possibly... Watch the TV?"

"Go ahead, Bucky. Knock yourself out." Maria sighed and let her head fall onto the pillows. Bucky turned on the TV and noises began coming from it. That was the last thing Maria remembered. Next thing she knew, her phone was vibrating loudly and it was 7 in the morning.

"Morning, Maria." Bucky said from the bathroom. He was brushing his teeth.

"Moringing, Buckle." Maria said, still half asleep. She reached over drowsily for her phone. It was a missed call from her boss, Nick Fury. Her phone buzzed again in her hands. It was a text from him, so she decided to open it up to read.

**Maria. Tell me what happened last night and consider this a debriefing.**

What _did_ happen last night? Yes! She remembered! Everyone went to their rooms early!

Or maybe some of them didn't...

"Bucky?"

"Yeah, Maria?"

"What happened last night?"

"You fell asleep really early and in your clothes, while I watched this show about _2 and a Half Men_."

"Okay, what then?"

"I fell asleep, why?" Bucky asked, emerging from the bathroom with nothing but a towel around his waist.

Maria couldn't help but stare at his muscles-they were so well carved. In an attempt to look in his eyes, Maria's eyes deviated to his prosthetic arm and where it joined to the rest of his body. Damn it looked almost soldered to his body. Was it? Was it burned into his skin? Did it ever itch? How heavy was it-did it hurt his shoulder from the weight or was it surprisingly light? What about phantom limb pain? Did he ever... No. She had to focus.

"Uh... Nick Fury seems to think that something happened here last night-something involving the Avengers." She said, looking down in order to avoid any more intrusive thoughts about Bucky's arm.

"Well if something _did_ happen here with the Avengers, I wasn't involved." Bucky said.

"I guess." Maria sighed. "Bucky, I _do_ need to use the shower."

"I'll hurry up." He nodded, before going back into the bathroom and closing the sliding door behind him.

"Yeah... Thanks." Maria muttered, trying to figure out what had happened last night.

* * *

"Rise and shine, Sleeping Beauty." Clint said as he sat on the edge of his bed, putting in his hearing aids. "How are you feeling? Hungover?" Phil moaned in the bed next to him and grabbed his head.

"My head's killing me..." He muttered. "Fuck me, that hurt. And that..." Phil groaned.

"Well, it's your own damn fault for drinking too much alcohol." Clint shrugged. He couldn't quite understand or hear all Phil was saying, but he understood from Phil's body language that Phil was suffering a terrible hangover.

Phil sat bolt upright. "Where's my kids?" He shouted in a panic.

"Relax, Drunky, Natasha has them." Clint stood up. "I'm going to the bathroom for wash. Watch the news or some shit." He said, tossing Phil the remote. Phil looked down at the remote control for a few seconds, before turning the TV on.

A weather person was finishing up her report. "... _Paves the way for clear skies later today. Jason_?"

" _Thanks, Amy_." The anchor said. " _Now we're going to bring you back to an earlier story. One about the Avengers. You know them best as the crime fighting group working to save our lives from alien invasions, crazed Norse gods, mob bosses and genocidal robots, but what do some of them do when given time off_?"

" _That's right Jason_." The co-anchor said. " _Reports have come out from Central Florida that some of them are on vacation in Walt Disney World-as many as four. With details, here's Jazmine Walker._ "

" _Jason, Aixa, I'm standing here in Downtown Disney, soon to be Disney Springs. There is quite a bit of devastation here since last night, the Hulk came out and partied with Iron Man, War Machine the red and green robot man and the Asgardian deity, Thor._ "

"Clint!" Phil hollered. It hurt his head like hell, but he felt Clint needed to see this. "Get out here!"

"What is it?" Clint asked, holding up only a small, dripping wet washcloth to his groin area as he urgently slid the bathroom door open and ran out.

"... _Partying as evidenced by this video_."

"This." Phil pointed at the TV. A video played of Tony and Rhodey in their suits of armor dancing near _Cirque du Soleil_.

 _"Get this party started!"_ Tony shouted and flipped his faceplate down.

 _"Yeah! I'm partying at Disney World!"_ Rhodey screamed and flipped his faceplate down too.

"That's quite out of character for Rhodey." Clint noted. "I wonder if Stark drugged him."

_"Let my friends have plenty of Asgardian mead! May their glorious..."_

"Not even _Thor_ is discouraging this." Phil said.

"Thor _really_ likes drinking." Clint chuckled. "Remember Puente Antiguo?"

"Oh yeah."

The film then showed Bruce taking a drink of soda and turning into the Hulk.

 _"Hulk Smash... Party!"_ Hulk shouted, bringing down some construction for Disney Springs.

"Banner. I thought he would be the sensible one." Phil muttered.

"Stark probably spiked his drink."

 _"I'm the life of the party!"_ Vision shouted happily, while he played the pounding dance music.

" _As you can see, the Avengers enjoy their time off, perhaps a little_ _ **too** much. Maybe it's because_..." Clint turned the TV off.

"No Cap, Falcon, Bucky or you?" Phil asked.

"Cap's got a dislocated shoulder, Falcon's his roommate, Bucky's with Hill and I was watching over you, making sure you didn't vomit in your sleep and die. Again."

"I thought Rhodes was in New York?" Phil shrugged.

"He was. He and the other Avengers are looking over Avengers Tower-well, not Murdock, he's blind, so I guess he's _listening_ over Avengers Tower..."

* * *

"Alright, motherfuckers!" Nick Fury shouted as he walked into the Avengers sleeping area. They all slept in the same-very _very_ large-room while Tony sorted them out accommodation on his tower.

"Wake up! Need I remind you that Group 1 is to complete the training mission in under two hours!"

"Who is group 1 again?" Matt Murdock asked groggily. "Am I in it?"

"No, Murdock, you're in Group 2 with Vision, Janet Van Dyne, James Rhodes and Wanda Maximoff. Group 1 is Carol Danvers, T'Challa, Stephen Strange, Scott Lang and Pietro Maximoff."

"Why separate me from my brother?" Wanda asked.

"Good question." Fury raised an eyebrow. "Vision, you're in Group 1. T'Challa, Group 2."

"Now you separate me from my brother _and_ my boyfriend." Wanda folded her arms indignantly and scowled at Fury.

"Get used to it." Fury said with a sickly fake smile. "Now I want Captain Marvel, the Vision, Doctor Strange, Ant Man and Quicksilver to join me on the helipad as soon as damn well humanly possible. Am I clear about this?" Everyone nodded.

"Good." Fury turned to leave the sleeping quarters. "You have five minutes. I'll be out on the helipad." He left the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *The Marvel CEO Ike Perlmutter totally dissed women on my 21st birthday in an email uploaded by WikiLeaks in the aftermath of the Sony Hacks. To say it makes me mad is an understatement. It's not maddening, it's hurtful. I'm a damn good superhero. Well, I would be if I was given the chance. I have 'superpowers' (heightened senses resulting from my disability) and I haven't turned to evil. Apparently the CEO was basing it on films like 'Supergirl' in the 1980s and Catwoman (both of which suffered from a terrible plot, rather than female leads) and Elektra (However, Daredevil was just as terrible). It seems like a miracle that we're even getting a Carol Danvers Captain Marvel movie at all. And now we kind of know why Wasp was omitted from the Ant Man movie, why there's been no supply to the Black Widow movie demand and why there's been no Black Widow, Gamora or Scarlet Witch merchandise. Perlmutter is afraid of vaginas. In fact, so afraid that a movie or merch of someone with a vagina will fail that he doesn't try. Or he's just ignorant. Which just makes him just come off as more of a douchebag. More and more women read comics and go to comic book movies, this guy is just alienating almost half of Marvel's fanbase. Because he's afraid of vaginas. I felt I had to get on my soapbox and protest this.  
> Also, he donates to Donald Trump.
> 
> So, getting off the subject of sexism, I'm wondering who everyone's favorite Avenger-comic or movie or both-is. You tell me yours in the reviews and I'll tell you mine next chapter. I'm also wondering what y'all think of the partying.  
> Jason Guy, Aixa Diaz, Jazmine Walker and Amy Sweezey are members of the REAL morning team on the WESH2 Central Florida channel. I live in the UK, but I remember them from all my trips over to Central Florida and Disney World. Which is LOTS or I wouldn't be writing this.


	17. Why Should I Worry?

Everyone once again gathered in the Pepper Market for breakfast. As Clint once again wolfed down his favorite breakfast of grits, Thor had the usual everything and Tony had nothing but coffee. He was wearing sunglasses and trying-but failing-not to look hungover. It didn't take Maria long to figure out that Tony had been drinking the night beforehand was now hungover.

"Tony, did you go back to Epcot last night?" She asked.

"No, Sparkles, I didn't." Tony winced at his snark. The kids screaming and laughing all around him were just making his headache worse. He took out a Stark Industries baseball cap from his bag and slipped it on, before taking another sip of coffee.

"Tony, you don't need a baseball cap _and_ sunglasses on indoors." Maria looked up from her fruit bowl. "And nor do you either, Bruce." She folded her arms angrily. "Alright. Who wants to tell me what the hell happened last night?"

"We reveled most joyously at a place called Downtown Disney!" Thor shouted with his mouth full.

"I see." Maria's eyes narrowed. "Did this 'reveling' involve any... Beer?"

"No." Thor looked puzzled. "I had Asgardian Mead brought down by my dear friend Volstagg the Valiant!"

"So you were all drinking very strong Asgardian drinks." Tony and Bruce lowered their heads in shame. Maria sighed. "Let me guess, 'Hulk Smash'?" Bruce nodded. "For God's sake, Bruce!"

"Hulk only smash... Uh... Buildings under construction." Bruce blushed bright red. Maria pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Fury's gonna kill me." She muttered.

"So where's Natasha?" Tony asked.

"She's off on a SHIELD mission." Clint explained. "She'll meet up with us later."

"Speaking of later..." Bucky began. "What _exactly_ are we doing today?"

"We're going shopping. To Downtown Disney." Maria said as she poured syrup over her Mickey Waffles. "That way _nothing_ can go wrong."

"They have a store dedicated to _us_ , the Avengers!"* Clint shouted excitedly, spraying his breakfast everywhere when he flicked his arm, forgetting he was holding a spoonful of grits. "Sorry, guys."

"Clint, just behave please." Maria mumbled, wiping Clint's grits out of her hair.

"Alright." Tony said quietly, so as not to disturb his hangover. "Just let me know what you want and _I'll_ buy it for you."

"Really, Stark?" Steve's eyes narrowed.

"Aye aye, Captain." Tony made a salute.

"Tony, behave or I'm leaving you in the hotel room and confiscating your MagicBand." Maria glared at Tony. "I'm in no mood to play any Civil War games today. You both exhaust me. Literally. I go to sleep early because you tire me out."

"I'm very sorry, Maria." Steve said with a small nod of his head.

"So am I." Maria rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry I agreed to this."

* * *

"Welcome to Avengers training!" Fury shouted. Carol Danvers, Stephen Strange, Pietro Maximoff, Scott Lang and the Vision all stared at him. "I heard _one of you_ went out last night for a little... Unauthorized socialization." Fury said with gritted teeth. "I just want to let you all know that I _will not_ stand for that. And as a result, I have _upped_ the difficulty level on your task and you now have 4 hours to complete, instead of the usual 6."

Everyone looked at each other for the possible rule breaker.

"It wasn't me." Stephen put his hands up defensively.

"I didn't do it either!" Scott protested. "I mean, I _know_ I'm a thief and a burglar, but SHIELD rule breaking? Don't you think I know better than... _That_?"

"I'm not telling _any_ of you who the rule breaker was." Fury smiled, knowingly. "Y _ou_ have to find that out by _yourselves_ and trust them enough to complete the task."

"What is the task anyway?" Carol asked, putting her hand to her hip. "And how can it be _that_ bad?"

"It's a scavenger hunt, Danvers."

"That sounds easy."

"Not when you're playing in a maze full of land mines, booby traps-some of which you cant magic out of-Hydra, tiny doors-Giant Man powers _only_ , Lang-walls you can't blast or phase through and narrow hallways." Fury said and the doors to the maze opened. It _was_ a maze.

"What the hell?!" Pietro groaned. "This isn't fair, Director Fury."

"I agree with Pietro." Scott nodded. "Why make us do this?"

"To test how well you work as a team when your individual powers don't work." Fury raised an eyebrow. "Here's the list of items you need to collect." Fury pulled out a piece of paper from his trench coat.

"You probably could've stuck this on an _iPad_." Carol said, taking the list.

"Yeah?" Fury glared at Carol. "Well I didn't."

"Somehow it's worse, getting glared at with only one eye." Carol chuckled nervously.

"What are we supposed to find?" Pietro asked, leaning to Carol for a closer look. "A hairbrush. A spanner. A fountain pen. A block of cheese." He read. "That doesn't sound so bad."

"Think again." Fury turned the switch on for the maze. The started flashing and beeping, and there was a massive crunch as the gate to the maze dropped down, showing the land mines on the floor.

"Fury, please don't make us do this." Scott begged.

"Too late, motherfuckers." Fury grinned sadistically. "Have a nice morning."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Yes, they actually do and it's called Superhero Headquarters.  
> I promised to tell you who my favorite Avenger was! My favorite Avenger is Clint Barton-or Hawkeye.


	18. Stand Out

"Maria, half this place is under construction." Steve said, looking around.

"Blame some of that on Bruce." Tony chuckled.

"Tony, seriously." Maria glared at the billionaire. "I've had just about enough of you all to last a lifetime and I've learned something these past few days." She growled. "Philip J Coulson had the patience of a saint. He must have done, to deal with all of you."

"I don't see how Bucky, Sam and I were a problem..."

"Sam's not been a problem. In fact, I almost forgot he was here." Maria agreed. "But Bucky wandered off when we were in Tomorrowland and you and Tony are constantly bickering."

"What about...?" Steve began.

"Thor's obnoxious and has already eaten over a grand in food, Tony's argumentative, Natasha keeps flirting with Clint-who destroyed his good hearing aids because he went and did something I _specifically_ told him not to do and Bruce isn't a problem either."

"But he 'Hulk Smashed' this place." Tony began.

"Because _you_ spiked his drink." Maria raised an eyebrow. "That's _another_ thing you got against you, Stark and I doubt you've even called Pepper yet."

Tony's mouth opened as if he were about to say something. "He hasn't." Bruce said.

"I knew it, Stark." Maria sighed and shook her head. "Just all of you, buddy up and get the hell out of my sight."

* * *

"Danvers!" Scott shouted as Carol was hit by a laser.

"I'm fine, Lang! Stop your shouting!" Carol ducked down low to avoid another laser. Scott changed his size down to Ant Man.

"I said Giant Man powers only!" Nick Fury's voice boomed over the intercom. "Five points from Gryffindor."

"How the hell...?" Scott asked as he changed back into his normal size.

"I see everything with my one eye, Lang-even what happened with Sam Wilson. Now get on with it!"

"Vision! Look out!" Pietro cried out and sped away to avoid the laser, which went through the Vision as he altered his density.

"What did I just say, motherfuckers?" Nick Fury's voice boomed again. "That's it. I'm taking another hour off your time. 2 hours left, guys."

"Not fair Fury!" Scott shouted.

"One and a half hours left." Fury growled. "The more you complain, the more time you have taken from you."

"Fury, what do you hope to gain from this?" Stephen asked as he cast a spell on a gruesome looking creature that approached him.

"Strange, I said no magic!" Fury yelled. "That's it! You have _one_ hour left to complete this challenge. And don't you _dare_ let me catch you using your powers-the ones I expressly forbade you from using! Scott mimed out Fury chastising them. "And, Lang, I can see you doing that."

* * *

"So where do we go first?" Bucky asked. He, Sam and Steve were in the World of Disney store.

"How about Men's?" Steve suggested.

"I wanna go to Home Essentials." Sam nodded. "My new apartment's shit and I need to decorate it."

"I don't care." Bucky waved his hand dismissively.

"Home Essentials!" Steve and Sam shouted excitedly. Each grabbed one of Bucky's arms and pulled him across the store into the home essentials area.

"Fridge magnets!" Sam giggled like a child and picked a Scrooge McDuck magnet up. Steve picked up a 2015 magnet and both approached Bucky, wearing sadistic grins.

* * *

"So where do you wanna go?" Bruce asked.

"We could go get some ice cream?" Tony suggested.

"No, I'm pretty sure Maria's gone there and she wants us out of her sight." Bruce sighed. "How about the _Rainforest Cafe_? I hear they have a good vegetarian menu."

"We'd need reservations." Tony pointed out. "Yeah, if we were ordinary people, that is." He scoffed. "We're Avengers. I'm Tony Stark, billionaire. Come on, let's go to _Rainforest Cafe_ , bro."

"Don't let Clint hear you say 'bro'." Bruce chuckled.

"Nah." Tony waved his hand dismissively. "I'll just turn off his hearing aids." He pulled a little remote control from his pocket. "After this, we're going to spy on the Super Spy Twins."

"But they're not here." Bruce said.

"We'll find out where they are from Bird Brain's hearing aids." Tony smirked. "They _are_ just normal hearing aids after all, but with a few somethings extra..."

* * *

"Come on, Phil." Natasha stood over the bed in Clint's hotel room. "Clint even brought you some... Grits-what the hell, Clint?"

"I like grits." Clint shrugged.

"You like _everything_ , Clint." Natasha shook her head. "There's not a thing on this planet that you won't eat."

"I grew up in the circus, Nat, what do you expect?" Clint raised an eyebrow. "I got some cold toast as well. And some cereal. Eat something Phil."

"Fine." Natasha put her hands on her hips. "Dana, Max, do you want some breakfast?" The two Avenger spies turned around to Phil's two children who nodded. Clint gave the grits to Dana and the toast to Max.

"Come on, eat the cereal, Phil." Clint said.

"No." Phil grunted.

"It's your favorite, _Corn Flakes_." Natasha picked the box up and rattled it in Phil's face.

"Fine. But get me some Mickey Waffles."

"Deal." Natasha said, nodding to Clint, who threw over a carton of milk. Natasha put them in a bowl and gave them to Phil, before leaving the room for the waffles.

* * *

Maria was relaxing in the _Ghirardelli's_ ice cream ship, awaiting her ice cream sundae when her phone rang. "Hill." Maria groaned.

"Maria, we have a situation." Sam said down the other end.

"What is it, Sam?" She asked.

"Well... Cap and Bucky are somehow missing."

"So?" Maria scoffed. "Deal with it without SHIELD's help."

"But Captain America and his Cold War buddy are missing." Sam said, emphasising the word missing.

"You're a soldier." Maria said, calmly. "Deal with it." She hung up.

* * *

"She hung up on me." Sam frowned incredulously. He was standing in the plush toy section of World of Disney.


	19. Heigh Ho!

Once upon a time, there was a director of S.H.I.E.L.D and his name was Snow White. He became the director after Hydra was found to have infiltrated his organisation and the director faked his death and the deputy director resigned. When a member of his team was revealed to be Hydra, he had them arrested. However, he went a bit loopy and began carving out alien symbols on the wall. When Hydra went after a dangerous item known only as the Obelisk, Snow White made it his business to go after it too. This led to the discovery of an ancient underground alien city under Puerto Rico, which was later destroyed. After that, S.H.I.E.L.D went into a civil war with itself and eventually a war with the part alien civilization known as the Inhumans. After that, Snow White's former teammate excelled in the ranks of Hydra to become the leader himself, watching over Snow White's organisation, waiting for the right time to strike...

* * *

Snow White was working hard, slaving over a little black box known as the toolbox outside in the quad of the new S.H.I.E.L.D base. He was humming as he worked. For some reason, even though the base was out in the middle of nowhere, forest animals appeared and startled him.

"I wasn't expecting company." He said with a wry smile. "You're very welcome to watch though." He played with a hologram from the small box. "You know what makes this so special?" The animals said nothing back. "Well, I'm the director of S.H.I.E.L.D. So this box only opens for me. See these holograms?" He asked. Again, the animals said nothing. "They appear only for me. For my eyes only kind of thing." The animals watched. "You're no fun." He shrugged.

Snow White soon found out that he was being watched by the Prince.

"Snow White." The Prince said, climbing into the quad.

"Prince." Snow White said in happy surprise. "I wasn't expecting you."

"You never do, do you Snow White." The Prince raised his eyebrow.

"This is the part where you serenade me" Snow White folded his arms.

The Prince scoffed. "Then be startled."

"Fine." Snow White tapped the box and the holograms went away. He grabbed the box and slowly walked into the S.H.I.E.L.D base, going to watch the Prince on the security cameras, giggling as the Prince began his serenade.

"What's going on, Snow White?" A S.H.I.E.L.D agent asked.

"Nothing." Snow White smiled to himself. "Go back to your post, Agent."

Little did they both know that they were being watched over by the Hydra leader-Evil Queen on his cameras.

* * *

"Surveillance camera on the wall... Who's the fairest of them all?" Evil Queen grunted.

"Apparently it's Snow White, your majesty." The Huntsman said. Evil Queen glared at her.

"Those fools." Evil Queen said.

"Why is that?" The Huntsman asked.

"Well, Prince... Something is serenading Snow White." Evil Queen shrugged. "He's exposed himself and the base to Hydra."

"And what do you expect me to do about it?" The Huntsman shrugged,

"Well, for that I want Snow White's heart in this box." Evil Queen pointed to a small wooden box. "Or a plastic bag from Walmart. I don't care."

"So shall I present the heart to you in this box? And with what weapon shall I kill him with?" The Huntsman groaned.

"I want Snow White killed and his heart placed in this box." Evil Queen said in a monotonous tone. "Kill him with this dagger." He put a knife on top of a box and handed it to the Huntsman.

"Yes, your majesty." The Huntsman replied with a groan as she took the box and knife and walked away.

* * *

Later that day, Snow White was walking through the forest with his new animal friends. "So have you lived here before this base was built?" The animals stayed quiet. "I must be more insane than I thought." He shook his head. "I'm talking to forest animals."

"Well, well, well, Snow White." The Huntsman said. "Evil Queen wants your heart in this box." She showed a box.

"Let me guess, you're going to give it to him?" Snow White raised his eyebrow.

"That's how this goes, Snow White."

"No, please, don't kill me." Snow White said, as he raised his hands above his head.

The Huntsman hissed, raised her dagger. "Now cower with fear."

"Why should I?" Snow White went into his pockets and took out his phone, throwing it at the Huntsman's face. He then punched the Huntsman, who slashed him on the arm with her knife. Snow White attempted to strangle the Huntsman with his earbuds, but the Huntsman threw him down to the ground and when she went to punch him, he moved, tripping her up from behind. She stabbed him in the stomach while he straddled her, punching her in the face. She then punched him off her.

"Okay." Snow White panted, clutching his abdomen while blood seeped through his fingers. "Truce."

"I'll just tell Evil Queen I killed you."

"If this continues to bleed like it is, then you won't even have to lie about it." Snow White winced. The Huntsman looked over at him and his bloody stomach.

"Shit. Snow White, I'm so sorry about that." She said. "You should get that seen to." Snow White raised an eyebrow.

"Right." The Huntsman stood up. "Go! Go into the forest! Run as fast as you can! I will deal with the Evil Queen!"

Snow White stood up. "Yeah, I'm going." He said as he shuffled away.

* * *

"Did you bring me the heart of Snow White?" Asked the Evil Queen later that day.

"I did. It's here inside this box. And the dagger." The Huntsman offered a Walmart bag. "There was no way I was carrying that around the city, clear as day, so I put them in a shopping bag." She explained. "And you can get your Hydra henchmen down in forensics to check the blood, it's Snow White's."

"You did good, Huntsman." The Evil Queen said as the Huntsman walked away. He grunted and thrust the Walmart bag to an agent of Hydra. "Take this down to forensics. If Huntsman is lying about this, see to it she gets killed."

The agent took the bag and nodded. "Yes, your Majesty." He gave the Hydra salute-two fists in the air. "Hail Hydra!"

Evil Queen gave the salute back. "Hail Hydra." He smirked.

* * *

After dragging himself through the forest, Snow White happened upon a cottage. He burst in, in desperate need of medical aid and began to search for a first aid kit. The cottage was filthy so while Snow White stitched up his stab wound, he looked around. "This place is filthy. I wonder who lives here?" He frowned. Soon, Snow White was tired from both the cleaning and the blood loss and was forced to retreat upstairs, where he found a bedroom.

"I wonder who lives here?" Snow White asked himself as he opened the door to the bedroom. There were 7 metal framed beds in the room and Snow White dragged himself in to look at the names assigned to each one. "Happy. Grumpy. Sneezy. Sleepy. Bashful. Dopey. Doc." He read. "Those are some odd names." He croaked out before passing out horizontally on Happy, Grumpy and Sneezy's beds.

* * *

"Come on! Time to leave work! It's 5pm!" Doc called out in his Scottish accent.

"But we're so close to catching Evil Queen and his Hydra henchmen, Doc." Happy said.

"Doc's right." Bashful said with a shrug. " _Our_ shift's done. The night dwarfs will cover the _next_ shift."

"That and I'm sure we won't have found them by this time tomorrow." Sneezy rolled her eyes.

"Alright then. If you're sure." Happy said uncertainly. "Then it's time to Heigh Ho ourselves back home."

"Any more singing and I'll Heigh Ho yourself back to England." Grumpy raised her eyebrow slightly.

"And I suppose you're gonna kick me to LA." Dopey folded her arms. "Ooh, I'm so scared."

"No more sass. Just a quiet walk home today." Grumpy said.

"Sure, Grumpy." Doc said. "It's not like I can sing anyway."

* * *

When the dwarfs got to the cottage, they found the door open and that forest animals had wandered inside.

"I don't like the look of this." Bashful said, looking around.

"Relax, Bashful." Dopey rolled her eyes. "I'm sure Sneezy just forgot to lock the door again."

"Why was it me?" Sneezy pulled her batons from her pocket. "Why wasn't it Doc? Or Happy?"

"We're geniuses, that's why." Doc pulled out an ICER and began loading it up.

"Doc, I'm sure Sneezy meant nothing by that." Happy shrugged. "Just relax."

"Happy, I _am_ relaxed." Doc grunted. "This is just an ICER."

"Let's just _all_ stay calm here." Grumpy groaned. "After all-"

"You want to blame someone for not being calm?" Bashful interrupted. "Blame my she-devil ex-wife."

"That's nice. You just insulted me to my face." Sneezy pressed her baton to Bashful's neck.

"Hey! Sneezy! Leave him go!" Sleepy said loudly and Sneezy hit Bashful on the head with the other baton. Grumpy stepped in.

"That's enough!" She shouted. Suddenly, a noise came from upstairs.

"What was that?" Bashful asked, pulling out a gun.

"Relax, Bashful." Doc said. "It was probably just a forest animal."

"The ones that Sneezy let in, not us." Happy retorted.

"Stop it right now!" Grumpy hissed. "I'm going to go check it out. No talking until I get back." Grumpy took the ICER from Doc and made her way up the stairs. The other dwarfs waited with bated breath until she came back down. She didn't. Instead they heard screams and shots being fired. Everyone rushed upstairs.

"Grumpy! Are you alright?!" Everyone clamored. When they caught sight of the person in the beds, they backed away.

"What is _that_?" Dopey asked.

"It's a man." Grumpy responded.

"So we see." Doc said sarcastically.

"A badly injured man." Sleepy observed, approaching the unconscious man. "He's pale. Almost as if he's bled out."

"What's going on here?" A small and chubby man asked. "Let me through, I have..." He stopped in his tracks upon seeing the man. "He's not wearing a lanyard."

"Well, my current theory is that he was hurt in the woods-perhaps by someone or something-and came here looking for help." Happy said. "But he didn't find us because we were in... Work-Doc! Check for a pulse!"

Doc checked for a pulse on the man's neck. "I found one." He nodded. "But it's weak."

"Let's help him." Sneezy said.

"Wait, what?" The other man asked. "He has no lanyard-are you insane?"

"Hardly." Happy raised an eyebrow. "Despite our names, Doc, Sneezy and I are certifiable geniuses."

"And if he has no lanyard, then you can just give it to him, Cloney." Sleepy said. "Don't be mean. He's probably dying."

Doc opened the person's shirt and revealed a crudely stitched stab wound and an old scar over the man's heart. "I wonder what happened there." Bashful muttered.

"That's Snow White." Happy said in shock. "Only Snow White was stabbed through the heart and died, but came back from it several days later."

"That's _really_ messed up." Bashful said in disgust.

"Dopey, go get the medical kit." Doc said.

"You got it." Dopey nodded, leaving the room.

"And Cloney, we're going to need some blood." Sneezy raised her eyebrow to him.

"Why me?" The other man-Cloney-asked.

"Because you're not a dwarf. You're a small man." Happy said. "And if you don't, Princess Snow White will die."

Cloney raised an eyebrow. "Fine." He said, rolling his sleeve up. "Draw away."

* * *

Evil Queen was watching surveillance videos when the henchman came back into the room.

"Forensics has the results back."

"That was quick." Evil Queen said. "What do they say.

"The blood on the knife _was_ indeed the blood of Snow White." The Henchman said with a nod.

"And the heart?"

"The heart uh... Of a pig, your Majesty." The Henchman frowned.

"How's that possible?" Evil Queen asked.

"Snow White was probably stabbed with the knife. The heart was acquired elsewhere." The Henchman said. "It's my educated guess, anyway."

"Huntsman shall pay dearly for this." Evil Queen narrowed his eyes.

* * *

Snow White awoke with the dwarfs and Cloney around him. "Who are you?" He asked.

"Doc." Happy pointed to Doc.

"Happy." Doc pointed to Happy. "She's biochem."

"And he's engineering." Happy said happily.

"I'm Bashful, I'm a mercenary." He said in his working class English accent.

"Sleepy." Sleepy said with a nod. "I also do engineering."

"I do biochem as well and you can call me Sneezy." Sneezy gave a small smile.

"Dopey." Dopey chuckled. "And don't worry, I'm not _actually_ dopey."

"And I'm Grumpy." Grumpy folded her arms.

"But she actually _is_ grumpy." Bashful snorted.

"And I'm Cloney." Cloney said, narrowing his eyes. "Here's your lanyard." He handed Snow White a lanyard with a plastic orange ID card and a bar code. The card had a large logo on it; a shiny silver eagle.

"You're S.H.I.E.L.D." Snow White said quietly.

"We are indeed." Cloney leaned closer in to Snow White. "How do you know that?"

"I'm the Director." Snow White said, producing the little black toolbox from his pocket. Cloney's demeanor changed entirely.

"Princess Director Snow White, it's an absolute honor to meet you, Sir." He said, grabbing Snow White's hand to shake it.

"Uh... You too?" Snow White frowned in confusion.

"My name is Cloney Eric." Cloney said. "But everyone here just calls me Cloney. Oh, by the way, welcome to Providence!"

"Providence?" Snow White asked.

"Yeah, when the Battle of the Forest happened, Prince had several secret cottages built. I man this cottage and I named it Providence. My other brothers man the other cottages."

"How many cottages? And brothers?" Snow White asked.

"Not important." Cloney waved his hand dismissively.

"He says there's 13." Bashful said with a shrug.

"Probably all LMDs." Sleepy chuckled.

"We were going to have our after work meal, if you wanted to join us?" Dopey offered. Snow White nodded.

"But first, you have to tell us how you got that wound in your stomach." Grumpy narrowed her eyes.

"I was stabbed." Snow White said. "By an old friend of mine acting under Evil Queen's orders; the Huntsman."

"The Huntsman?" Everyone asked in shock.

"She knows where this cottage is!" Cloney said in panic. "She was Prince's most trusted agent before she left for Hydra!"

"She's not Hydra, Cloney." Doc rolled his eyes. "She's a uh... She works... She's us. But Hydra..."

"A double agent?" Sleepy offered.

"Yeah!" Doc shouted. "Double agent."

"Is she likely to come after you?" Sneezy asked.

"I don't think she even knows where I went." Snow White sighed.

"Then you can-and probably should-stay here." Grumpy folded her arms. "At least until that stab wound heals."

Snow White nodded. "Okay."

"We'll bring you up some soup." Happy promised.

* * *

Evil Queen walked through the halls of the Hydra base, saying many 'Hail Hydras' before descending a flight of stairs. He entered a laboratory room and there approached the people in it. "The heart of a pig?" He said. "Huntman's an idiot. An absolute class A moron."

"But the knife did have Snow White's blood on it." One of the scientists said.

"Yes, it did. And Snow white may well be dead, but I want his heart." Evil Queen said.

"What are you going to do about that, exactly?" Another scientist asked. "Last I heard, the S.H.I.E.L.D dwarfs rescued him."

"I'll go myself, to the dwarfs' cottage in a disguise." Evil Queen replied. "I've done disguises before. So I'll just dress up as Sleeping Beauty. Snow White is practically in love with Sleeping Beauty."

"But how are you going to get him to..." The first scientist asked.

"Well stabbing obviously didn't work and those pesky S.H.I.E.L.D dwarfs probably have guns, so I'm going to poison Snow White's food." Evil Queen said as if it were obvious. "He'd take food from Sleeping Beauty. But that food will have poison and kill him. Or at the very least, put him in some kind of coma."

"And you want... Us to-" The second scientist asked.

"Make it? Yes." Evil Queen asked.

"Evil Queen, I don't know if we can give you the chemicals to-" The second scientist began before the first scientist hit him.

"So you _do_ have it made, then?" Evil Queen narrowed his eyes.

The first scientist sighed and guiltily handed over a small bottle of liquid. "Here, Evil Queen. It will put Snow White into an unwaking coma."

"Thank you." Evil Queen snatched the bottle in a huff and stormed off upstairs.

"I know that Snow White is our deadly enemy, but does Evil Queen really have to poison him?" The first scientist asked.

"Well, do we really want Snow White out of our lives?" The second scientist asked. "Because if we do, then Snow White needs to go into that coma."

* * *

"Snow White, really with that wound you should be resting." Doc said to Snow White, who was pacing around the bedroom.

"I can't relax..." Snow White paused, trying to remember the dwarf's name.

"Doc." He said.

"Doc." Snow White confirmed. "I just have a bad feeling."

"A bad feeling about what?" Sneezy asked, as she entered the room.

"Snow White can't relax." Doc said. "He feels like something bad uh-will happen."

"I know what will help you relax." Sneezy smiled. She turned to the door. "Hey guys! Come up here!" The dwarfs and Cloney piled into the room.

"Gathering everyone in here's not exactly helping... Sleepy?" Snow White raised an eyebrow.

"S _nee_ zy." She corrected. "And you're going to get back into bed and tell us all a story."

"Fine." Snow White scoffed as he climbed into bed. "Once there was a princess..."

"Was the princess you?" Doc asked.

"And he fell in love." Snow White said.

"Was it hard to do?" Sleepy asked.

"Oh, it was very easy. Anyone could see that Prince was charming." Snow White continued as the dwarfs moved in closer. "The only one for me."

"Was he strong and handsome?" Dopey asked.

"Was he big and tall?" Sneezy asked, leaning in closer.

"There's nobody like him, anywhere at all." Snow White replied.

"D'he say he loved ya?" Bashful asked with a smile.

"Did he steal a kiss?" Happy asked excitedly.

"He was so romantic, I could not resist." Snow White sighed.

"Go on then!" Cloney pressed.

" _Some day my prince will come_

_Some day we'll meet again_

_And away to his castle we'll go_

_To be happy forever I know_

_Some day when spring is here_

_We'll find a love anew_

_And the birds will sing,_

_And wedding bells will ring_

_Someday when my dreams come tru_ e" Snow White sang. Or tried to.

"Yeah, you need more practice singing." Grumpy snorted.

"I know I do." Snow White smirked. Grumpy smirked back

"Alright, bedtime, Princess Snow White." Happy said. "We'll check on you in the morning."

"I got to admit, Sneezy, I feel a bit more relaxed." Snow White said as the dwarfs all left the room. "But that doesn't change the fact that there's a big, red X on my forehead."

* * *

Evil Queen was in his office. He had out a red candy apple and poured the little vial of poison out over it. "If this doesn't tempt Snow White, I don't know what will." He smirked. "Now to change into Sleeping Beauty's costume and surprise Snow White at the S.H.I.E.L.D dwarfs' cottage."

The scientists knocked on the office door. "Mr Evil Queen?" The first scientist asked.

"What is it?" Evil Queen sighed indignantly.

"There's an antidote for the poison." The second scientist said, meekly.

"Well, what is it?" Evil Queen snapped, opening the door.

"L-love's first kiss." The second scientist mumbled.

"Speak up!" Evil Queen barked.

"Love's first kiss!" The second scientist said, frightened to the verge of tears.

"Love's first kiss?" Evil Queen scoffed. "Well, no fear of _that_. Snow White has had a few first loves. None of them worked out."

"Okay." The scientists said.

"Those S.H.I.E.L.D dwarfs will think he's dead. And they'll bury him alive."

"But then he'll be dead." The first scientist frowned.

"That's the idea you idiots." Evil Queen grunted. "That he die."

"Pretty elaborate death plan if you ask me." The second scientist shrugged.

"Well elaborate is the only way to make sure he's dead now, isn't it?" Evil Queen said, putting Sleeping Beauty's cowl on. "Since the stabbing didn't work. By the way, make sure Huntsman gets her head cut off for betraying me like that."

"Uh... Okay." The first scientist nodded.

"Now." Evil queen grabbed the candy apple and put it in a bag. "I'm going to the S.H.I.E.L.D cottage. Don't wait up."

* * *

The next day, the dwarfs were all ready to go back to work.

"Now you look after yourself and rest, Snow White." Happy said.

"I'm fine, Happy." Snow White insisted.

"Alright. But I just don't want you to tear out your stitches." Happy sighed.

"I'll be fine, Happy." Snow White replied.

"Because then you'll just bleed to death and none of us will be around..." Happy began.

"You know, considering your name's Happy, you're not very happy." Snow White raised an eyebrow.

"Just be careful." Doc added.

"Yes. Be careful. The Evil Queen of Hydra might know you're here." Grumpy said. "So keep a low profile and rest in bed."

"Got it. Enjoy work." Snow White said, heading back into the house as the dwarfs waved at him.

* * *

Later that day, Snow White was fiddling with the toolbox and looking through it when there was a knock at the door. Quickly he turned the toolbox off and hid it, before going to answer the door.

"Hello." Evil Queen disguised as Sleeping Beauty said.

"Sleeping Beauty?" Snow White said in disbelief.

"Yes, it's me." Evil Queen said. "Sleeping Beauty."

"You've lost weight." Snow White frowned.

"Are the S.H.I.E.L.D dwarves here?" Evil Queen asked.

"Uh, no, but-" Snow White began.

"Good. Because I'm your old friend Sleeping Beauty here to sign your Sleeping Beauty trading cards."

"Uh, okay. I don't have them with me right now, but-"

"And Jasmine's doing fine, in case you wanted to know."

"I didn't ask, but fine." Snow White nodded.

"I heard you were stabbed..." Evil Queen said.

"Yeah, one of the dwarfs must've told you, right?" Snow White asked.

"They did." Evil Queen lied and took the candy apple from his Sleeping Beauty costume's pocket. "Here, I got you this candy apple as a get well gift. But you've got to eat it before I leave."

"Seems a bit odd, but okay." Snow White nodded and took the candy apple from Evil Queen, biting it and dropping down unceremoniously onto the floor.

"Good. Now I can get on with my Hydra." Evil Queen shuddered and tore off the Sleeping Beauty costume off as quickly as he could.

* * *

In the evening, the dwarfs were coming home from work.

"Hey, look!" Doc blurted out. "It looks like the Evil Queen!"

"That _is_ the Evil Queen!" Sleepy shouted.

"Stop right there, Evil Queen!" Happy called out.

"You'd better not have harmed Snow White" Grumpy called as he ran after the Evil Queen, tackling him to the ground. Bashful pulled out an ICER and shot the Evil Queen with it, rendering him unconscious.

"What do we do now?" Doc asked. "That was almost too easy."

"Happy, Dopey, Sneezy, Bashful and Doc should come back to check on Snow White with me." Cloney said. "Grumpy and Sleepy can dispose of the Evil Queen off the nearby cliff."

"Works for me." Sneezy nodded. "Let's go do our things."

* * *

Sleepy and Grumpy returned to the cottage after throwing Evil Queen off a cliff and ensuring that he died. Everyone in the cottage was frantic.

"What's going on here, then?" Sleepy asked. " _You're_ the doctor, Happy."

"I don't know." Happy replied. "I think Snow White's slipped into some sort of coma. Maybe Evil Queen drugged him somehow."

"What?" Grumpy asked indignantly.

"I have him on life support machines, but I don't know if it's going to be enough." Happy sighed.

"She's saying that it's time to find a new S.H.I.E.L.D director." Doc said sadly.

"In no uncertain words, yes, Doc. And it should be one of us." Happy said.

"Well, we'll worry about that if- _if_ -he dies." Grumpy growled.

"We don't know if he _will_ wake." Sneezy shook her head. "We've got him on all kinds of life support-even dialysis in case it _is_ poisoning."

"We don't know if there's anything more they can do." Bashful said.

"Then we'll take it day by day." Sleepy said. Grumpy nodded in agreement. "I'm sure that's what he would want."

"Not that he can speak right now, being comatose and all." Dopey shrugged.

"Dopey!" Cloney hissed loudly.

"Well... It _is_ true." Dopey said.

* * *

And the Prince searched far and wide for the princess who lay comatose for months in a bed, not moving or really doing anything. Somehow, being a princess in a coma gives you publicity, but not enough for people to know where you are. And so the Prince went up to Snow White and kissed her, even though she had a breathing tube forced into her mouth. The ventilator didn't really put him off much. And all the dwarfs were out working-except for Cloney-because how else would they pay for Snow White's monstrous medical bills?

When the Prince kissed Snow White, his eyes opened and he looked at the Prince as if to say 'about damn time'. Cloney saw that Snow White was awake again and called the other dwarfs home. Happy happily removed all the medical equipment surrounding Snow White and everyone celebrated the fact that he was okay. Snow White and the Prince lived happily ever after.

* * *

"I hope you liked that story kids." Phil sighed. He sitting on his daughter's hotel bed.

"I enjoyed it." Dana nodded. "I love princesses."

"But Dad, don't sing again." Max shook his head. "You aren't very good."

"I'll keep that in mind, Kiddo." Phil chuckled lightly, getting to his feet. "Come on. Sleep now. We're going to Epcot tomorrow. You'll be able to meet the real Snow White there."

"Alright." Dana nodded. "Night, Dad."

"Night, Dad." Max said.

"Night kids." Phil walked over and turned out the light before climbing into his own hotel bed. Boy he had issues, pairing himself romantically with his boss Nick Fury? Well, if it made his kids happy. He smiled to himself, just happy that he was able to get Disney.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year! This is literally just Phil Coulson telling a bedtime story to his kids, but I hope you enjoy it anyway. Can you figure out which character in this matches up with the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D characters?


	20. Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo!

"Excuse me, Bruce." Tony shook his head as his phone started ringing. "It's from Sam."

"How many times has he called you?" Bruce asked incredulously.

"This is the tenth now." Tony nodded. "Must be urgent." He answered his phone. "What is it, Sam?"

"Cap's missing." Sam said down the phone.

Tony rolled his eyes. "And this concerns me how?"

"Cap's an Avenger." Sam said. "We're all Avengers."

"Well I'm on a dinner date with Bruce right now, so..."

"Cancel it."

"Why should I do _that_?" Tony scoffed.

"Because Maria and Thor said no."

"And so am I." Tony turned his phone off and put it in his pocket.

* * *

"Phil, you okay?" Clint asked. _Are you okay_? He signed.

 _Feel sick. Need toilet. Think I vomit now_. Phil signed back. Clint dashed to the bin and gave it to Phil, who put his head in. Clint went to the bathroom and heard retching and turned his hearing aids off in disgust. He'd had enough of Phil's vomit the night before, he wasn't going to deal with it again.

"Hey, Phil, I know I'm your surrogate son and all that, but don't expect me to be cleaning up that vomit." Clint called out. "That shit's just... I've had enough. I wouldn't mind if it were your kids, but it's not. It's you. And that's just disgusting."

"Quiet voice, Clint." Phil croaked back. Clint didn't hear him.

"Next time, try not to drink so much. It's not St Patrick's Day or even New Year's so just behave."

* * *

"Steve!" Sam shouted. "Come on! Where are you?" He grunted and shook his head as he walked around outside. "This isn't funny!"

* * *

"Okay, Bruce." Tony pulled out the remote control once again. "Time to have some fun with Legolas."

"Tony, are you _sure_ we should be doing this?" Bruce raised an eyebrow.

"We'd be crazy not to do it." Tony smirked, turning a little dial on the remote.

* * *

Back in the hotel room, Clint put his hearing aids back in.

"Come on, Phil. Feeling any better?" He asked.

"Bit." Phil nodded.

Clint frowned and looked around. "Do you hear that?" He asked in a kind of hiss.

* * *

"What did you do, Tony?" Bruce raised an eyebrow.

"Emitted a noise from the hearing aids." Tony replied. "It should be one only he can hear."

* * *

Natasha walked into the room. "Okay, Clint, Phil, I got the Mickey waffles."

"Actually, I do." Max lifted the plate up from his lap.

"Can't you hear that, Nat?" Clint asked desperately. "That buzzing noise? It sounds like a swarm of bees!"

"Clint, I can't hear anything." Natasha shook her head and let go of Dana's hand. "And you shouldn't be able to either-you're Deaf."

"Natalia Alianovna Romanova, there are bees here in this room somewhere and I'm determined to find them!"

* * *

"Clint's Deaf. How would he be able to hear the noise, Tony?" Bruce asked.

"I told you. The hearing aids." Tony nodded. "The noise is piped through into his ear canal." He turned the dial again.

* * *

"Clint, seriously, are you feeling okay?" Natasha walked over and put her hand on his shoulder.

"Nat, I _swear_ there's bees here-I..." Clint stopped and frowned. "The noise has stopped.

"Look, Clint, maybe there's something wrong with your hearing aids." Natasha said gently.

"No, Natasha, I swear!" Clint said desperately.

* * *

"Tony, don't be mean." Bruce snatched the remote from Tony.

"Give it back, Bruce." Tony climbed over the table. Families stared on.

"No!" Bruce barked. "You're torturing Clint through his hearing aids!"

"I got the idea from _The Flash_ -blame those guys!" Tony argued.

"You're the one who carried it through in real life, Tony, I'm blaming you." Bruce stood up and held the remote away from him.

"Give it back." Tony growled.

"No." Bruce said defiantly.

"I mean it." Tony narrowed his eyes.

"So do I." Bruce glared at Tony.

* * *

Sam was still walking around Downtown Disney. He passed the construction of Disney Spirings once more. The parade of little girls who had been made over at Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique was on once more, this time with a difference.

"Steve?! Bucky?!" Sam called out incredulously at the two super soldiers who were dolled up in Disney makeup and glitter. Bucky had even had his long hair made up into a bun and had glitter streaks running through it and was still wearing the fridge magnets on his robot arm. Both were wearing the pink Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique sashes. He ran up to them.

"Sam?" Steve frowned.

"Yeah it's Sam, who else would it be?" Sam hissed.

"Tony?" Steve asked.

"Bruce?" Bucky frowned.

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm the only black guy on this team, I can't be-" Sam began

"No, it's Tony and Bruce." Steve clarified. "Over there." He pointed at them, seemingly plying tug-o-war over the remote. The three then ran straight over to the warring Avengers.

"Civil War! Civil War!" Steve cried out.

"Planet Hulk! Planet Hulk!" Bucky and Sam chanted louder. "Planet Hulk!"

Maria stuck her head out of Ghirardelli's ice cream parlour as the three army veterans ran past. What she saw was enough for her to abandon her ice cream, grab Thor and pursue.

"Planet Hulk! Planet Hulk!" Thor shouted, getting involved with the chanting. That earmed him a glare from Maria.

"What the fuck is going on here, guys?" She shouted. Everyone stopped what they were doing immediately and looked at her with guilty expressions. "Seriously." Maria demanded. "I have to know."

"Planet Hulk." Everyone but Bruce said sheepishly. Bruce simply gave a small shrug.

Maria looked around and spotted the same teenager from last night at Epcot. "What are you doing here?" She asked, almost in a snarl.

"Planet Hulk." Peter replied.

"This is an Avenger thing." Maria raised an eyebrow.

"I _am_ an Avenger." Peter shrugged.

"But you're not with us, so get lost." Maria glared at Peter, who walked away in compliance. "Now what's this?" She asked, snatching the remote from Bruce's hands.

"A remote control." Tony replied.

"For what? A radio controlled R2-D2?" Maria asked sarcastically.

"To control Barton's hearing aids." Tony mumbled.

"Then shouldn't Clint have this?" Maria waved the device in front of Tony's face.

"It emits sounds into Cint's ear that are transmitted from his hearing aids." Bruce said. "Clint shouldn't have it, though he _should_ know about it."

Maria let out a grunt before turning to the super soldiers. "And you two-any particular reason you're looking like 8 year old little girls?

"We got lost..." Bucky mumbled.

"In the uh.. Disney-" Steve said.

"World of Disney." Bucky corrected.

"World of Disney store." Steve nodded.

"So we got in... Got in-" Bucky frowned

"Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique." Steve blurted out.

"Yeah. They gave us an exception because we're Avengers." Bucky nodded.

"I can't trust you anywhere, can I?" Maria sighed. "We're going back to the hotel for regrouping."

"But-" Tony protested.

"Now!" Maria barked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nope, this isn't the end of the day! Still more action to come!
> 
> Also, I'm writing another story that ties into this universe along with Avengers Not at Disney World and December With the Avengers-both of which will have updates soon-and I was wondering how you guys would feel if I had Coulson adopt another kid? They would be a baby and the biological sibling of Max and Dana. That would be on top of getting more background from Coulson's kids already.
> 
> Also, I've made a Tumblr for this universe and story so check it out and feel free to ask any questions you may have and I'll try to answer them in a non-spoiler-y way! The name's avengers-at-disney-world-verse or just disney-world-verse if you can't find it.


	21. Let it Go

A few hours later, Phil had sobered up reasonably and Tony was getting disciplined by Maria. Phil was listening in in his hotel room, since Clint had left his phone on in his pocket.

" _Stark! What have you got to say for yourself_?" Maria asked as Phil listened on intently.

"What are you listening to?" Natasha asked.

"Shh!" Phil brought his finger to his lips. "Stark's getting a row from Hill."

" _Again_?" Natasha raised her eyebrows in disbelief. "That's the... I don't know how many times it's been actually." She shrugged. "But it's been at least more than twice a day."

"Yikes." Phil winced slightly. Natasha nodded slowly.

" _Well, I'm sorry, but-_ "

" _You don't_ _ **sound**_ _sorry! That tone suggests that you're_ _ **not**_ _sorry!_ "

"So what did he do?" Natasha asked as she flopped down on the bed, next to Phil.

"Buzzing in Clint's hearing aids."

"So it was _Stark_ that caused Clint to think he was going insane?!" Natasha scowled and glared intensely at Phil's _iPhone_. "When I get my hands on that privileged bastard..."

Phil cleared his throat loudly and pointed over to his two kids, playing on the floor with their plush toys. "Not in front of my kids, Romanoff."

"What, the swearing or threats of murder-"

"Both." Phil said through gritted teeth.

" _What do you want me to do, Maria? I'm not some damn Saint Tony Stark! I'm Iron Man-_ "

" _So you keep saying! You need to start acting with some sort of maturity-_ "

" _I'm plenty mature, thanks!_ "

" _Oh, I know that's sarcasm!_ "

"They're really going at it, aren't they?" Natasha shook her head in disgust.

"Yeah, I don't know whether it's pathetic or hilarious." Phil agreed.

" _You couldn't just leave it at Rogers, could you? You had to go pick a fight with Bruce Banner_."

"Bozhe moi." Natasha mumbled. "Stark tak glupo."

"Yes he is." Phil nodded. "Apparently they got into a shoving match at Downtown Disney."

"In front of people?" Natasha asked carefully.

"Lots of people." Phil chuckled

"Yep. An idiot." She rolled her eyes."

" _I saw what you did! Don't deny it! That's going to make the news-_ "

" _Don't exaggerate Maria._ "

" _Did you just roll your eyes at me? I can get Fury here if you want? Or on the phone. I'm sure he'd just_ _ **love**_ _to hear exactly what you've been doing._ "

* * *

Meanwhile, the rest of the Avengers were hanging around the pool. Sam, Thor, Bruce and Steve and Bucky, now Disney Princess makeup free.

"You know, Tony kinda had it coming." Steve said.

"Yeah, he tortured Clint through his hearing aids." Bucky frowned. "And I _know_ torture."

"In bird culture, this is considered a 'dick move'." Sam agreed.

"You're not a bird, Sam." Steve remarked dryly.

"I am. Why am I called Falcon, if I'm not a bird?" Sam raised an eyebrow.

"I am the God of Thunder." Thor offered. "Mjolnir comes only to me."

"We know that, Thor." Bruce rolled his eyes. "And we know that because we aren't stupid."

"Nor am I, Banner." Thor frowned. "Are you saying I am stupid?"

"Maybe perhaps ignorant, but so's Steve-"

"Hey!" Steve protested. "I'm not ignorant."

"I mean, do you know about _Fox and the Hound_ , _Aristocats_ , _Batman_ , _Green Lantern_..." Bruce listed.

"I liked _Buck Rogers_ and _Superman_." Steve said.

"I am unaware of _Buck Rogers_ and this _Superman_ fellow." Thor blinked.

"Superheroes, like us. But fictional, not real."

"I was fictional until five years ago."

"Thor, these were made up. From someone's imagination."

"But so was I..."

"Not everything that's not real is automatically real now because _you_ exist, Thor!" Bruce snapped.

"Hey!" Steve pulled himself, one-handed to his feet. As he did so, glitter flaked out of his hair. "Thor, Bruce, behave."

"I'll behave when Thor admits that not everything is real."

"And I shall behave when Banner admits that I was once thought to be a work of fiction and that other works of fiction may also be real-for example, this Mickey Mouse fellow."

"Mickey Mouse isn't real, Thor!"

"Mickey Mouse is very real!" Thor argued. "Did we not see him at Epcot yesterday?"

"It was a random guy in a costume!"

"Random men in mouse costumes do not simply hand out signed papers to children."

"Yes, they do!" Bruce said exasperatedly.

"They do not!"

"Yes, they do!"

"They do not!"

"Yes, they do!"

"They do not!"

"Planet Hulk! Planet Hulk! Planet Hulk!" The Avengers chanted.

* * *

Natasha sat bolt upright on the bed.

"What's wrong, Natasha?" Phil asked.

"I sense a disturbance in the Force." She replied, eyes narrowed.

"What do you mean?"

"I have a feeling that Sam, Steve, Thor, Bucky and Bruce are fighting."

* * *

After a few minutes and several profanities hurled, Maria stormed over to the fighting Avengers accompanied by her assassin colleagues. Bruce was almost green and Thor was on the verge of calling his hammer.

"What the hell's going on here?!" She shouted, loud enough over their own.

"Planet Hulk." Everyone answered.

"Thor, Bruce, get to your hotel rooms right now." Maria ordered. "Barton, Romanoff, you two stay here to maintain order between Rogers and his friends."

"Can I..." Clint began.

"No, you can _not_ jump into the pool." Maria narrowed her eyes. "You've only got the one pair of hearing aids and you're wearing them."

* * *

"None of you slackers performed as expected!" Fury yelled angrily.

"Well I don't know what you were expecting when you kept penalizing us for something most of us didn't do." Carol put her hands on her hips.

"You all talked back."

"But what the hell's 'unauthorized socialization'?" Scott asked.

"And why is it such a big deal?" Janet sighed. "So someone snuck out at night, big deal. Oh wait, that's only because you're making it out to be one."

"I've had it with you motherfuckers!" Fury exploded. "Phil Coulson isn't here because Phil Coulson is on vacation with his goddamned kids and I think he deserves that much."

"The other Avengers don't." Scott said.

"I've been covering Tony's ass for years." Rhodey protested. "If anyone deserves a break, it's me."

"So that's why you and Vision flew down to Orlando last night, then?" Fury raised his eyebrow as everyone-but Matt-turned and glared at the two.

"That's the 'unauthorized socialization'?" T'Challa said incredulously. "How on _Earth_ did you manage to sneak out of a SHIELD facility and fly down to Orlando?!" He blinked and stared blankly. "Actually, I'm not even mad. I'm impressed."

"I'm with T'Challa here." Stephen agreed. "That's pretty impressive."

"Not when you see it on the news because the Hulk smashed a building." Fury shook his head.

"How...?" Carol began.

"I don't know why you went down there to 'party', but since everyone now knows it's you two..." Fury glared at the two Avengers. "You two will be appropriately punished. Everyone else should carry on as normal and expect a new team building exercise close in the future. Maybe I'll have you all disarm a nuke in under 5 minutes." He muttered as he left the room. Everyone went back to glaring at Rhodey and Vision.

* * *

The remaining Avengers were enjoying being poolside. Steve was drinking Coke and though he did his best to relax in a deck chair, his shoulder bothered him significantly enough that he was sitting at the edge of the pool with his feet dangling in. Clint was sitting cross legged next to him.

"I really want to jump in." He sighed.

"Well, you don't want to ruin your hearing aids." Steve gave a one sided shrug. "So you won't jump in." He said sternly.

Clint grunted. "So how's your shoulder?"

"Better." Steve replied. "Probably I'll be able to take the sling off in a day or so."

"Isn't it supposed to be healed in like five days?"

"Clint, it's been two."

"Really?"

"Sorry to disturb your fun, boys." Natasha said, walking over. "But I just had a text from Maria. She wants us back."

"Really?" Sam asked, rising from a deck chair. "What could she possibly want us for?"

"Maybe because you're witness to both 'Planet Hulk' incidents." Natasha suggested.

"Except I'm not. I've been stuck at this hotel all day." Clint pointed out. "She wanna see me too?"

"Yeah, all of us." Natasha confirmed.

Clint rolled his eyes and stood up at the pool edge. A kid was running to the pool and collided with Clint, knocking him backwards into the pool, coughing and spluttering, right into the deep end.

"Shit!" Natasha exclaimed. "He's not a great swimmer!"

"I'll handle this." Bucky ran to the pool and jumped in, dragging the kid out and then the seemingly unconscious Clint, before the lifeguard even noticed what was going on.

"Whoa, Buck-that was amazing."

"I do pride myself on my lifesaving skills." Bucky shrugged and took the kid as Sam began CPR on Clint.

"Get off!" Clint huffed, flailing his arms. "Go on! I'm fine!" He coughed.

"Clint, are you okay?" Natasha asked.

Slowly, Clint's eyes widened. _Deaf! Hearing aids don't work!_ He signed frantically.

"Well that's wonderful." Natasha said sarcastically as she glared at her best friend and nothing more.

"What's wrong, Natasha?" Steve asked.

"Clint's Deaf." Natasha replied, doing her best to quickly take out Clint's hearing aids.

"We uh... Know this already." Sam frowned.

"No, I mean he's Deaf." Natasha emphasised. "His hearing aids are soggy and wet. They're broken. They're no more. He can't hear much at all because his hearing aids have water damage."

"Well, he fell in." Sam shrugged.

"More like he was knocked in." Steve corrected.

"I've missed something, haven't I?" Bucky sighed.

"Damn right you've missed something." Natasha grunted, pulling Clint's second-and very stubborn-hearing aid out.

"Nat, stop! It's hurting!" Clint protested.

"What am I supposed to to do?" Natasha hissed.

"Natasha, you're hurting him. Stop it." Steve said sternly.

"I've almost got it!" Natasha grunted.

"Natasha, I said stop it!" Clint began crying.

"Look what you've done." Steve said. "You've made him cry."

Natasha gave a gentle tug to the small, purple device and it came out of Clint's ear with a quiet ' _pop_ '. "There. Done now." Clint continued crying as he rubbed his right ear. "Oh, he's fine."

"Come on. We'd better get to Maria." Sam sighed as everyone stood up. Natasha pulled Clint to his feet by his left arm.

"So... What _did_ I miss?" Bucky asked as everyone walked back to their hotel rooms.

* * *

"Clint _what_?!" Maria screeched.

"He can't hear. His hearing aids have water damage." Natasha said through gritted teeth.

"Your words sound like garbled noise." Clint sniffled, still holding his hand to his ear. "But I know you're talking."

"Relax, Maria." Tony said, inspecting Clint's hearing aids. "Leave them to dry tomorrow, they should be fine. If not, I'll take a look at them the day after."

"This changes our plans for tomorrow. We _were_ going to go to Hollywood Studios." Maria grunted. "Now... We'll have to just stay here."

"We _could_ go to a water park." Tony suggested. "Since Legolas here's hearing aids will already be out."

"I think that's the most sensible idea you've had all vacation, Stark." Maria shook her head. "Water park it is."

* * *

"Looking forward to tomorrow, kids?" Phil asked, tucking his kids in bed later that evening. The TV was tuned to the Duffy Disney Bear Nighttime Story channel.

"I guess." Max shrugged. "But it's more of a Dana thing."

"No, Max! Ice Gator is not Elsa!" Dana cried out.

"Elsa isn't a princess!" Max huffed.

"Elsa is better, she's a queen!" Dana scoffed.

"Max, Dana, no arguing." Phil warned, lightly. "Besides, Elsa's not going to be there." He said. "Thank God."

"Don't you like Elsa, Daddy?" Dana asked, innocently.

"No. Most daddies aren't keen on her either." Phil shook his head. "Some are, but most aren't."

"So we're not going to see Elsa?" Max asked.

"No, not everything that's snowy in Disney World has Elsa." Phil explained. "We're going swimming. Now look." He pointed to the TV. "The bedtime story's starting."

* * *

"So we're going to a water park tomorrow?" Bruce asked, eating his salad. "Wonder how Thor will cope?"

"Not well, I imagine." Tony shrugged.

"How's Clint doing without those?" Bruce gestured to the hearing aids Tony was examining.

"I don't know." Tony replied. "Didn't stick around long enough to find out. But I know Maria's pissed."

"Yeah. I can imagine." Bruce sighed.

"Ah well." Tony shrugged. "She doesn't want us to argue."

"You're not exactly kissing and making up with me right now." Bruce pointed out.

"I meant any of us." Tony replied. "It's been a weird day." He said. "I'm just gonna go to bed." He walked over to the beds from the table and turned the TV on. "Watch some TV first though." He flicked through the channels.

"News?"

"Nah. I don't wanna see that shit. Adult Swim."

"Family Guy?" Bruce asked.

"Yeah." Tony nodded.

"Be there in a bit." Bruce carried on eating his salad.

* * *

"Bucky saved Clint's life." Steve said.

"Bucky saved a kid's life." Sam added.

"I can't believe people say he's unfit to be an Avenger." Steve shook his head.

"It's because of his sketchy past as the Winter Soldier." Sam replied. "But yeah, he's a good Avenger."

"He was a good Howling Commando." Steve added. "He's always been a good guy. And so have I."

"I'm a social worker, formerly a soldier." Sam chuckled. "Tony's a former arms dealer, now clean energy provider. Bruce is a scientist, formerly... A scientist. Thor's an Asgardian prince, formerly an Asgardian prince."

"Clint and Natasha are former spies and assassins and currently... Spies." Steve frowned.

"We're all pretty weird." Sam laughed.

"Got that right." Steve smiled. "Seems everyone but me has a checkered past. Don't know why people focus so much on Bucky when everyone else had their free will to do bad things and he didn't."

"Why don't you just sleep on it, Steve?" Sam asked. "We could watch TV." He turned on the TV and flicked it over to the Disney Channel."

"What's that?" Steve asked.

"Uh... Some terrible sitcom?" Sam shrugged. "I have no idea."

"Just turn it off." Steve waved his arm dismissively. "Maria will be cheesed off if we're not up early in the morning."

"Okay. Night, Steve."

"Night, Sam."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So everyone will be at Blizzard Beach tomorrow. Will the Avengers find out Phil Coulson's alive on day four?  
> Also, the Tumblr is avengers-at-disney-world-verse for some additional content.


	22. With a Few Good Friends

Maria woke up early. So early that in fact, the sun hadn't even dawned properly yet. It was quite dark outside so she checked the time on her still-charging phone. 5:18am. She groaned and dragged herself out of bed to shower.

* * *

Over in New York, Rhodey also woke up early. Or rather, something Nick Fury had said the previous day had bothered him. Surely he hadn't meant to say that Phil Coulson was on vacation-Phil Coulson was dead. At least, that's what Tony had told him. That Agent Coulson was stabbed through the heart by Loki and hell, he even went to comfort Tony and Pepper at the funeral, so he was definitely dead. And there were no young children there-just a sobbing cellist, there without kids. Well, there were cousins, but Agent Coulson probably wasn't the incestuous type. So why did Fury also say that Coulson had kids?

Then it hit him that he was the only of the New Avengers who had even heard of-and met-Phil Coulson. That's why all the other Avengers weren't bothered and were sleeping. Maybe it was a slip of the tongue and Fury meant Maria Hill. She seems more the type to have secret kids. But Rhodey still couldn't shake he feeling that Fury was implying that Agent Coulson was alive. He said the guy was on vacation. Maybe 'on vacation' is a SHIELD euphemism for death. But his kids... Rhodey's shoulders dropped. If 'on vacation' really _was_ a SHIELD euphemism for death, than Agent Coulson's kids were dead, too. That thought really bummed him out.

* * *

Over in Orlando, Bucky began to stir. "Maria!" He called out sleepily. "Wazzuhtime?

"Bucky?" Maria frowned, opening the curtain

to the bathroom. "It's..." She glanced over at her phone. "2 minutes to 6."

"Fuuuuck me that's early." Bucky huffed.

"Blame Thor and Bruce and Clint for that one."

"Why Clint?"

"Because he jumped into the pool."

"He did not!" Bucky shouted, sitting bolt upright in bed. "He was knocked in by a kid!"

* * *

Tony and Bruce-who were sleeping below-heard the shouting and woke up immediately. "Ugh. What time is it?" Tony asked.

"6 in the morning." Bruce answered.

"Who the fuck is shouting at this hour?" Tony grunted, holding a pillow to the back of his head.

"Funsuckers." Bruce replied. "Fun vampires. Families who hate each other."

"Wait." Tony turned his head slowly to face Bruce. "Isn't Maria Hill above us?"

"Shit." Bruce frowned. "I think she is."

"Goddamn who is she shouting at?" Tony threw the pillow to one side and stood up. "I'm gonna confront her about this shit. She can't be shouting at whoever at this ungodly hour."

"For god's sake Tony, just ignore it." Bruce turned over in bed.

"No, Bruce." Tony stood up. "It's the principle of the thing. She can't do this."

"Tony, it's 6. You've only got an hour before Maria wakes us up."

"Uh... Bruce, she already _has_ woken us up." Tony said incredulously. "With that screeching voice of hers."

"Screeching voice-go back to sleep." Bruce huffed. His words fell on deaf ears as Tony walked right outside the room. With nothing but boxer shorts and a night vest on. "Tony?" Bruce sat up and looked around, hearing the door slam shut.

Tony meanwhile, immediately regretted his decision to go out wearing next to nothing. It was freezing outside as the sun was rising. "Shit." He muttered to himself as he ran across the floor. It felt like he was running across ice cubes as he rushed to the elevator. "So cold. This is supposed to be Florida." He dashed into the elevator as soon as the doors opened and pressed the button for the second floor, bouncing impatiently on the balls of his feet as the elevator rose.

After what felt like forever to Tony, he rushed to Maria's room. It wasn't that hard-he just followed the sound of the shouting.

" _And Tony said he can rescue Clint's hearing aids so I don't see the problem!_ "

" _That's not the... You're missing the point!_ "

Yep. Definitely Maria's room. Tony knocked on the door, fairly loudly.

* * *

Maria was startled from her and Bucky's argument by a knock on the door.

"You gonna answer that?" Bucky folded his arms.

Maria grunted and stormed to open the door. Outside, she found Tony smiling innocently in the icy air around them. "What?" She snarled.

"May I come in, please?" Tony asked nicely.

"No." Maria moved to close the door, but Tony instead put his bare foot between the door an the frame-effectively ensuring that she couldn't close the door and also effectively crushing his foot.

"I'm not asking nicely, Agent Hill." Tony pushed the door open. "I'm coming in." He pushed past her to sit on Bucky's bed.

Maria looked him over. "What do you want, Stark? It's like five past six in the morning."

"Oh, so you _can_ tell the time. Well that's good." Tony smirked, rubbing his aching foot. "I was beginning to get worried, see."

"Why's that?" Maria asked grudgingly.

"Well because of all the shouting, of course." Tony said innocently. "See, normal people-or at least those who can tell the time-don't shout manically at other people in a hotel at 6 in the morning."

"Get lost, Stark." Maria shook her head.

"Because you not only woke me up, you woke up dear old Bruce Banner." Tony cocked his head slightly.

"I'm not saying it again, Stark. Get lost."

"Oh, you wound me, Agent Hill." Tony shook his head and tutted.

"Stark." Maria said warningly.

"Next time, think about shouting at six am. And think that ickle Bwucie might hear it and... Go green."

Maria opened the door to her room widely and pointed clearly to the exit. "Out. Now." She snapped. Tony stood up off the bed and limped out of the room. "No sympathy from me. You did it to yourself. Go back to your room."

"But it's almost ten past six." Tony protested. "And I forgot my key. _And baby it's cold outside_!" He sang. Maria slammed the door in his face.

"Should've thought about that before you came over here!" Maria shouted.

"Fine! It's not like I care about you anyway!" Tony shouted back.

"Nick Fury will be hearing about this!" Maria shouted.

"Whatever! Let him hear!" Tony shouted. "See if I care." He grumbled as he tried to put his hands in his pockets before remembering he was wearing boxers. The result was an exposed bum and parents covering their kids' eyes, thinking that he was attempting to expose himself to people.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry!" Tony pulled his boxers up as he blushed. "I-I-I'm so sorry. I didn't mean-"

"You've done enough!" The mother shouted. "My poor kids will be traumatized for life-"

"Come on, Lady." Tony folded his arms. "It's not like Juniors here haven't seen an ass before in their lives. You can't coddle kids forever."

"They're 5 and 3!"

"Exactly, cut the umbilical cord."

"Don't I know you from somewhere?" The father asked.

"Uh... Yeah." Tony nodded. "I am Iron Man."

"You're not Iron Man! Iron Man doesn't expose himself to kids!" The mother screeched.

"Lady, I didn't-"

"You're that pedophile Iron Man impersonator!" The mother reached into her handbag.

"Lady, what are you doing?" Tony raised his hands in surrender and she pulled out pepper spray. "You can't bring that into the parks." He pointed out. The woman approached him and sprayed it in his eyes.

"That's for exposing yourself to my kids!" The mother yelled. "Evil man! Honey, call 911!"

"Jesus fucking Christ, Lady!" Tony shouted in pain, rubbing his eyes. "What the fuck in wrong with you?! You just maced Iron Man!"

The woman and her husband didn't listen to Tony or the cries of their traumatized children. The husband instead dialed 911 and the wife continued to spray the pepper spray in Tony's eyes. Maria opened the door to her hotel room and walked out to the covered hallway. Bucky peered out the door and both were fully dressed.

"What the hell is going on here?" She shouted. Other guests interested in the altercation looked out of their windows or opened their hotel room doors.

"This man exposed himself to my children!" The wife yelled. Tony was screaming in agony and the kids were screaming because they didn't know what the hell was going on. Steve and Sam opened the door to their room and both looked on in shock.

"Tony, what did you do?" Maria hissed. Bruce had made his way up the stairs, hearing all the shouting. By now, they had attracted a large crowd.

Tony, however, was in too much pain to answer the agent properly. "Holy crap! Just an ass! Lady what the fuck?!"

"Hey, I need cops to Disney World, please." The husband said. "Coronado Springs Resort-"

Maria reached over and snatched the phone from the husband. "Sorry, it was just a misunderstanding. Please ignore my husband." She hit 'end call' and tossed the phone to the floor.

"My _iPhone_!" The husband cried out.

"You better start explaining, missy." The wife said, cockily. "Like why you said _my_ husband was _your_ husband. Jealous or something? Or jealous of my beautiful but no longer innocent kids?"

"Ms whatever, you're a psychopath." Maria said bluntly, getting a gasp from the woman. "And I feel sorry for your husband, going along with your insane ideas. Look-" Maria nodded towards the kids. "Neither of you has bothered with your children. Yet you seem overly concerned with Stark, here." She gestured to Tony, who was on his knees, sobbing and rubbing his eyes with his palms.

" _He_ exposed himself to _my_ children." The wife said, folding her arms in defiance.

"Oh really?" Maria snorted. "Stark is a lot of things, but a pervert is not one of them." The woman opened her mouth to say something. "Not every man around your children is going to do bad things to them. And don't worry about exhausted superheroes with boxer shorts on."

Sam began clapping and it caught on. Pretty soon everyone burst out in rapturous applause for Maria.

"Go Maria!" Sam cheered.

"Oh and that there-crying in a ball-is _indeed_ Iron Man. Nobody else could possibly be that annoying." Maria added. She motioned to Bucky to get Tony. He nodded in understanding and picked him up, helping him to the room he shared with Maria.

"Also, they attacked Tony Stark unprovoked and threatened an agent of SHIELD." Bucky said.

"Yes." Maria nodded. "Yes they did." She turned to the couple. "I'm placing you under arrest."

"That's a bit harsh, isn't it?" Said a man in a red and black mask and suit. Another man stood beside him wearing a blue suit and has his head resting in his metal arm.

"It's you two!" Sam pointed out. "From the wrong cinematic universe!"

"That's right!" Deadpool announced. "And guess what today is?" He asked.

"I'm scared to do that." Steve replied.

"I'll give you a clue." Deadpool chuckled.

"Wade, please-" Cable began.

" _Happy anniversary to me, on February the eleventh, happy anniversary to meeeeeeee... It's when I appeared in comics_!" Deadpool sang, terribly out of key.

"Wade, I think you've made your point." Cable grimaced.

"Aw, come on, Nate!" Deadpool slapped Cable playfully on the arm. "Don't be a spoilsport! Hey maybe next time we can bring Bob or Weas-"

Cable groaned. "Bodyslide by two." He said boredly and the two disappeared as fast as they appeared.

"Well." Sam blinked. "That was weird. Again."

"I'm just going to call SHIELD to pick these guys up." Maria frowned and gestured to the couple. "Everyone else, get back in your rooms. Show's over."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So who's seen the Deadpool movie? I have!  
> Happy 25th anniversary-It's been a good 25 years, Wade Winston Wilson-here's to 25 more!  
> I don't own the Avengers or Cable and Deadpool, Hydra Bob or Weasel.  
> Tumblr is avengers-at-disney-world-verse for additional content.


	23. Best of Friends

"You're fine, Tony. Just breathe." Maria rolled her eyes.

"Hurts." He choked out.

"Bucky, do you have a cough drop or something?" Maria asked.

"No." Bucky shook his head. "But the Panchito gift shop has a mini pharmacy. I could check there if you want?"

Maria nodded. "Yeah. It's half 6. Go see if it's open."

"He's not going to die, is he?" Bruce asked as Bucky left the room.

"No, Bruce. It's just a bit of pepper spray-he's going to be fine." Maria sighed. Tony went to rub his eyes again. "Leave your eyes alone, Tony." She placed a small plastic bottle in his hand. "They're just eye drops to uh... Re-moisturise your eyes. Should help with the dry, gritty, itching feeling."

"Sorry, Tony." Bruce said before throwing cold water in Tony's face. Maria grabbed some soap and started scrubbing his face with it.

"Bruce, can you go and get Tony some clean clothes?" She asked as she dragged the screaming Tony to the shower. As Bruce walked over to the door, Sam knocked on it.

"Sam." Bruce greeted, opening the door.

"Bruce." Sam said, stepping inside. "I'm guessing you need some help, Maria?" He said, as Bruce shut the door and walked away. Sam walked over to the shower-guess I they were there since the shower was running.

"Yeah." Maria said. "Getting his clothes off, if possible. I mean, mace. And Tony's a guy, you're a guy..." She trailed off.

"Oh." Sam's eyes widened in understanding. "Oh... Kay."

Maria clapped Sam on the shoulder and nodded. "Good luck." She said.

* * *

 

An hour later, all the Avengers were in Maria's room. Some had witnessed what happened, while others had heard. Bucky had returned with some cough drops and some eye drops and by then, Tony was doing much better.

"Come on. We're going to breakfast and Fury does not hear about this." Maria raised an eyebrow.

At park opening, the Avengers were all there nice and on time with minimal fuss. Nobody was keen to have the Tony pepper spray incident repeat itself.

* * *

 

Phil Coulson was also there, with his two kids. Dana was already wearing her Disney Princess tutu swimming costume while Max was wearing Captain America swimming trunks and an Avengers rash vest. Phil himself was just wearing his clothes and a pair of flip flops, carrying on his back a clear bag of towels, shower gel, his own swimming trunks and other things suitable for a day out at a water park. Max was in his arms.

"Come on, Max." Phil said encouragingly. "I'll make sure we don't do too much walking today."

"It's not that, Dad." Max said. "I'm just tired."

"This is a chance for us to have a nice, relaxing bonding day with each other." Phil smiled. "I know neither of you can swim, but that doesn't mean you can't have water park fun. We'll just be splashing about."

"I like splashing." Dana jumped up and down around Phil.

"Dana, honey, please stop jumping. Daddy's still very tired from being sick yesterday." Phil said with a slight groan. Oh the joys of parenthood.

"But I want to go now." Dana whined.

"I know you do, but I have to find your MagicBand." Phil said. "Remember you kept taking it off?"

Dana nodded. "Yeah, but I want to go."

"It's not only that it's that the park, well, it isn't quite open yet."

"Than open it, Daddy!"

"It doesn't quite work like that, sweetheart."

"Make it work like that. You tell them you break their computers and fix them."

"Dana, it's wrong to threaten people. Even if you are impatient and-" Phil was cut off when he noticed the Avengers. "Alright, come on. We're getting closer to the entrance, since you're so impatient."

"It's Auntie Tasha! And Auntie Maria! And Unca Clint!" Max said, seeing them at almost exactly the same time.

"Yes it is. We're not going to them. We're going to have our own good time and we're going to ignore them."

"But they're the Avengers." Max protested.

"Yes they are. They're going to have enough to deal with today without us, don't you think?"

Max nodded in response while Dana simply shrugged.

"Come on. We're gonna have a good time by ourselves. As a family." Phil smiled.

* * *

 

"Did you see Coulson's weird clone again?" Tony asked. "I mean, my eyes are still burning, but I swear it was him. The one from our hotel."

"Yeah, I saw him." Clint said, not wanting to say it was the real Coulson. "But he doesn't look a thing like Phil Coulson."

"Are you kidding?" Tony asked incredulously. "That was definitely him."

"Nah. Phil Coulson, he's... Well, he's balder." Natasha smirked. "What do you think, Cap?"

"He looks an awful lot like Agent Coulson for sure." Steve said, gently rolling his shoulder.

"How's your shoulder today, Steve?" Maria asked.

"Better. But it still hurts." Steve nodded.

"Well a bit of hydrotherapy will help." Maria replied.

"Maria. You know I hate Hydra with a passion." Steve said. "And that's without all the horrible things they did to Bucky."

"No, Steve. Hydrotherapy." Maria rolled her eyes. "As in water."

"Oh. Yeah. I should have known that." Steve blushed slightly.

"Oh my, is the Capsicle embarrassed?"

"Tony, shut up." Maria pinched the bridge of her nose. "Like before this gets any further. I want this to be a nice day with no arguing, no Hulk outs, no injuries, no mentions of Asgard, no... Kissing and no whatever the hell you're planning, Tony. Just a nice day with everyone getting on."

"Maria?" Bucky asked.

"Yes, Bucky?"

"What if my metal arm rusts?"

"It won't. You said it won't.

"But people will see I'm the Winter Soldier."

"So wear a wetsuit."

"I don't think they sell them here."

"A rash vest then."

"I'm gonna be wearing one, Bucky." Tony said. "Because of my arc reactor. I mean, it's waterproof and all, but I just don't want people seeing that shit. It'd scare the little kids."

Bucky nodded.

"And I'm sure seeing where the skin is fused with the metal on your arm would scar holidaygoers here for life. Rash vest is probably best."

"Given that none of us really have swimming things packed, we're going to buy them here." Maria said as the park opened and visitors scanned their MagicBands.

"Swimming things?" Thor questioned.

"For you, it would be swimming trunks. And as I'm not having people stare at you men and your... Physiques, rash vests will be included. For Natasha and me, we'll just be wearing swimming costumes."

"I already had mine packed, Maria." Natasha said.

"I packed my trunks!" Clint said.

 _Yes, that I am well aware of_. Maria signed and raised an eyebrow, remember pin the incident a few days ago where Clint got his hearing aids wet. And again last night. _But Clint, you'll be wearing a rash vest too. I'm not having anyone stare at your scars. And let's face it, you have a lot of them._

Clint sighed and nodded in agreement. "Yeah. Whatever you say."

Everyone scanned their MagicBand and headed on into the park, waiting for everyone else. Thor stood and stared at the Mickey head orbs until Maria forced his MagicBand wrist down on the orb and turned it green. She gently pushed him into the park before scanning her own MagicBand.

"Right. We're heading to the uh..." Maria paused.

Natasha nudged Clint. _Hawkeye, the map_. She signed.

"The Beach Haus sells Disney merchandise, beachwear, footwear, disposable cameras and sundries." Clint said consulting the map. Natasha stood beside him. "That's H-A-U-S."

"But Snowless Joe's sells souvenirs, sundries and life jacket rentals." Natasha said. "And Shade Shack sells beach towels, headwear, sunglasses, souvenirs and sundries."

"All of them sell locker rentals." Clint added.

"Thor, as an Asgardian, can you swim?" Maria asked quickly.

"What is swimming?" Thor asked.

"Where you get in a large body of water and move your limbs to stay afloat and move along in the water."

"We don't have large bodies of water on Asgard."

"Life jacket for you then." Maria sighed. "Which shop is closer?"

"Beach Haus." Natasha said. "It's just up there."

"Then we go there before we stop off at Snowless Joe's to get Thor a life jacket." Maria said.

All the Avengers made the relatively short walk to the Beach Haus before walking inside.

"Alright. Get yourselves a rash vest. And some swimming trunks if you need some. Just whatever else you need." Maria looked around. "There should be no shortage of that here. I'll get other things we need like sun cream and credit card holders."

"Yeah, okay." Tony walked over to the sunglasses and Bruce followed him.

Steve, Sam and Bucky walked over to the rash vests.

Clint and Natasha went to the towels.

Thor stood in one spot looking confused.

"Thor, go and get some swimming trunks." Maria said.

"Yes. I shall, Lady Maria. Where are they?"

"Over there." Maria pointed over to them.

"I see. Thank you." Thor nodded and walked over.

 

Once the Avengers were all done browsing, they met up at the till. Maria saw the items in their arms and winced slightly.

"This is going to cost me an absolute fortune." She said.

"Yes it is. Towels alone are like $16. And there are nine of us." Tony smirked.

"Tony. It's not funny." Steve said.

"Yes it is..."

"No 'Capsicle' jokes!" Maria said exasperatedly. "I know where we are, but please, for the love of God and my sanity, don't you dare do it."

"Okay." Tony agreed.

"Who's going first?" Maria asked.

"I'll go first." Sam offered.

"Sam. Holy crap, I forgot you were with us. You've not instigated any trouble."

"Yeah. I'm not a troublemaker, that's why." Sam said as he put his items down on the counter to be scanned.

* * *

 

Once everyone had their items, they headed over to Snowless Joe's to get Thor a life jacket, passing Lottawatta Lodge, Shade Shack and the Cooling Hut on the way.

"We're getting lockers here too." Maria announced.

They came away with a locker each for everyone-except Clint and Natasha who shared-and a green life jacket for Thor. Everyone went to get dressed into their swim gear, shower quickly and keep all unnecessary items before heading out to the park. Maria then gathered everyone together outside the changing rooms and toilets.

"Okay. Now I want a nice day where nobody fights or makes fun of Steve." Maria said, while signing for Clint. "But most importantly, I want everyone to stick together and not to wander off because we surrendered our electronics and have no way of keeping in touch if one of us gets lost. One of us needs the bathroom, we all go. We go on the water slides, those who have gone down first wait for the rest of the party. We go in the lazy river, we don't swim away from each other. We go in the wave pool, we do our best to stick together. We will ride together, we will eat together, we will piss together, we will do everything together. Got it?" She glared at everyone, who nodded.

"Yes, Maria." They chorused.

"Good. Enjoy Blizzard Beach."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So something happened recently that did not escape my attention. Marvel Comics turned Captain America into a Hydra Agent Nazi. This is from my main Tumblr.
> 
> "Cap isn't Hydra. Cap can wield Mjolnir, which means he's worthy. Magneto used this prejudice machine on him to see if he was prejudiced in any way-spoiler alert, he's not. Cap stands up for the weak. Cap is friends with Deadpool. Cap is pure in every way. And Marvel have just… Shat all over it. I'm beyond angry at this. I'm just very disappointed that they turned this symbol of hope into, well, Neo-Naziism for shock value. It's deplorable and disgusting, especially considering who he was created by and why."
> 
> I'm not going to tackle this in fic. I'm just going to leave this here. I don't want reviews about it either. If you wanna talk to me about it, drop me a PM or come to me on Tumblr and I will rant with you.
> 
> avengers-at-disney-world-verse is the Tumblr for this story.
> 
> I don't own the Avengers but at this point, I seriously wish I did.


End file.
